Wednesday, June 27, 2007

There Be Pirates

There are so many things that happened during my hiatus that I needed to tell you all about. For example: I had a crazy waitress one night. My boss is kind of mean sometimes. The Sopranos finale sucked an ass. Okay, I guess that is about all that happened. I can't really help it that I lead a very boring life. If I were banging models every other Thursday you would be the first to know, believe me. Of course I would also tell my co-workers, my dog Abigail, most of my neighbors, and my Grandma. I think she would be proud. (Dear Grandma, I am banging models every other Thursday. All my love, Garrett. P.S. Send more of those chocolate chip cookies. They're super swell).

So a few weeks ago I was invited to a friend's son's fifth birthday party. Before I go on, let me just ask what the hell is up with people inviting adults to these kids parties? I mean, I am not related to the kid. I get metric assloads of invitations to friend's kid's parties. The first problem with this arrangement (other than the fact that you have to go) is the present. How much money do you spend of a 3 year old girl's birthday present? For non-child friends, I usually just buy them a few shots and call it good. I guess I should follow the three shot cost rule. Or I guess I could just buy a case of Fruit Punch with a bow on top.

So for this kid's party I start the toy shopping by walking the toy aisle. Unfortunately for me, I did not plan ahead. The usual failsafe thing to do in these situations is to find out ahead of time what kind of game system the kid has, and then purchase a game. Sure you have to spend a little bit of money in this scenario, but the effort is very little. 1) Find game section 2) Pick game that looks like I might want to play it, 3) check rating to make sure the kid's mother doesn't cuss my ass at some later date for the "graphic" video game violence, like some guy getting a bullet to the temple. (On a side note, if you have a ten year old, you need to say up front if you are going to be a prude about murder scenes in video games. How was I supposed to know?)

Like I was saying, I didn't plan ahead. The party was in two hours and I was walking through the store. I couldn't really call my friend at that point, and ask about appropriate gifts - I'd look like a slacker. So I just started walking up and down the aisles. After a few minutes I came across the perfect gift. It was a Pirates of the Caribbean play thing. It came with a sword, eye patch, hat, hook - all kinds of cool stuff. When I was a kid, my friends and I had to get big sticks to play swords, so I figured this kid was going to have the time of his life.

When it came my turn for the kid to open my gift, he ripped the paper off of the box, saw what was within, then jumped up and down clapping and screaming, "A pirate sword, a pirate sword!" I said back, "Don't forget the hook in there, that is pretty cool too."

The kid, I thought somewhat inappropriately, hugged me.

I knew within seconds that something was wrong. The kid's mother asked someone to hand her the package. She looks at it for a minute, then calls my friend over to further inspect it. They whisper something back and forth to each other. Then she looked at the kid, and said, "I don't know that this is the most appropriate gift." All of the parents at the party turned and looked at me like I just shot the kid up with meth. The other kids tried to get up front to see what was so bad about the present. My first thought was, "Holy shit, did I get some gift with a scantily clad woman on it?" I doubted this could be the case because I always notice scantily clad women, even on kids' toys. Then the mother said to the kid (and I am not making this up at all):

"Honey, pirates were not nice people. You don't want to be a pirate because they stole and killed people. Wouldn't you rather be a policeman or a fireman?"

"No! I want a pirate sword!"

"But honey, pirates were the bad guys. Nobody liked them because they hurt other people and were VERY mean." (She gave me a look when she said that).

"But I want a pirate sword"

"Maybe we should talk about it later" she said as she put of the pirate gear behind her, "let's open some other presents."

As things were wrapping up, I went to the mother and said, "I'm sorry I didn't realize pirates were off limits."

She looked at me sort of sternly and said, "Well you didn't know, but we don't like to encourage the sort of violence that those kind of toys promote." She turned on her heels and that was it.

So have things changed so much since I was a kid? I don't remember a birthday before the age of 10 that didn't include some sort of gun or play weapon of one form or another. What is going on in the world that kids are no longer given toys they can use to beat the crap of our their siblings with? I mean, it is not like I gave the kid a Jihad home starter kit. It was a fucking plastic sword.

So in case you have a kid's party coming up. I would recommend a nice set of plastic dishes, or maybe a lovely savings bond. The only good that came out of this party, I don't think I'll be invited back to the sixth birthday party.

Monday, June 25, 2007

All Midgets All The Time

Apparently, there is a niche to be filled on the Internets. According to Wikipedia (citing Technorati) there are over 71 million blogs. I appear to be the only person (formerly) having a blog to have blogged about midget penises. My God, people want to know about the phallus of the little people! Men and women alike hunger for knowledge about our small-statured brethren's man meat. All of the Americas ache for information about shaft size of the small, the dong of the dwarf. For those of you who may not know I had a little post a while back wherein I discuss the midget cock (That term seems kind of offensive in some way. If you are offended by “midget cock,” try replacing those words with either 1) dick, 2) wang, 3) dork, 4) member, 5) pecker, 6) peter, 7) prick, 8) schlong, 9) tool, or 10) willy -- or possibly -- little person penis.

I have been long gone from this little blog for a short while now. I did not log into my gmail for some time after the final post. When I did, I had what you might refer to as a bit of hate mail. After a while, I started to feel guilty. I had people that were coming here every day to read the insightful things I had written. Before I left,I was getting quite a few hits a day (not to brag, but we are talking in the low 10s here), and I felt that I had let those folks down. So I got the ol' sitemeter out and checked the traffic to see if it had now dwindled to 2 or 3 people a day. What did I discover? It had a barely noticeable drop. Why you may ask? Because, even when I am not blogging on a semi-weekly basis, people still only come to this blog by typing the search term “midget penis.”

For example – check out this e-mail I received over the weekend:

hi we are parting [sic] down right now in sf, and were watching tv with a midget reality show. wondering if midgets have regular penises. ran across your blog and laughed our asses off. your shit was funny. we were bored and wanted to let you know fucked up drunks are looking at your blog. have fun in dallas, you belong in sf....,..

I also received a few one line e-mails, such as:

“dude - you talk about midget penis so much you must want one up your butt.”

That is an interesting concept, but I seriously doubt I could fit a midget up my butt.

“I dated a midget once, but I think he may have been gay because he didn’t like to have sex. When he did, he only wanted me ‘from behind.’ "

That got me to thinking, doggy style must be an excellent position for a midget. I mean, think about it, he gets to just stand there and go to town. You would have no knee problems to worry about - literally all you would have to do is stand in one place and move your pelvis forward and backward a few small inches. Even I could do that. And ladies, just so you know - when a guy wants it “from behind” it is not because he is gay. It is because he thinks you are unattractive. Just kidding. It is really so you won’t notice him watching Sports Center while doing it. Just kidding again, it really is because he thinks you are unattractive. (As a side note, I have watched ESPN during sex, and it is an excellent way to get you up to that five minute mark we all strive for - unless cheerleading competitions are on, then you are shit out of luck).

Moving on. Next e-mail:

“Oh my god! I am so hot right now. I just read your entire blog from the beginning. I don’t know if you are online right now, but if you are - call me at [redacted]. You are so funny, you make me have to touch myself right here and now. That’s what I am doing at his very moment – pleasuring myself while reading your blog – that and biting my bottom lip and whispering to myself ‘Oh Garrett!’ and ‘Holy shit Garrett, it is so big – not like a midget’s at all!' and ‘Hurry and up and finish before my husband wakes up!’”

There is a small chance that last e-mail was made up.

I am giving all of the credit for this post to Susan H., who wrote to me a few weeks back with this (in its entirety – even the praise of me) It was at the moment I received this e-mail that I knew I must someday return. My work must be finished. The people of the world need this shit that I am selling.

So, I'm on my couch watching a little Heroes on NBC... its season finale season and that's pretty much the highlight of my life right now...

The phone rings and my sister starts going into this story about one of her Judge shows that she watches and how the owner of a regular sized horse sued the owner of a midget horse for breaking into his pen and mounting her... thus producing baby 1/2 midget horses which were apparently not the stock he was going for when he sunk $12,000 into a horse. But I digress... She then draws me back into the conversation by posing this question... "So, do midgets then, like midget people, have normal sized penises?"

I, having been privy to a particularly fascinating midget wrestling match once upon a time, offer her the words of the wrestling midget himself, "People always ask me what I'm packing.... I tell em, I got a normal sized dick, but on me... it looks f'ing HUGE." In other words, yes, I assume midgets have a normal sized penis.

She then tells me she called our mother first but our mother suggested she call and ask me. Definitely something I'm going to ponder later. Anyhow, I decide that since my family believes me to be the authority on midget penises, I should try and be accurate so I do what anyone in my position would do... Google it. First I try google pics... naked midget. Nothing. Then "naked midget male"... still nothing. So, I decide that before I'm flagged by the Patriot Act internet search squad, I'll just run that search on the web one last time. And yes... it brought me to you. Even more ironic is the fact that just this afternoon, I too watched the tale of "The Shop Around the Corner" and thought to myself "Don't cry, Shopgirl? How could this not be mocked as heavily as 'You had me at hello' or 'Ditto' or any of the other lines from any of the other movies Meg Ryan has been in?" I actually sat here and thought to myself that I have never seen that referenced anywhere... until now. Midget penises and Meg Ryan. You, my friend, are gonna make some lady very happy one day...

Thanks for the blog,


My Response:


This is an excellent, excellent e-mail. It took me a very long time to read it though because I could not get past the first paragraph wherein you discuss a regular sized horse being mounted by a midget sized horse. How does that work? Or was it the owner of the midget sized horse mounting the regular sized horse?

Now that I think about this topic more - I should address it in a full blog post.


Her Response:

Hi Garrett, I can see how that might be distracting. I was, frankly, more concerned that someone thought of me as an authority on midget genitalia than that the horse had been mounted at all. I'm not exactly sure how it happens... The only logical conclusion would be based off a variation of your own theory about midget porn and porn actors in general. So, say that porn typically uses the male with the largest penis... one could assume then that when choosing "studs" for breeding, the stud with the largest penis would also be chosen for the best chance of success. In other words, I can only assume that this midget horse had a particularly large wang. That or it was a particularly ingenious circus pony.
My Response:

I think I would go with the large horse wang explanation. Although, is there a correlation between the best "stud" for breeding and largest penis size? For example, I know that I am sought after for my breeding ability and good genes, but my penis is particularly unnoteworthy. I do generally have a pretty good "Chance of success" - that success just comes within seconds and results in less than positive judges' scores.


That was the last I ever heard of Susan H. She won my heart, and then went away. I still think of that one day back in May when she wooed me with her tales of a wrestling midget. I wish her the best of luck in all of her future endeavors. If only I would not have scared her off with my ill-timed attempt at humor and tales of my penis, who knows where our relationship could be today. She might have written a third time, wherein she would have confessed her love for me. She might have let me know she was a nymphomaniac phone sex addict who just got an unlimited nights and weekends plan. The point is - we don't know.

It wasn't until today that I realized that what Susan H. did to me, I did to all of you. You fell in love with me. You stalked me a little bit. You girls (ladies) began to have many, many sexual fantasies involving me. The men began to envy me and my totally awesome life. Then I left you. Now I understand the heartache you must feel. Just like the loneliness I feel every day when I log into my e-mail and see that Susan H. has not written to me, you feel hurt and rejected by my sudden departure. For that, I am sorry. Now I know your pain.

So there you have it folks. I am back and open for business. If you have a genitals-related question for me, please feel free to e-mail it or ask in the comments. To those of you searching for midget penis answers, I don’t have them really. Go and find yourself a midget and ask to look at his member. I am sure he will oblige (who wouldn’t?). For those ladies in my area that need a “normal sized” penis for comparison, I am happy to be of scientific research for you.