Friday, December 08, 2006


As you can tell from the many, many, many comments below, people have missed me and have been begging for me to write. I have been getting, literally, hundreds of e-mails and comments from people asking when I am going to post again. When New York Times reporter, David E. Sanger, texted me saying, “Dude, WTF?” I knew I needed to get off my ass and do something. Well folks, let me just say that “I am sorry.” I have let you down. I know you are disappointed in me, but really you should just get used to the feeling. I let people down all the time. More often that not really. Eight months ago when I asked my friends, family and ex-lovers to use one word to describe me, I most often got “unsatisfactory” (especially in the ex-lover department). I also got “douchebag,” “fuck face,” “tool” and “cunt.” Although I got to point out to my dear sister that “fuck face” is two words, and I had to sternly tell my grandfather I never, ever condone the use of the “C word.”

My sabbatical (by the numbers - as they say in the industry)
17th - the last time I had a post
26th (of September) - the last time I had a post that was any good.
10 - number of days I have taken off work since the 17th.
9 - number of days I spent off work doing nothing but watching daytime TV and porn.
28 (give or take a couple) - number of times I have masturbated since the 17th.
4 - number of times I masturbated looking at Britney’s bald box.
6 - number of pounds I have gained (apparently masturbation does not burn that many calories).
4 - number of large pizzas delivered to my house.
1 - days at work since the return form my vacation that I have spent actually doing work.
5 - number of days at work since the return from my vacation that I looked really busy at work (including today).
4 - number of women I flirted with at the video store/grocery store.
4 - number of women that looked at me like I was Charles Manson when I flirted with them at the video store/grocery store.

There you have it. What I Did with My Time Off . . . by Garrett Reid. (Forward by Garrett Reid).

Here is the deal (my excuse). I took two weeks off of work. The week of Thanksgiving and the following week. I came back to work this week. I didn’t tell you that I was going to be gone, well, because I am lazy and I forgot to. I didn’t blog while I was off work because I am lazy and I was on vacation. About day four I decided I needed to write something. After that much time away I thought I should write something really good and really funny. However, I couldn’t think of anything really good and really funny. So I didn’t write. Time continued to pass and I still kept thinking the post had to be bigger and better since even more time had passed. Then guilt started to set in. I didn’t read my blog e-mail. I didn’t look at site meter. I didn’t really read anyone else’s blogs. All because I felt guilt when I did so.

See how much I love you. I felt as if I was betraying you, and so I turned my back on you. That is true fucking love. I loved you so much that I ignored you. You should appreciate that. You should love me more. You should send me nude photos as a result of how much I love you.

As you can see, I eventually gave up on the idea that this post should be really funny and awesome. I opted instead for - just write a bunch of stuff and tell people they should love you.

Maybe I should try and do better. However, in my defense, naked breast pictures would have really motivated me. So this is really all your fault.


Anonymous said...

You should have stayed away. Your blog really isn't funny.

Garrett Reid said...

Well, okay then. Thanks for taking the time to post an entire comment just to tell me that you don't like the blog on which you are posting a comment. Do you also call political polls just to tell them you are 'undecided'? Have you ever called the American Idol voting number just to tell them the show sucks? I know I often like to drive down to the local zoo to fill out comment cards saying the lion cages smell as if big cats live in them. You should try that - it is a rocking good time to be had by all.

Anonymous said...

I find that when I have nothing to say (which is nearly all of the time), posting a list of the google searches people use who end up at your blog always produces a laugh or two.

Kristin said...

Garrett... just don't do it again.

Anonymous said...

Ya know...this is the 2nd blog I've read that has tried talking me into sending pics of my boobs...
You should definately read Derek's blog. Good stuff.

Garrett Reid said...

Sadie - Good suggestion, except no one really finds my blog. 99.4% of my traffic now comes from people looking for midget penis.

Kristin - It will never happen again, I promise. Disclaimer: It may happen again, from time to time.

Jess: I am not really sure why I even tried. I've said something about it before and it didn't work. It didn't work this time. I've read his blog before. It is good stuff. Maybe I need to take some lessons.

Anonymous said...

i was actually crying myself to sleep at night waiting for your return

Garrett Reid said...

Dmbmeg - How kind of you to lose sleep over me. Most women that cry themselves to sleep as a result of me do so because of self-loathing and disgust over what has just occurred.

Anonymous said...

ooo - what a fab holiday! Thats exactly what I do; oprah, me, big cats from the zoo, masturbation...heaven.

im still angry at u for forgetting to blog, so much so, I have forwarded 4 nude pictures. Terribly, terribly angry and disappointed at you. Ok, sending 5 nudies now.

Anne said...

Im going to need you to forward those naked pics of Joie to me please.

Glad you are back!

Garrett Reid said...

Joie: It wasn't really a holiday. It was more of a vacation (that was a little joke). I think I could probably marry you. If you get naked every time you are angry and disappointed, you are perfect for me. Although, I didn't get any pictures e-mailed to me. I think you should send six now to make up for that cruel joke.

Anne: Like most women I know, Joie was just teasing me. Cruelly taunting me, if you will. Promising some hot action, and then passing out in my bed before I even had a chance to get my socks off. You know how it goes: Half-way to second base when she sobers up and thinks twice. Such is life.

Anonymous said...

It was your socks that made me pass out.