Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Apparently, I am an asshole.

That's right. I know. I can't believe it either. I am as shocked as you are. But this is what a friend of mine told me on Sunday. In fact, her exact words were: "You know, you're a real asshole, and I'm not the only one who thinks so." So what could I possibly have done to cause such hatred from a good friend of mine? Well, I don't think it deserves conferring asshole status on me so much as it warrants, "thoughtless and insensitive" status.

I'll try and keep this short because - well, I know you don't care very much. That and I am a very busy person doing very important things.

Saturday night I had a party at my house. You know, on a side note - at what age do you stop having regular parties where everyone comes over and drinks and you start having dinner parties, or those kind of house parties where there is a bartender and caterers? All of my parties are the same. 20 friends come over, drink shit tons of alcohol and smoke on my back porch, until someone suggests we play a drinking game. Then 10 of us play stupid games around my kitchen table while the other 6 keep drinking while watching football on TV. Two people will probably have sex in one room of my house. Two people will leave early because they have kids, and having kids turns you into a gigantic pussy who can't stay out past 10:00.

Well this party ended when everyone was too drunk to see the playing cards, and with me checking my home owner's policy to see if it would cover a drunk driving accident. I thought it would, so everyone got to be on their merry little ways. And I got to feel secure in the knowledge that some insurance company would have to pay for the inevitable accident rather than me.

When everyone left, the girlfriend says to me, "hey - someone left a cell phone."

I excitedly checked it out. The cell phone belonged to my friend, Crystal. Plans immediately began being made for how to most appropriately use the lost cell phone to have some fun. On a side note here, having a girlfriend is trouble for me in these situations. Especially given just how awesome I really am. If she had not been there, I would have seen the cell phone, put it on the table and thought about all of the funny stuff to do. Then I would have fallen asleep after furiously masturbating to that picture I downloaded last week of that chick from that high school musical show. Since she is there I have an audience, and I also don't have a reason to masturbate (P.S. I'm sorry girl from high school musical that I have neglected masturbating to you since I downloaded you last week. I promise to get around to it. It's not you, it's me. I've been really busy. I've been getting some non-solo sex. I'm sorry. I'll do better next week I promise).

So we finally voted and decided the best plan was to send random text messages to mutual friends. Here are the text messages in order:

To her roommate (who was out of town): I can't wait for you to get back. I've been thinking a lot about "us" and I think we should take it to the next level.

To Amy (another single girl also at the party): Great time tonight! You looked hot by the way. Maybe just the two of us could go out some time and get to know each other better. I hope you know what I mean by that.

To Chuck (a guy that was not at the party - and who is married) Missed a great party at G.R.'s house. Too bad you and [wife] couldn't make it because I can't stop thinking about that tight dress she wore when I saw her last.

To Denise (her best friend): I think I am having feelings for Garrett! What should I do? I can't stop thinking about him and touching myself!

At this point, I got bored. It takes a long time to text all of that. We decided one final message would be appropriate. But I couldn't decide on what to do. Maybe I was too drunk to think clearly. Maybe I wanted to get the texting over with so some inappropriate and fairly degrading (to me) sexual activity could take place. I don't know, but I decided the final message should be sent to everyone in her contact list. That's right. Everyone.

It read: "To Everyone: I'm drunk and looking for a hook up! Call me!!!!" Then I turned off her phone and left it at that.

Cue the furious phone call the next morning. She was okay with the messages I sent to her roommate (the roommate alerted her to my joke with a phone call at 7:00 am). She was okay with the messages I sent to Amy and Chuck. She thought the one to Denise was hilarious. What she was not okay with was me telling everyone in her contact list that she was drunk and looking for a piece of ass. What I wasn't thinking about was the fact that her mother, her grandmother, her boss, her father (who is in Thailand or something), her childhood friends, and several people from her church were on that list. Oops.

Okay, I admit. This is one of the worst things I have done. I screwed up. I'm probably an asshole. However, in my defense I didn't do it to be an asshole. I just didn't think. I think she is going to forgive me. I told her I was sorry, and that I would bring her the phone. She said she didn't want it back. She told everyone who called her that the phone was stolen. She is getting a new one this week. But really, she shouldn't leave her phone just laying around!

Okay, let me have it. I'm an asshole.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Why Didn't Al Gore Invent This Thing in 1988?

This week some lucky f-ing eleven year olds got to see some porn action.

The story is here: Fifth-Graders Mistakenly Shown Part of Porn Movie

I hate to sound old and bitter here (maybe I am though), but kids today do not realize how lucky they have it. When I was a kid there were only two sources of porn:

1) The rack of dirty magazines behind the counter at your local 7-11, totally inacessible to a 12 year old, porn craving kid who is eager to learn about his changing body.

2) The collection of late 1970's porn videos belonging to your friend's dad that he kept in the top of his closet. At first this would seem like a good option for porn watching, until you consider the prospect of your friend's parents coming home early from work to find you and another 12 year old boy sitting on the couch watching two overly-pubed people sweating and moaning into the camera in an abandoned warehouse (or some such thing - these are just examples people). Also included in this category are the friend's dad's collection of Playboys stashed in a box in the attic. However, looking at Playboy magazines from 1962 with a flashlight in a 135 degree attic is not as fun as it sounds.

A third option that only receives an honorable mention is the glimpse of porn you get when you tune the sattelite receiver in between two dirty stations and you get static-filled, black and white, no sound images of some sort of body movement, possibly involving intercourse.

Kids today have shit tons of porn available at a moment's notice. If you google "pussy" you get 55.7 million hits. 55 million! It's just not fair. Do you know how badly I wished to see vaginas when I was a kid? Hell, I bet half of all high schooler's iPods are filled to the brim with porn videos today. Not Fair. Now, according to Fox News, they are even getting porn on school computers during class. The teacher thought it was a Star Wars video. My Ass. That is because he labeled all of his porn collection with movie names so his wife wouldn't find them.

Damn those lucky little bastard kids and their prolific porn watching.

Of course, for the rest of their lives those kids will have a whole new meaning for "Use the Force, Luke."

Or maybe it is, "Show Me Your Force, Luke!"

(or possibly, "Your Force is So Big, Luke!")

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Being in a relationship can be fun. As some of you know - I've been dating a girl. (By the way, her name is Susan - she would "prefer it" if I didn't talk about her on here. I told her, "don't be silly. If I mention you on the blog, it's not about you. It's always about me.") I'm learning all kinds of super fantastic things.

For example: Apparently, the best answer to the question of "you know what we should try this weekend?" is not "anal sex?"

You learn something every day, I suppose. (It turns out she was thinking more along the lines of trying a new Indian restaurant.)