Monday, January 07, 2008

This Blog Is Not Funny: Your Guide to Politics

Listen folks, I don't want to get "all political" here on you. In fact, we here at This Blog is Not Funny, LLC, a subsidiary of Not Funny Blogs, International, wholly owned and operated by Global Chemical Industries, Inc. Worldwide will not officially endorse a candidate for President of the United States. Because of my "celebrity status" I do not feel it is morally or ethically proper for me to influence your vote with my opinion. God knows, I could win Obama this election in a landslide victory were I to lend him my endorsement. Seriously, just envision the front page of the New York Times: "Garrett Reid (White Guy) Officially Endorses Barack Obama (Who Is, at Least in Part, Black) for President" However, I can't do it. It's just not right.

With the above disclaimer out of the way, I need to say one thing. I just don't get this Hillary v. Obama thing that is going on. It is being billed as "experience vs. passion" for the Presidency. Am I forgetting something? I heard one talking head describe Hillary as "the incumbent." Huh? It appears to me that Hillary is a United States Senator. She has been so since 2001. Before that she was First Lady, a title used to officially describe the "hostess of the white house." Before that she was First Lady of The State of Arkansas. She was also a lawyer (although that really doesn't qualify you for much of anything).

Barack Obama, on the other hand, is also a United States Senator. He has been so since 2005. Before that he was an Illinois State Senator from 1997 to 2004. Before that he was a lawyer (also doesn't qualify you for much of anything).

Are people saying that Hillary has "experience" because her husband was President? Is that what that means? Because it looks like Barack has more legislative experience than Hillary. Am I wrong? Am I missing something? Are people going with the "experience vote" based upon this woman's husband doing the job?

I've got to tell you, I've seen a picture of my proctologist's wife. She looks like a really nice lady, and he has been a doctor for 25 years. But there is no way I am letting her stick a finger in my anus.

I know some of you might say, "but Bill will be there as her 'ambassador to the world,'" or whatever. Great, but I still wouldn't let my doctor's wife shove that meaty index finger into the ol' rectum, even if her husband was standing right there applying the lube.

I'm just saying.

Of course, all of this is not to say that she shouldn't be President or anything. What this is to say is that I don't get the characterization, by universally everyone in the world, that she has more experience than Obama?

P.S. Please don't be angry at me for talking about politics. Also, please don't curse me for my political views. . . wait, who am I talking to? I've seen the site stats. I know there is no one left reading this stuff. I know you all jumped ship months ago. So you know what? Screw you. How's that.

P.S.S. I'm sorry I lost my temper. I don't know what came over me. I got upset thinking about how no one comments. That made me think that people would comment if I'd post something good. Which made me realize that I suck at owning a blog. But I'd probably be better if I had some commentary encouragement. So why don't you comment? What, are you too good? You think you are so great that you can't comment? You know what? Screw you.

UPDATE: (I didn't mean it. I was drunk)

29 comments:

fezziwig said...

Hilary would make a bad proctologist. Barack Obama definitely has more of his finger on the prostate of America.

Garrett Reid said...

Fezz: Now if Barack could only figure out how to milk that prostate, we'd all be better off.

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

Interesting blog. No suckage at all.

Garrett Reid said...

Marsha: Was that sarcasm?

non-Blondie said...

I don't comment because all I wanna say is "LOLZOR ROTFLSJBGVDIUBSDMAO 1!!!1!!1!!!!111!" and you specifically say that this blog is not funny, so I don't want to insult all your seriously held beliefs.

Garrett Reid said...

One Non Blonde (1 out of four?): Thanks, although I don't speak computer language so I don't really know what that means. I translated roughly to mean: Look Out Loser(z). .. something. Then I got lost.

TK said...

Christ, what a shitshow this place has turned into.

Garrett Reid said...

TK: You know for a fact that it was always a shit show.

mindy said...

I'm glad that you can finally admit that a career as a laywer isn't worth much. This is a big step for you.

Garrett Reid said...

Mindy: The only thing a law degree prepares you for in life is figuring out how to get people with business degrees to pay you shit tons of money.

dmbmeg said...

this blog is SO funny.

mindy said...

Sometimes we get careless because we have SO MUCH MONEY we don't even know what to do with it all, you know? Yeah, it's difficult to be so stinkin' rich, but we manage.

Garrett Reid said...

DmbMeg: I'll take that as a compliment. Tune in tomorrow when I'm going to post about a dream I had, and next week when I'll write about the best type of lunch meat.

Garrett Reid said...

Mindy: I'm sorry it took me so long to respond to your comment, I was busy getting a foot massage at the club. They use MBAs as foot massagers because so many of them got tired of working as Administrative Assistants. (P.S. I was going to say "foot rubbers" but that sounded like some kind of kinky prophylactic)

Anonymous said...

Garrett, you have to be the funniest guy I know! Your comment section is just as funny as the blog posts themselves! I missed you so much while you were on "hiatus!" Sooooo glad you are back :)

TK said...

1) "Anonymous" is obviously you, Garrett. Pretty pathetic.

2) I love how you post nothing for weeks, then post and obsessively monitor the comments.

Garrett Reid said...

Anon: Thank you so much. I'm happy I made you happy. Please don't mind TK too much. He is a bitter and sad person. However, he listens to Uncle Tupelo so he can't be all bad.

TK: I have a New Year's Resolution that involves posting at least twice a month. I also resolved to finally start reading your blog, so I'm looking forward to that a great deal.

Manny said...

I'm just going to vote for myself. That way, if I lose then I only have myself to blame. If I win, I can take all the credit.

As far as TK's blog goes, you ain't missing much. Yaddah yaddah, The Wire, yaddah yaddah three legged dog, yaddah yaddah conversation with random person. And then something about poop.

Garrett Reid said...

Manny: I actually used to read the TK blog, but stopped weeks ago when he had some love poem to his wife on there. I sort of lost respect at that point.

onthevirg said...

You're obviously taking the same tact with your readers as Tommy Carcetti is taking with his political playmates. Sorry, I got The Wire on the brain I guess.

And you seem awfully determined to have someone jam their finger up your balloon knot.

ex-tex said...

i randomly came across your blog several weeks ago and think its great, just havent commented yet! as far as politics go, i'm right there with you. bc if i went to my boyfriend's lab (he's a chemist) i'm pretty sure i wouldnt be allowed to touch anything. (or even breathe loudly)

The Ex said...

I'm assuming you don't want serious answers to this but Hillary - though I don't support her - does have a lot of experience. She created a universal healthcare plan and lobbied for it heavily through her first term as first lady among other accomplishments.

Garrett Reid said...

Virg: I only opt for qualified professionals shoving things in backdoor.

Ex-Tex: Thanks for saying I'm great. Well you said the blog was great, but I'm assuming you meant me. Since we were off to such a great start, I'm sorry to hear you have a boyfriend.

The Ex: Actually, serious answers are great because it really was a serious post about something that I really think. I have to say though that I disagree that Hillary has more experience than Obama because she championed a failed health care plan. I mean, I can come up with a healthcare plan tomorrow, write it up, and call Senators all day long. It doesn't equate to political experience. Otherwise, we should talk about the dissertation Obama wrote in grad school because it's basically the same thing. Political experience is counted by the number of years you have held in political office. Obama's got more. Now maybe, Hillarycare gives her some great healthcare initiatives that she can take to the White House as President, and maybe they are some grand ideas that she can campaign with. But you can't count a losing lobbying campaign as "experience".

That's just my thought on the matter. Thanks for commenting. Leave another and let me know what you think.

dmbmeg said...

the ex-
you just made garrett's year. He searches the internets far and wide for SOMEONE to take him seriously.

Sadly, that is difficult for me when he IMs me saying how he kicked some "loser" 12 year old kid's ass in Guitar Hero at Best Buy while his poor girlfriend had to sit and watch.

Anonymous said...

Hey Garrett,

Don't you understand that when Bill was President for those eight years, he was just a puppet figurehead, and Hilary was really running the whole blasted country? Kinda like George Bush, except he's a puppet for the evil Dick Cheney.

Why do you think Bill had all that time for extra activities while at work?

Geesh, the good old days... :-)

TFKoP said...

Maybe Barack could be Hillary's proctologist. Or vice versa.

I like Uncle Tupelo. I like turtles.

The Ex said...

Well, now I can't take him seriously either. Jeez.

Alaina said...

I'm stunned. I'm shocked. I'm really really intrigued. By the blog I mean.

About this specific post... seriously... seriously... disturbing. Was a interesting read. I agree with the experience and the lovely parasitologist analogy.

Anonymous said...

Charming idea