What lucky, lucky little people you all are. You are all witnesses to my first ever drunk blog posting. For those of you who can't tell, this is me drunk. What? No, assholes. This ISN'T what I am always like. Drunk posting isn't good enough for you? Well - okay. I'll also share this little secret with you. I'm naked too. How's that for excitement? Drunk and naked and sitting at my computer.
I've been entertaining important people yesterday and today. For the most part this involves shit tons of drinking, listening to old, married men talk about picking up some "bitches," listening to 25 jokes that begin with, "did you hear about the jewish guy who. . . " and getting drunk under the table by 10, 60 year old men. (drunk under the table doesn't sound right. . . Is that right?)
All night tonight I thought of fantastic stories that I was going to tell. Now that I am home and drunk, I can't remember any of them. Oh, I remember one thing I was going to say. You know what happiness is? Sitting in a business meeting and seeing a conservative 28 year old business girl wearing a business girl suit stretch across a conference table to reveal a pink dental floss thong under her business girl suit. Nice. Very nice.
Well fuck me. Now I don't have anything else to say. Fuck it.
Why didn't I get that business girl's number today? I couldn't think of a good line at the end of the meeting. How many times do have to go out with someone before it is no longer okay to ask out a pink thong wearing business girl? Hmm. Maybe I was just kidding a few lines ago when I said something about asking that girl out. Yeah, that was a joke. Totally kidding about that.
You know what? I wish I could be drunk all of the time. Being drunk is fucking awesome. I don't know if you knew that or not. But it is. It rules, actually.
Okay, I sound stupid now so I'm hitting "publish post" and calling it a night.
Word to your collective mothers and such. (Jesus God, you would think being drunk would make me sound cooler and at least a little funnier).
I've been entertaining important people yesterday and today. For the most part this involves shit tons of drinking, listening to old, married men talk about picking up some "bitches," listening to 25 jokes that begin with, "did you hear about the jewish guy who. . . " and getting drunk under the table by 10, 60 year old men. (drunk under the table doesn't sound right. . . Is that right?)
All night tonight I thought of fantastic stories that I was going to tell. Now that I am home and drunk, I can't remember any of them. Oh, I remember one thing I was going to say. You know what happiness is? Sitting in a business meeting and seeing a conservative 28 year old business girl wearing a business girl suit stretch across a conference table to reveal a pink dental floss thong under her business girl suit. Nice. Very nice.
Well fuck me. Now I don't have anything else to say. Fuck it.
Why didn't I get that business girl's number today? I couldn't think of a good line at the end of the meeting. How many times do have to go out with someone before it is no longer okay to ask out a pink thong wearing business girl? Hmm. Maybe I was just kidding a few lines ago when I said something about asking that girl out. Yeah, that was a joke. Totally kidding about that.
You know what? I wish I could be drunk all of the time. Being drunk is fucking awesome. I don't know if you knew that or not. But it is. It rules, actually.
Okay, I sound stupid now so I'm hitting "publish post" and calling it a night.
Word to your collective mothers and such. (Jesus God, you would think being drunk would make me sound cooler and at least a little funnier).
9 comments:
Hi five, Garrett. Hi, motherfucking, five (everything but the naked part--that is just gross).
But a word of advice: you have not drank nearly enough if you can still type this clearly.
[anxiously awaiting TK's witty response to my comment]
DmbMeg: Don't tell me that you are not sitting at home this very second trying your hardest to envision a drunk and naked me. I'm not surprised at how well I can type when I am drunk. I lose no skills when extremely drunk. None whatsoever. Do you hear that ladies?
I'm impressed! I haven't stooped to drunk blogging left, but I did some semi-drunk emailing a month or so ago, and left the recipent scratching their head. You didn't sound drunk, but with that sign off, you did sound a bit like Vanilla Ice!
(don't forget to take Tylenol before bed, and leave the bottle on the nightstand, with a glass of water!)
Being drunk IS awesome, it's when the drunkenness wears off that it's not so awesome.
Your sentence structure was a little impaired by the booze, I have to say. But good work overall.
dude, you were home to post this by 1.13am. kids play.
oh, and also, i think you're obligated to ask out, or at least think about asking out pinky dental floss business chick. no worries.
Being drunk is awesome!! Someday I will drink when I want and blog all day.
Garrett, can you really lose what you don't have? ZING! Have another drink, playboy.
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