Thursday, August 31, 2006

Formal Apology

On behalf of This Blog is Not Funny, LLC, a subsidiary of Not Funny Blogs, International, wholly owned and operated by Global Chemical Industries, Inc. Worldwide, I would like to formally issue this apology to the French as a result of my inflammatory and offensive post yesterday. You have made your point with the hundreds of e-mails and well as the threatening phone calls. My statements regarding the “French Fry Mafia” were not meant to imply that the French people are involved in organized crime in any way. I know that this stereotype has been following the French for many years now, and I, for one, did not intend to perpetuate the stereotype by speaking of the French in the context of the mafia, mafioso, or organized crime in general. I know, personally, of the burden dealing with stereotypes may cause. I know France has been fighting other stereotypes that just will not seem to go away, such as “being totally full of bisexuals” or being “cowardly bisexuals” or being “cowardly people of a homosexual nature” or being “croissant kissing gay people”. Let me just be the first to say that when I say something unintentionally offensive I will stand up and admit my mistake. I am sorry French people. Please forgive this troubled soul for my terrible and degrading comments regarding organized crime.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Tater Tots and the French

Why is it that tater tots are universally similar in size, shape, color and taste, yet french fries vary from restaurant to restaurant. If I go in to a Coney Island in Poughkeepsie, FL I know my order of tots will taste exactly the same as those of my local burger joint. Sure, sometimes the tots are undercooked for overcooked slightly, but overall pretty universal. I think I have the answer to this age-old question. It is because the "tot" industry is not controlled by the French as is the "fry" industry. If it were, we would be getting all kinds of hokey, half baked (no pun) versions of tots - like "crinkle cut" tots or "tot wedges" or "waffle tots". Damn the French and their "French Fry Mafia".

UPDATE: I was just informed by an interested reader that in Australia, the tater tots are known as "potato gems". My God, you have to appreciate the Aussies and their sense of histrionics.

By the way - to my many readers in the United Kingdom (or "U.K." as I like to call Her) - what are the tots known as there?

Monday, August 28, 2006

A Hot Girl in the Stairwell - A Romantic Interlude

Sometimes it is the little things in life that make it worth living. Take today: I walked down eleven flights of stairs to get some lunch because the elevators in my building are broken. You read that right. Elevators. Plural. From my floor we have 6 elevators. All of them were inoperable. How can that be possible? I thought about sending an intern, but management frowns upon forced humiliation towards interns. Humiliation doesn't begin until after you are a full-timer. Anyway, as I was passing floor 6 there was a very hot girl walking up the stairs, coming toward me. She obviously worked in some other department since I had never seen her before. When we reached one another, and passed, I made an attempt at humor, saying, "I hope the company updated the life insurance policy to include death from stairs" ha, ha - I know. The point is, she responded, "you look like you are in pretty good shape to me." That was it - then she just kept on walking. Did I mention how hot she was?

There is no point to this story. I just wanted to share that with someone since no one was around to hear it. Hot girl said I looked good. She looked me up and down and thought to herself, "I must have him - tell him he is incredibly sexy and breathtakingly handsome!" Now that I think of it though, no one is around to read this either. If no one hears a hot girl say she wants your body right there in the stairway, did it really happen?

So I walked 22 flights of stairs (11 down - 11 up (try and keep up with the story)). I saw a hot girl. Hot girl and I almost had sex on steps 3 and 4 of floor six.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Good Luck and Good Night

I have a theory that good luck and bad luck occur in cycles - much like the phases of the moon or that thing that happens to women's vaginas every month. Basically, the theory goes like this - when you are up you are up, and when you are down. . . well you get the gist of it. I have been on a down cycle for about 2 years (approx.) During these past two years my car broke down on the side of the road three times, I have had the flu four times, I got evicted from my apartment, I "accidently" caused a hooker to OD, and my dog died of a rare genetic disorder that generally only affects cats (damn the irony).

Anyway - back to my theory. This week - good luck started rolling in. I got a raise! I am now the proud owner of an extra 50 dollars a month. Hello strippers and triple X pay-per-view. (If only it were $75 I could afford both at the same time - although I don't know if my heart could take the bliss). Second, it turns out the DA's office is not going to file charges. I have been advised by my lawyer not to talk about it, but let me just say that the bastard got what was coming to him and I'll be damned if I am going to let "society" tell me what I can and can't do in the privacy of my own bedroom. Third, and I know you are going to think these things are made up when you hear this one - my credit card is sending me a refund check - saying I overpaid my balance. I am certain this has never happened in the history of the modern free market economic system. Needless to say I will find something entirely self-destructive to do with that money. Perhaps I should use the money to hire a mercenary that can track down the bastards from the credit card company that have been on a steady campaign to ruin my credit and my life for the last five years. I don't have proof of this yet, but I believe they are even calling ex-girlfriends of mine to gossip with them about what a low-life I am. Fuckers. I will get even. Even if it ruins both my credit and my life. I will get even.

Back to the theory. When something goes up - it usually goes back down. With me it usually goes back down within 1-2 minutes and way, way before anyone is "satisfied". So, I have had three good things happen to me. That is usually the limit. The last good luck streak was in July 22-28, 2004 when I won $20 from the lottery and got a blow job in the same week. That never happened before, and will probably never happen again. (I mean the blow job part, not the lottery part - winning lotteries is easy - getting blow jobs, well, the odds are against you by far) Now we can expect a fall so great that I will be lucky to survive with all four limbs. I predict impotence, death or mental retardation (of course I am about half way there on each already).

If I am alive - expect another post soon. All my love. . .

Thursday, August 24, 2006

This Blog is Not Funny

This is what you need to know: This blog is not funny. There is one primary reason for that: I am not funny. Something else you might need to know: I think I am awesome, but I am probably not really very awesome. Actually, now that I think about it, I AM probably awesome. At least more awesome than you. If you think about it, I am only writing this to myself right now. There is no one reading this. So, of course, I am more awesome than YOU. YOU are some guy/girl who wondered upon this blog and read the first post. If you don't have better things to do with your time than read this crap, then I KNOW I am more awesome than you. Then again, I don't have anything better to do than to write this crap - so we are back to square one.

My god, can I use the word "awesome" a few more times. I really suck at this. But at least I am honest, right? Not funny at all. But probably still funnier than you.