Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Just So You Know. . .

It is quite possible that there is not one single person on the entire planet more masculine than me. Well, it is possible that a half-shaven soldier standing in a desert in Iraq, holding an automatic weapon, smoking a cigarette is a little more manly. Also, a fireman, that just saved an entire family from a burning building, and responds to the frantic mother, "I'm just doing my job ma'am." That guy, I can't compete. The cowboy who spent all day ranching (or whatever modern-day cowboys do) and comes in for the night telling how he just helped birth a calf. That guy is a bad-ass. Whatever, you get the point. I am more manly than most, and for one reason. Allow me to elaborate:

Last night I went to get a beer. I have a second refrigerator in my garage. It is not one of those puny, dorm room sized, refrigerators. It is a regular, big ass, refrigerator. In the freezer, I keep only ice, chilled beer mugs, and liquor. In the regular refrigerator part I keep beer. I have every different kind I like. So, I went to get a beer about 7:30 pm. (I'm telling you the time to give you a sense of mood and setting - I am a great story teller - what can I say) I got a Corona out, and reached for the bottle cap opener that I keep on top of the fridge. It had somehow gone missing.

I want you all to know that a lesser man would have panicked in such a situation. However, I kept my cool. I went to my make-shift tool bench and pulled out a pair of needle nose pliers. I grabbed hold of that bottle cap, and ripped it from the bottle with a pair of pliers. At that moment I became a complete man. I found the bottle opener this morning, but think I am going to keep opening my beer bottles with the pliers. Now, all I have to do is get a girl to observe the opening, and I'll be set. Because that is the kind of thing that turns women on - beer and tools.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

It would have been hotter if you used your teeth.

Garrett Reid said...

I know a former football player that opens twist cap bottles with his forearm. I tried once, and cried.

Anonymous said...

My ex pops the caps off with his ring. Actually...it's kind of disturbing if not destructive...don't try it.

Anonymous said...

makeshift work bench= lighted makeup mirror

needle-nosed pliers= tweezers for executing perfectly arched eyebrows

corona= arbor mist

isn't it time you stopped lying to your loyal readers, let alone yourself?

Garrett Reid said...

Jess: The very fact that I would be wearing a ring would make me less masculine, so I can't try that one.

Love and Fight - You're a funny one. Ha! (as they say). Two things: I don't need tweezers because my eyebrows naturally grow in a perfect arch and always look impeccably groomed. Second: I don't drink Arbor Mist because it is made in New York. New York's largest city, New York City, just banned trans fat. The banning of trans fat is fascist. I can't support a wine/fruit drink that is made in a state with a fascist city as its largest city. So I drink Corona from time to time. You should look into that trans fat thing.

Kristin said...

You need to be wearing a wife-beater and have a greasy bandana hanging out of your back pocket and like Meg said, use your teeth... ;-)

srchngformystry said...

i love tools.

Anonymous said...

The tool was drinking the beer?

You are so self indulgent slash posh; a whole mothersized fridge in the garage just for beer or beer glasses. tres exotic

Anonymous said...

real men use their ass cheeks.

Murph said...

I just stare down the beer until it opens itself

blog Portland said...

I hear Jesus used to open wine bottles with his eye sockets. Sort of like Nick Nolte.

TK said...

I have learned that with the proper technique, one can open a bottle with almost anything - lighters, butter knives, counter tops.

One can also cut themselves horribly learning these techniques. Something else I learned.

texasgirl said...

I like beer and tools. You are so turning me on right now and no, I am not sending pictures of my boobs to you. Well, maybe if you keep talking about beer and tools.

Anne said...

What do we have to do to get you to post again? huh?

(I dont know why I ask..you are just going to say you want boob shots)

I could use some not-so-funny right now.