Friday, December 21, 2007

Tis The Season

Today marks the first day of Holiday gift giving. This year, I've adopted a new gift giving technique. I decided to go online to various companies and restaurants and purchase gift cards. Everyone I know that gets gifts from me received a genuine gift card to one of their favorites. They ranged in value from $25 to $50. My secretary/assistant got one for $25. My parents got one for $50. Unfortunately for me, I didn't do my research early to determine what people's favorite restaurants were. Also, I ran into trouble when I figured out that you have to go website to website to buy these gift cards. Unfortuntely, Amazon doesn't sell these on their site. So, I got tired of going to multiple sites after about 10 minutes. Therefore, everyone I know in the world will receive, or has already received, a gift card ranging in value from $25 to $50 for either Red Lobster, Olive Garden, or Outback Steakhouse.

My total gift buying time - 45 minutes
Total amount spent - $750
Amount of my love given to my friends and family, as expressed in my thoughtful gift - infinite.

For those of you wondering, I didn't just get my girlfriend some crummy gift card. She got both a gift card and a coupon for one night of Garrett-lovin'. She is so lucky. One night next week, we'll be dining on a Bloomin' Onion, baby. Merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

I Know Just How to Whisper, and I Know Just How to Cry.

Go check out this article about hot monkey lovin' and then come back here as soon as possible. Try not to get turned on by all the talk of nasty monkey sex.

Study Reveals Why Monkeys Shout During Sex.

I feel sorry for these poor monkeys. All their lives they are super monkey sexual dynamos. They are rocking numerous lady monkeys' worlds a week. Then one day a team of scientists show up and inform them that they are not, in fact, bringing their little monkey lovers to the point of ecstasy on a nightly basis. In reality, these monkey's have very much in common with their Garrett human counterpart. Like I, they have female partners that want the experience to be over as quickly as possible and will do anything to speed the process along. I suppose what this means is that girl monkeys and girl girls are not that different. Both will make a lot of noise, shout your name, tell you are the best they have ever had, just to get you worked up and decrease the number of pelvic thrusts.

These scientists actually watched these monkeys engage in the coitus. They actually counted the male monkey pelvic thrusts. Then they wondered why the poor monkeys were not able to get the job done, so to speak. If I had some chick in glasses, a white lab coat, and clipboard staring at my ass while I thrust away, I might have a little trouble finishing up too.

I'm totally kidding, of course. If you want watch my pelvic thrusting call me. Especially if you want to do it while wearing a lab coat and glasses. That is so hot.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Voices inside my head. Echoes of things that you said...

Norm MacDonald used to do this old stand-up routine about playing a joke on your friend by dressing up as Satan and telling him to chop up his family into little bits. It ends something like this - So your friend is standing there and he says, "Oh Great Master of the Underworld. I have done as you have commanded. I have taken my family and chopped them up in to little bits, and I have them here in these trash bags. What do you command now, Oh Great Satan?" Then you take off your Satan mask, and say "Bob, it's me - Garrett. I was just fooling about. I'm not Satan." Then Bob will say, "Gee Garrett. Boy am I embarrassed. I mean, I've got my family here in trash bags. You really got me on that one"

The other day I was thinking about that comedy bit and two thoughts crossed my mind. The first was: Norm MacDonald's voice is kind of annoying. I mean, it's okay for a stand up routine, or for Weekend Update or something. But can you imagine taking a road trip with that guy and having to listen to his voice for eight hours in the car?

The second thought I had was: When crazy people hear voices in their head, what do they sound like? My thoughts sound pretty much like me talking. Like, I am thinking about this sentence right now, and reading it aloud to myself in my head, and my inside-my-head voice sounds just like my regular voice. Although when I think about the next sentence I am going to type I don't say "uh" as much, I just think it. Anyway, my point is - when a guy thinks The Devil is talking to him and telling him to do things, what does The Devil's voice sound like? Then I thought: If I think Norm's voice is annoying, what would I do if I had to listen to some demon talk in a raspy, deep, demon-like voice all day and night. You know though, it is probably only a vicious stereotype that demons speak in a raspy, deep, demon-like voice. I bet they sound just like you or I, and I bet they get mad as fucking hell when those raspy voiced demons start talking to regular folks because it gives them a bad image.

You know, you always hear about people hearing voices that told them to do terrible things. How come you never hear a crazy person talking about how his voices told him to do good things. We need more of those good voices around - not all of these Satan voices. I would not mind being crazy at all if the voices gave me good advice from time to time.

For example I'd be okay with a voice that said, "Yo Garrett, it's March 1 yo. Start on your taxes now or you will be up shit creek just like last year and doing them at 9:00 pm the day before they are due. Let's get with it, sucka."

Or maybe: "Garrett. Bro. That shirt does not look cool. Not matter what you might think you look like, you are not 22. You can not wear that fucking shirt to the bar. I'm just trying to keep it real, yo."

Possibly: "Garrett. I am voice inside your head. I am here to give you stock and investing tips."

Most Useful: "Garrett, I am a voice from beyond your dimension and know things that surpass all human understanding. Let me give you this tip on how to last more than two minutes during the sex. . ."

I'm thinking I could really use a voice inside my head someday. Another 20 or so years, and I am going to get pretty tired of only hearing my own voice all the time. Some company for my voice would be nice. Oh! What if the voice inside my head was a sexy girl-voice. Then my regular voice and the girl voice could talk dirty to each other and make out and stuff. Damn, that would be hot. Of course if the voice inside my head is anything like me, it won't be very good at the dirty talk and will say things like, "Um, well yeah, I would kind of like to fuck you hard, now that you mention it."

Is This Thing On?

Does this blog still work? What the hell is going on here?