Friday, November 17, 2006

Welcome Freaky Porn People!

If you have found my blog because of a search for “midget penis” or “porn” or “midget porn” or “ass peeing pics” or “porn vagina” or “Kristi Yamaguchi” - Welcome! It is great to have you. My blog hits have doubled the last few days because of a certain post I wrote regarding midgets and their penises. If you are here because you are looking for pictures of pornography, midgets, vaginas, or Yamaguchi’s then you might be slightly disappointed at first. However, I want you to know that you can stay if you like, take a look around, read some stupid thing I wrote and then tell me about your life in a very detailed e-mail.

Seriously, within 15 minutes of posting the midget penis post the hits started coming. What is up with that? They just kept flooding in by the twos and threes. I appreciate that there are many people out there looking for porn on their home computer so they can easily masturbate to the fetish of their choice, but I don’t really understand whey they would actually click on my blog. My suspicion is that there is a guy out there looking for some hot “ass peeing pics” (whatever that may be), and is sitting as his bedroom computer, boxers around ankles, lube at the ready. He begins his search for “ass peeing pics” and then sees This Blog is Not Funny. “Hmm,” he says to himself, “very interesting.” He clicks on in and starts reading about the stupid drivel I write about. He quickly realizes this is not the blog of an "ass pee-er" and goes someplace else.

One more thing, If you are the 15-20 people who have clicked here by searching Blogger for “porn” you need to narrow your search, my friend. Who searches the internets for “porn?” Isn’t that a little generic. What kind of porn? Lesbian porn? Gay porn? Bondage porn? Monkey porn? American-Indian Transvestite Porn? You need some specifics, buddy.

I’ve written “porn” so many times now it is starting to not look like a word. Porn. Porn. IS it a real word? Porn. Hmm. Very interesting.

I promise I will try and write about something better later. I suck, I know. God help me. How about this, everyone that is reading this - e-mail me and tell me about yourself. Not in the “where you work” and “whether you leave your bedroom blinds slightly open,” but more like in the “I like bunny rabbits and singing in the shower” way. We’ll converse. I’ll write something embarrassing about myself, you’ll tell me it is “okay” and not to be embarrassed. We’ll bond. We’ll become life long pen pals that never meet, until one cold day in autumn when you will find me outside your Upper West Side apartment with some flowers and my Golden Retriever at my side. You’ll say “I wanted it to you be you,” and I’ll say “Don't cry, Shopgirl. Don't cry.” Then we’ll walk through the park, happily whistling “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.”

Is there anyone out there NOT creeped out right now?

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Don't call me "Shopgirl", it makes me feel cheap.

Kristin said...

Will you email ding at you and say "You've got mail!" a la AOL?

Anonymous said...

i get a lot of googles from the Middle East. They like "sexy blogs" over there. It's a little scary how many freaks we invite into our world when we have blogs. Oh well.

Anonymous said...

Bring porn instead of a golden retriever and youre in...now heading straight to archives to find midget ass-peeing (wtf?!)porn. dont disappointment me.

Anonymous said...

btw - googling monkey porn does not deliver the specific results you imply ... http://www.boingboing.net/2005/02/02/monkey_porn.html 5 articles on this is all. bummer.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

The only people who visit my blog are ones looking for Lindsay Lohan's vagina.

Anne said...

Im a little bit disturbed. Last night during my regularly scheduled "alone time" I was interrupted by a brief but highly disturbing image of a ass-peeing midget.

Thanks alot.

I mean..I recovered and continued..but it caused a momentary panic.

Anonymous said...

are you dead? or shopping for my christmas gift?


*snort*

Anne said...

Seriously..you tease us..get us a little hooked and then DISAPEAR? WTF?

Garrett Reid said...

Ryan: I did not mean to cheapen you in anyway. I should have known better. Please correct it to read: "Shop Woman." Terrible of me.

Kristin: My secretary has Tom Hanks voice saying "You've Got Mail!" every time she gets an e-mail. She has had it since I've worked for the company, and I've heard it so many times I want to stab my ears with Number 2 pencils when I hear it.

dmbmeg: I get some of those as well. I have a fear that the people of countries like Bahrain think that I am representative of America. In reality, I only represent the good looking, hilarious, smart part of America. They should know this about my blog.

Joie: Did you find a lot when Googling "ass peeing?" In response to your comment, I was going to make a terrible joke about Golden Retriever Porn, but that was too bad even for me. Golden Retrievers are innocent little creatures and don't deserve to be degraded by the likes of me.

L & F - that is how I first found your blog. Who would have ever thought all those many months ago that my love of Lindsay's vagina would have brought us to where we are today?

Anne - That would be disturbing. I am glad you were able to recover. However, I should point out that you were thinking of midget ass peeing during your alone time, which means you were thinking of something I wrote, which means you were thinking of my blog, which means you were thinking of me during your alone time. I am so flattered. Thank you!

That Girl - Now wouldn't you have felt bad if I really were dead? As for Christmas gifts, I have decided that I will either donate money on your behalf to the Human Fund, or send lewd pictures of myself via the e-mail. I'll let you decide.

Anne 2d - That was my evil plan all along.

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