Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Voices inside my head. Echoes of things that you said...

Norm MacDonald used to do this old stand-up routine about playing a joke on your friend by dressing up as Satan and telling him to chop up his family into little bits. It ends something like this - So your friend is standing there and he says, "Oh Great Master of the Underworld. I have done as you have commanded. I have taken my family and chopped them up in to little bits, and I have them here in these trash bags. What do you command now, Oh Great Satan?" Then you take off your Satan mask, and say "Bob, it's me - Garrett. I was just fooling about. I'm not Satan." Then Bob will say, "Gee Garrett. Boy am I embarrassed. I mean, I've got my family here in trash bags. You really got me on that one"

The other day I was thinking about that comedy bit and two thoughts crossed my mind. The first was: Norm MacDonald's voice is kind of annoying. I mean, it's okay for a stand up routine, or for Weekend Update or something. But can you imagine taking a road trip with that guy and having to listen to his voice for eight hours in the car?

The second thought I had was: When crazy people hear voices in their head, what do they sound like? My thoughts sound pretty much like me talking. Like, I am thinking about this sentence right now, and reading it aloud to myself in my head, and my inside-my-head voice sounds just like my regular voice. Although when I think about the next sentence I am going to type I don't say "uh" as much, I just think it. Anyway, my point is - when a guy thinks The Devil is talking to him and telling him to do things, what does The Devil's voice sound like? Then I thought: If I think Norm's voice is annoying, what would I do if I had to listen to some demon talk in a raspy, deep, demon-like voice all day and night. You know though, it is probably only a vicious stereotype that demons speak in a raspy, deep, demon-like voice. I bet they sound just like you or I, and I bet they get mad as fucking hell when those raspy voiced demons start talking to regular folks because it gives them a bad image.

You know, you always hear about people hearing voices that told them to do terrible things. How come you never hear a crazy person talking about how his voices told him to do good things. We need more of those good voices around - not all of these Satan voices. I would not mind being crazy at all if the voices gave me good advice from time to time.

For example I'd be okay with a voice that said, "Yo Garrett, it's March 1 yo. Start on your taxes now or you will be up shit creek just like last year and doing them at 9:00 pm the day before they are due. Let's get with it, sucka."

Or maybe: "Garrett. Bro. That shirt does not look cool. Not matter what you might think you look like, you are not 22. You can not wear that fucking shirt to the bar. I'm just trying to keep it real, yo."

Possibly: "Garrett. I am voice inside your head. I am here to give you stock and investing tips."

Most Useful: "Garrett, I am a voice from beyond your dimension and know things that surpass all human understanding. Let me give you this tip on how to last more than two minutes during the sex. . ."

I'm thinking I could really use a voice inside my head someday. Another 20 or so years, and I am going to get pretty tired of only hearing my own voice all the time. Some company for my voice would be nice. Oh! What if the voice inside my head was a sexy girl-voice. Then my regular voice and the girl voice could talk dirty to each other and make out and stuff. Damn, that would be hot. Of course if the voice inside my head is anything like me, it won't be very good at the dirty talk and will say things like, "Um, well yeah, I would kind of like to fuck you hard, now that you mention it."


mindy said...

This is a funny blog. I am being sincere. Really.

Garrett Reid said...

How nice of you Mindy for posting a comment after I wrote to you asking if you read the blog post, what you thought about the blog post, told you not to be mean about how badly it was written, and then asking you to leave a nice comment. That is so kind of you to think of me.

dmbmeg said...

Why do you need inner dialog to talk dirty when you have tk to do it for you?

Manny said...

Word. I drunk dial TK all the time, and I'm like "you're so hot" although it comes out"yersho hawwwt, brlgkrky" and he's like "Yeah, I know. Do me."

Totally gets the job done.

But if I had a voice in my head I'd like it to sound like Patrick Stewart, so I can at least sound intelligent in my head.

Snow White said...

Glad to see that your alive... and back!

Voodoo said...

stumbled on this blog web searching norm macdonald - who is flippin hysterical...

even though you dogged on his voice, I can tell you like norm's comedy. You write stuff that's a bit like norm's material.

And - regardless of the name of the blog. it's enjoyable, funny stuff.