Friday, November 17, 2006

Welcome Freaky Porn People!

If you have found my blog because of a search for “midget penis” or “porn” or “midget porn” or “ass peeing pics” or “porn vagina” or “Kristi Yamaguchi” - Welcome! It is great to have you. My blog hits have doubled the last few days because of a certain post I wrote regarding midgets and their penises. If you are here because you are looking for pictures of pornography, midgets, vaginas, or Yamaguchi’s then you might be slightly disappointed at first. However, I want you to know that you can stay if you like, take a look around, read some stupid thing I wrote and then tell me about your life in a very detailed e-mail.

Seriously, within 15 minutes of posting the midget penis post the hits started coming. What is up with that? They just kept flooding in by the twos and threes. I appreciate that there are many people out there looking for porn on their home computer so they can easily masturbate to the fetish of their choice, but I don’t really understand whey they would actually click on my blog. My suspicion is that there is a guy out there looking for some hot “ass peeing pics” (whatever that may be), and is sitting as his bedroom computer, boxers around ankles, lube at the ready. He begins his search for “ass peeing pics” and then sees This Blog is Not Funny. “Hmm,” he says to himself, “very interesting.” He clicks on in and starts reading about the stupid drivel I write about. He quickly realizes this is not the blog of an "ass pee-er" and goes someplace else.

One more thing, If you are the 15-20 people who have clicked here by searching Blogger for “porn” you need to narrow your search, my friend. Who searches the internets for “porn?” Isn’t that a little generic. What kind of porn? Lesbian porn? Gay porn? Bondage porn? Monkey porn? American-Indian Transvestite Porn? You need some specifics, buddy.

I’ve written “porn” so many times now it is starting to not look like a word. Porn. Porn. IS it a real word? Porn. Hmm. Very interesting.

I promise I will try and write about something better later. I suck, I know. God help me. How about this, everyone that is reading this - e-mail me and tell me about yourself. Not in the “where you work” and “whether you leave your bedroom blinds slightly open,” but more like in the “I like bunny rabbits and singing in the shower” way. We’ll converse. I’ll write something embarrassing about myself, you’ll tell me it is “okay” and not to be embarrassed. We’ll bond. We’ll become life long pen pals that never meet, until one cold day in autumn when you will find me outside your Upper West Side apartment with some flowers and my Golden Retriever at my side. You’ll say “I wanted it to you be you,” and I’ll say “Don't cry, Shopgirl. Don't cry.” Then we’ll walk through the park, happily whistling “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”

Is there anyone out there NOT creeped out right now?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Midget Porn

I spent a good portion of last night looking at midget porn. (I’m not exactly clear on the correct terminology. It might be “little person porn”, or “dwarf porn.” While this distinction might matter to some, I don’t think it matters to the three foot tall girl doing a gang bang in an abandoned warehouse). Some of you (but not all) may be inquiring of yourself at this very moment, "Why is Garrett, whom we have come to know, love and trust to be a decent, respectable, God-fearing member of the human race looking at something so degrading as web sites with titles such as "Bang A Midget" and "Midget Sex Mania"? Well, it is all in the name of science my dear friends.

You see, I watch a little show that I love with all of my heart entitled Nip/Tuck. If you don’t watch it, turn to FX right now and catch a glimpse because it is awesome. For my female readers, there is at least one bare male ass in every episode. Basically the show features two wealthy doctors who have a lot of sex and engage in a tremendous amount of immoral behavior. I know - right up my alley. Anyway, this season Dr. McNamara’s wife, Julia, begins having an affair with the male dwarf-nanny, Marlowe (I know, I know - there really couldn’t be a better name for a dwarf-nanny!) So this lead to a discussion with a co-worker. I now pose this question to you in the hopes of finally reaching a rational conclusion: Can a relationship between a regular-sized woman and a midget/dwarf man ever be fully satisfying to the woman because of the midget/dwarf sized penis?

I posed that question to my co-worker. The ensuing, sometimes confrontational, conversation went like this (for ease of reading I will use letters to symbolize who is speaking. "M" will represent me (because I am too fucking lazy to type the "e") and "F" will represent my friend - I would use his real name, but he is a lawyer and God knows he will probably sue me:

M: Can a relationship between a regular-sized woman and a midget/dwarf man ever be fully satisfying to the woman because of the midget/dwarf sized penis? (I know we already covered this- fuck off and keep quiet during the conversation)

F: Are you serious?

M: Uh, yeah. Midget man equals midget penis.

F: You are an idiot.

M: What are you talking about?

F: Midgets have normal sized penises.

M: Shut the fuck up. That is impossible, they would hang to their little midget knees.

F: Trust me, dude, midgets do not have "midget sized penises" (said with derision in his voice)

M: It just stands to reason, is all I am saying. If a 6 foot tall man has 6 inch penis, then 3 foot tall man must have 3 inch penis. That’s just basic logic and math skills. Third Grade man. Editor’s note: The numbers used herein are for example only. I have a penis much, much bigger than 6 inches. Just ask your mom. Zing!

F: Why do I even talk to you? (Looks at me in disgust and turns and walks away)

As soon as I got home from work I started looking me up some midget porn. This has led me to the following conclusions:


1) Man midgets are vastly underused in porn. I looked at many websites and I saw the same man midget on every site. There is only one man-midget in porn. This means that if you are a midget and into doing many, many girls on camera, then there is a potential market for you.

2) 99.5 percent of all midget porn sites are pictures/videos of girl-midgets getting fucked by some big-penised guy. I have a theory that these sites are popular because regular joes would like to have the intercourse with a midget to make them feel like they have huge, giant-sized penises.

3) Although most midget porn sites are straight sex (regular guy/girl midget), there exists every other possible variety: a) full-sized girl/girl midget, b) girl midget peeing on guy, c) dominatrix midget, d) midget girl on midget girl, e) mature midgets.

4) I was not able to ascertain the penis size of the average dwarf/midget. The one midget I saw had a regular sized penis. However, in regular guy porn they use the guy with the biggest penis, usually at least 8-10 inches. Therefore, it stands to reason that they would use the midget with the biggest penis, so maybe the rest have small penises. I decided it was not a very scientific endeavor to seek to determine the penis size of the adult male midget by looking at porn.

5) There is not an article on Wikipedia addressing midget penises. Could someone look into that.

6) I felt like an idiot going to medical websites and typing into the search engine: “Dwarf penis size”

Okay that’s it. I don’t know the answer. I really wanted to come into work this morning with some medical literature and hard core midget-porn printouts to support my arguments. Does anyone out there know the answer? Can anyone help?

Write me if you are:

1) actually a midget/dwarf and are still reading this post after being so obviously offended by my insensitivities.

2) a girl and have had sex with a midget.

3) a guy and have had sex with a midget (yes I did look for gay midget sites - none).

4) know a man midget and are willing to ask him the length and girth of his midget member.

5) just like to talk about sex in general and don’t mind if you immediately become the subject of my masturbation fantasies.

Lets get those e-mails going. I need an answer by lunch. Keep the faith and walk the walk.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Oh Baby, Baby

For those lucky few citizens who read the last post, thank you for your many thoughts and prayers. After I wrote that post, the Coors sightings stopped. I think they figured out that I was on to them, and ceased their scandalous activity. I am safe for now.

Now our attention turns to the biggest news of yesterday. Britney and K-Fed .

To K-Fed: I’m sorry, yo! I didn’t mean for mine and Britney’s relationship to interfere with your marriage. After all, it is purely sexual. What can I say, she likes to get herself some of this, yo! She just likes to play, “pet the magic monkey” a lot. I’m sorry that she told me you have an unusually small penis, and oblong-shaped testicles. In conclusion, keep it real, yo. Keep rappin’

The best part of Britney/K-Fed news is the story headlines they come up with. My favorite so far: “K-Fed is Now Fed-ex After Britney Files for Divorce.” Simply hilarious.

Also fun to observe is the different treatment the divorce of Brit/K-Fed gets from the Reese/Ryan split. When you tell people about Reese/Ryan, they give a little tilt of the head, a little sigh and say something like, “I always liked those two, I thought they would go the distance.” The reality is that they did go the distance, but only by Hollywood standards. The stayed together long enough to create little blond-headed babies who would grow up to be Oscar winners. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway - creating other beautiful people so that we have someone to leave our money to besides charities, homeless people and starving china-people. So when I broke the news to my secretary about Britney/K-Fed, her exact words were, “It is about damn time, she should have kicked him to the curb a long time ago.” When I told her that I saw this article saying that K-Fed may have found out by text message, she laughed gleefully. Actual glee! That women hates the K-Fed. I just feel sorry for him. It must be tough to go through life with oblong-shaped testicles.

I am not really certain, but I think texting your spouse to tell him he will now be poor and divorced has to be the saddest thing possible. Apparently he had no idea since a few hours before the divorce was announced he was quoted as saying, “I've been away from the kids for like a week right now. It's killing me inside, you know, but, baby, I'll be home soon [yo]” That really has to hurt. I don’t know if you know anything about lawyers, but it usually takes them longer than a couple of hours to draft the necessary paperwork, etc. Britney probably had those lawyers draft a set of divorce papers to keep on file, just in case. She had her lawyer on speed-dial and as soon as K-Fed pissed her off, she had a lawyer on the way to the court house. My guess is that she had the papers drafted when she heard the rap album. I mean, if I had a spouse, and she started rapping, I would hire a lawyer too. Who wouldn't?

Well folks, you have once again wasted some time reading this pointless stuff. I can’t believe I just wrote over 500 words about Britney. Pathetic and sad. Please forgive.

Friday, November 03, 2006


I may be in a small amount of trouble. Well, to be honest I don’t know how "small" the trouble is. My life may be in danger. I want to tell you all because, um, I don’t have anyone else to tell. I think the Coors Brewing Company may be out to get me.

On Tuesday I posted a little bit about me drinking a Coors Banquet Beer. (It is, after all, like a banquet in your mouth). Within the hour, there was a hit on my blog. I notice the hit because, well, when they come in ones and twos by the day, you tend to notice them. This one especially caught my eye. The location was Golden, Colorado. If you are not familiar with the glorious city of Golden it lies at the mouth of Clear Creek at the edge of the foothills of the Front Range. It was founded on June 16, 1859 and named for Thomas L. Golden. (I just stole that directly from Wikipedia). Golden is known for being the home of the world’s fifth largest brewing company, Coors Brewing Company.

When I saw the City of Golden on sitemeter, I got excited. "What a coincidence!" my naive, silly self thought to. . . uh. . . myself. Then when I clicked on the statistic, I became concerned. The ISP was from Coors Brewing Company. Obviously, they have some kind of sophisticated software that allows their spies to see when anyone on the entire internets types the word "Coors." I was concerned at the sophistication and technology being employed by Coors, but this concern had not yet reached the level of fear.

I am just a worthless blog guy. I have nothing to offer to the world, and the words I type mean little to anyone, especially since they are read by so few. Why would the world’s fifth largest brewing company care what I have to say about one of their products? Unfortunately, I may never discovery the answer to this dark secret. When I left the office yesterday and entered my car in the parking garage, I noticed the unmistakable scent of hops. Surely you are familiar with what hops are. Hops come from the flowers of Humulus lupulus, and contain several characteristics very favorable to beer: (a) hops contribute a bitterness that balances the sweetness of the malt, (b) hops can contribute aromas that are flowery, citrus, fruity or herbal and, (c) hops have an antibiotic effect that favors the activity of brewer's yeast over less desirable microorganisms. While hop plants are grown by farmers all around the world in many different varieties, there is no major commercial use for hops other than in beer. (I also stole that from Wikipedia).

Did you hear that people? No other use, other than beer. I’m fucked.

So then I get home and I see a white van parked near my house. I swear to god it had a refrigeration unit on top, like someone that is transporting beer might have. Got to keep that stuff cold, you know. The van was parked there for about 20 minutes after I got home, and then drove away and out of the neighborhood. I couldn’t see anyone inside the van from my angle, but I suspect it was a Coors operative. I have now stopped logging on the internet from home and stopped talking on the phone because I suspect that my computer and phone line may be bugged.

There is little say now. I am probably endangering my life by writing this to you, but I love you. I feel I must share this with you, lest anything undesirable occur. May God have mercy on my soul. If I am back with another post later, just ignore this stupid little rant. If not, tell the world my story.