Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Huge F-ing Dilemma

I’ve got a big-time dilemma on my hands here, and what would a blog be without seeking advice from readers. Just so you can stay up on the game, here is the format we’ll follow. First, I will give a little bit of background story to set the stage and illustrate the mood and feel of the story. Second, I will hit you with the big scenario which lead to the big-time dilemma. (Should “big-time” be hyphenated? I don’t know but I bet Lover and Fighter will tell me!) Then I will present the dilemma to you and pose a question regarding said dilemma. Finally, I will close the post with further witty observations, more questions, and general confusion. All of this will be highlighted with a consistent lack of cognizable writing style and punctuated by a general lack of skill. On second thought, maybe I should not have revealed the secret code. All I need is tens of hundreds of copy cat bloggers out there seeking to capitalize on my success. Well, what’s done is done. Here we go:

Last week I invited my friend Jason over to my place to have some drinks (*editor’s note: please take notice that Jason is not his real name, but his name does begin with a ‘J’ - just because I’m creative like that). This invitation went down like this:

1. I replied to an e-mail Jason had sent with a “if you want, drop by Friday night we’ll have some beer and shoot pool.”

2. Jason replied, “Sounds good. Let me check with Susan to make sure we are not doing anything.”

Okay, allow me interject here. This is not what this post it about, and it really has nothing to do with anything, but let me offer some advice to others out there. When you tell a friend that you have to check with your wife or girlfriend before you do something it makes you look like a pussy. That’s just the truth. I understand completely that you have to check. Everyone in the known western world has to check with their significant other before making plans on a Friday night. But for God’s sake just lie about it. Say anything but that. If he had told me he has to cancel his scrotum wax I would have had more respect for him. He could have said he needed to move his pedicure appointment and he would have looked less pussyish. Just some friendly advice on how to not look like a completely whipped slave to the vagina - from your neighborhood blogger.

Back to the invitation:

3. Jason replies two days later with, “Is it cool with you if Susan comes?” Whatever. There is nothing more I can add to the point of how sad he is. I’m fine with it. Bring as many people as you want, I don’t care. I reply, “sure.”

4. Jason replies three hours later with, “Susan wants to know if her best friend, Jamie, can come with us.”

5. What the fuck? I thought this was two guys getting together and drinking, watching some football, and shooting some pool. However, I am a smart MF, and I know that I cannot say, “dude, I thought it was going to just be the two of us. Now I am hurt and confused by your lack of consideration.” So instead I say, “Great, sounds good.”

Now, here is where things get weird. Friday afternoon Jason comes to my desk and says, sort of sheepishly, “Susan wanted me to tell you to make sure you have trash bags in your bathroom trash cans.”

I stare at him blankly for several seconds, and he begins to explain. He tells me that he didn’t want to bring it up, but Susan told him he had to tell me. He tells me that it is not Susan or he that wants the trash bags, but he is concerned about Jamie. I say, “Jamie wants trash bags?” He then tells me that Susan does this every time Jamie comes over because - and here it is - she doesn’t flush toilet paper.

I lean back in my chair.

I put my hands behind my head.

We stare at each other for seconds.

“What do you mean,” I ask. “What does she do with it?”

“She puts it in the trash can.”

“She puts it in the trash can?”

“She puts it in the trash can.”

He tells me that Jamie has done this since Susan has known her, and that Jaime never flushes. She just wads her toilet paper and places it in the trash can.

I ask, “Wait, are you telling me that she does this when she takes a shit?”


I am disgusted. Taken aback. Shocked. Who does this? How can this be?

As soon as I got home I went into the bathroom and put a trash bag in the trash can. So Friday night comes, and Jamie, Susan and Jason come over. We drink until all hours of the night. We have a great time. We shoot pool. We do some X and have an orgy. (Well not that last part). I have forgotten about the weird toilet paper thing. Jamie, Susan and Jason leave. The next morning, horror ensues.

I went to the guest bathroom. There, sitting on top of the lined trash can was a piece of wadded toilet paper with some shit, wiped directly from Jamie’s ass, peaking from the inside of the wad. Of course, I disposed of this while wearing rubber gloves.

I need your help with this one. What should I make of this? Is this normal behavior? Do other people do this? Have you ever met anyone else that does this? Have you ever heard a similar story? What the fuck?

As a side note - does a normal person go to another’s house for the evening and take a shit? I know women are all weird and different, but do you take shits wherever you go? Just because you are sitting down doesn’t mean you have to drop some kids off at the pool does it? Do you just sit down and think, “oopsy, I have a little poo, better get that out of there.” Because, let me tell you, I don’t shit anywhere but home and my favorite stall at work. There are some exceptions of course, but drinking at a friend’s house is not one of them.

The bad part is, they said they wanted to do this again soon. Do I say something? I don’t want to dispose of shitty toilet paper again. I am in fear.

Things you may want to know to answer these questions: 1) Jamie is a country girl, but moved to New York City at 19 and lived there for 6 years. 2) Jamie appears normal in every respect. 3) Jason tells me that she does this even when there is not a trash bag. 4) I asked around at work, and no one has heard of such a thing. But, then again, I only asked two guys and both wanted to know if she was hot and single, and why I didn’t “hit that.”

So there you have it. Comment please.


Kristin said...

Having been to Greece where the sewer system is less than an ideal and shit-tickets will actually break the sewer system and even in restaurants/public places, you don't flush the TP.. we had similar issues with our septic system when I was a kid (rural farm with a well).. so maybe she just has an old habit she isn't aware isn't socially cool?

But as to your dilemma - I'd find some kitchy cutsey cross stitch to put up in the can when she comes over that alludes to the acceptability of flushing...or find a way to play drunk truth or dare and ask her why.

BTW, Garrett, you did it again. I warned you ;-)

Anonymous said...

What do you think she would do if you removed the trash can from the bathroom. Wouldn't she then be forced to flush her paper? At the very least, it could be an amusing game of hide and seek...

texasgirl said...

Having come from the land of putting TP in the toilet to be flused to the land of TP is not allowed in the toilet for any reason, I felt like I'm more than qualified to answer this post. I now live in the country where we are supported by a septic system. The septic sysetem gets full to quickly if you put TP down the toilet, so we are not allowed to flush it. We have a trash can sitting beside the toilet that has a lid so as to not offend people. Perhaps your friend had the same problem growing up as a child and some habits are harder to break than others. Hope this helps.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

1) Big time does not need to be hyphenated, but if you want I can show you a few typos in there.

2) I'll third the whole "maybe she came from another country" part, but I'm on your side here, friend. She certainly wasn't continuously pressured to put TP in the trash can in NY. And frankly, that is something that you should pick up on faster than she apparently is.

3) Luckily, I have a solution for you.

You're welcome.

dmbmeg said...

i thought this was going to be about how all guy's trash cans are nasty and that the reason you have to put a trash bag in them is so the women don't have to look at the inside of your garbage can. at no point in my reading did i think this story would end up wear it did. i am digusted and horrified, but still intrigued.

normal girl's don's shit in strange peoples' bathrooms. especially guys bathrooms. and they flush their fucking toilet paper!

that girl said...

wow. I'm ill and disgusted.

man, no sane girl even GOES into a dude's bathroom. we all know you're a bunch of pigs who don't mind rolling in your own filth.

but then, she doesn't seem like the brightest bulb does she?

I've never even heard of such an issue as not flushing your tp. via la suburban life. it just sounds like roughing it to me.

tell your man, he has to ditch the friend or it's a no go. I mean, I know you're all about the penis and making it happy...but come on. draw the line!!

your stalker, tg

TK said...

Well. That was... um... nauseating. That is one freaky girl. And I ain't buying this whole "she's foreign" or "she's country" crap. I think she's just weird. I confess, I'm curious to know what would happen if you simply removed your trash can. Would she flush them? Or would you find TP in your shower? I'd experiment with that. That, or put a bear trap in the trash can.

And yes, I can beat this. Those with weak hearts, skip this part. I once threw a party when I was young and interesting. The next morning, while taking the trash out, I found... in my bathroom trashcan... a feminine hygiene product... literally soaked in blood. I almost threw up. Fuck, I almost just moved out.

Everyone who read that... I'm really sorry. But the man did ask.

Garrett Reid said...

Kristin: I know it is not another country thing - because I know she has never lived in another country. Where I live is far from rural - but I am thinking (after reading all of the comments) that her deal must be the rural septic thing, because I know she lived on a farm. By the way, did you suggest that I put a 'kitschy cutesy cross stitch thing' in my house? I know we don't know each other well, but I hope I come across as not flamingly gay - not that there is anything wrong with that.

Anon - Don't be shy - go ahead and leave a name, I won't stalk you. I promise. After reading your comment, that is what I am going to do. I am scared about what may happen, but it is the way to go I think.

Texas Girl - Thanks for the comment. So this is something you have to do for maintenance reasons? I am intrigued. My mother grew up on a farm way back in the day - actual cotton picking, chicken raising farm - and she said they never did this. Doesn't shit dried on to toilet paper start to stink pretty quickly?

L&F - Thank you so much for the advice. I have no doubt in my mind you could find hundreds of critiques with my writing. However, I try not to be a slave to rules and convention. I want to be more of a free thinker - so I don't let things like grammar tie me down. Think of me as the E. E. Cummings of the blogging world. Sorry you can't be like me. I agree about the NYC thing - she should have learned a thing or two about how to take a shit in NYC. She lives with a roommate now - doesn't anyone tell her about these things? Also, I am going to get me one of those biffys. I want an unbiased opinion first. Will you get one and let me know how your ass feels after. Feel free to describe your ass in detail.

More comment responses later. I need a snack.

Kristin said...

Garrett - I wasn't suggesting you leave it up for keeps, really ;-) Just put it up when she comes over. Then again, perhaps public place meetings might be the best idea because I -know- you'll be obsessing about it every time she leaves the room.

texasgirl said...

Yes, it does. This is why we make sure that we take the trash out every single day. It totally sucks. Also, I have to say that when I'm somewhere that I can flush the TP down, I go for it. When your not allowed flush and then you can, you take advantage of it. That's what I can't figure out about this girl. Why in the hell didn't she take advantage of her situation and just go for it. She's wasting golden opportunities if you ask me.

Garrett Reid said...

Dmbmeg: Why do you assume that all guy's trash cans are nasty? What do guys have to put in their bathroom trash cans that could be so nasty? My bathroom trash cans remain empty most of the time. I don't even want to think about the girl-stuff that could go into a trash can. ew.

That Girl: "we all know you're a bunch of pigs who don't mind rolling in your own filth" What is it with the man-bashing here today? My God, that is a little harsh. I mean, I know I have filth from time to time, but I don't like to roll in it. Are there some homoerotic overtones to your comment? I am confused as to whose penis you are talking about being made happy. If it is my penis - I love for it to be happy. If it is other people's penises - then I don't really care if they are happy. Thanks for stalking, by the way. You rock.

TK: I am going to try removing the trash can and seeing what happens. I think it is a good experiment. I'll do a little update here and let everyone know what happened, when it does. And also, that story made me sick to my stomach. All these women talking about how dirty men are, and I have a story about toilet paper shit and you have a story about vagina blood, in trash cans. Seriously nauseated. Thanks.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

I'm sorry if my typo comment sounded bitchy. I am bitchy, but not about that. I was mostly just pointing out my OWN neurosis.

And the biffy I have is great so far, but I haven't tried it in the bathroom.

Mine is in my bed.

I'd like a snack too, if you're up.

Joie de Vivre said...

so, why didnt you hit that? oh, um, i get it.

That is just wrong. Surely someone has told her this is not normal and beyond gross and unhygenic and out and out crazy!?

Don't have her over again (without putting a camera in and then u can post her um 'posting' her poo in ur bin.) unless you do want to hit it.

I dont tend to number 2 anywhere other than home, but sometimes u cant help it. But, it doesnt really matter whether its number 1 or 2 - flush the fucken paper down the loo!!!

there is a little poem we have when visiting septic tank folk:
if its yellow, keep it mellow,
if its brown, flush it down.

Joie de Vivre said...

oh, and tampons covered in blood are no way gross in comparison to toilet paper lady. No comparison, we definately can't flush them, but we hopefully do wrap them up in loo roll well enough to not be easily identfied later. Jeesh, why do boys still get freaked out by menstruation... you bleed too you know! Its not like its shit!

I'm still incredulous that Susan and Jason would even invite her to other peop's houses!!

TK said...

joie de vivre... it wasn't a tampon, it was a pad. And it is FAR grosser. I really don't think I'm conveying the full picture, but since I love you fair readers, I will go no further. Meg - is it further or farther?

Garrett Reid said...

Kristin: Whereabouts would I even find a kitschy cutesy cross stitch thing to convey such a message?

Texas Girl: That is also what I cannot figure out. Surely she has not gone all of these years thinking that everyone does the same as her? Is that even possible? Maybe I should write a little guide book and leave it in the bathroom: "Pooping for Dummies" - maybe? “The Dos and Don’ts of Pooping - A Hands-on Guide” - possibly.

L & F: If you have the means to have a Bidet in your bed for potentially prurient possibilities - then the Biffy is the way to go. I don't think you are bitchy at all. Neurotic? Of course. But not bitchy.

Joie: Nice poem. Under normal circumstances I could contemplate hitting it - but not so much in this case. I have to disagree though, visible vagina blood is equally bad - if not worse. It makes me hurt to think of it.

Anne said...

First of all..its totally odd that she would poo at someones house. I mean..I dont do that. I do that at home..or if necessary at work on the deserted 2nd floor bathroom. I would have to be ill to do that in some guys bathroom.

I do agree that she must be from a septic tank area. I remember one time I got yelled at by my friends dad because I flushed toilet paper. (I use a lot of tp..Im a hand roller)

Anyway..that whole mess about the pons and pads..thats just disgusting. I mean..really really gross. I cant even think about it.

Joie de Vivre said...

i just want to bleed on you all to prove its not as bad as pooing on you, ya know, anything to prove a point.

TK said...

Joie... whatever gets your motor runnin', kiddo. It's a little freaky, but I try not to judge.

Punky said...

Well, I am from the so called "country" 350 people and counting and have never once trashed my tp...although my neighbour did have the sign "it it's pee let it be" not to waste water while flushing.

I fully support removing the trash can from the bathroom and see what happens. Invite them over quick so we can see what happens!

Anne said...

So I brought up your dilema at lunch yesterday. The guys thought that you should never invite this nasty chick back to your place again. One of them said that he would have a hard time looking a girl in the eye after he knew the color palette of her poop.

Mr. Husbland said...

I think the bigger question is, "Why is she shitting at your house?"

Please. Hold it. For the love of God.

Parts of Mexico here you cannot flush TP either. It's more common than you think.

I like the guy who said to remove the trash from the room.

Kristin said...

Garrett, get JDV to cross stitch her little poem for you. :-) The whole septic system/well water conservation thing (we were on septic and a well) sounds most plausible to me btw.. I haven't talked about your dilemma because I'm afraid to admit I know someone that has this kind of dilemma. :-)

Garrett Reid said...

Anne: I agree about the only doing it at home thing. There are very limited circumstances of when it is okay to poo at someone else's home.

Joie: Are you trying to make me sick? I cannot decide if I would rather a woman poo on me or bleed from her vagina on me. Both seem, well, very very nasty.

Punky: Thanks for the comment. I have suggested more drinking next weekend. We'll see if it happens. I plan on removing the trash can all together and forcing her to flush. And by the way - I think that neighbor's sign was from that Beatles song: If its pee, let it be, let it be, let it be. whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

Anne 2d: I'm glad more people than just me think this is crazy. I am having a bit of a hard time with how to speak normally to her now. Fortunately, she is not my friend. Just a friend of a friend. However, I am willing to take chances to see what happens to second time.

Husbland: I fully expect that kind of thing in Mexico. They also have liquor with worms in it, and prostitutes that don't shave their vaginas.(or so I have heard).

Kristin: I wouldn't tell anyone either if I were you. Most of my stories (even ones that involve me) begin with - so some idiot on the internet was telling a story about a girl pooping at his house. . .