Monday, March 05, 2007

I May Have Messed Up.

What I am about to tell you will shock you. You should prepare yourself accordingly. If you are at work, make sure you muffle your impending audible gasp. If you are at home, please clear beverages away from the computer area so that you don’t knock them over when you raise your hand to your mouth like they do in movies when someone is shocked. If you are neither at home nor at work, and you are sitting at a Starbucks having a Chai Tea Latte, or on a park bench watching little birdies while you browse your way across the internets - well then fuck you. You heard me, fuck you. The rest of us have to work for a living and you are probably some guy who is living off of the royalties you inherited when you grandfather created The Gong show or some similarly stupid thing. However, if you are actually just off work today from your job in aerospace engineering, and you decided to grab a Chai Tea or stroll in the park, my sincerest apologies for saying “fuck you.”

So back to the shocking news. This weekend I went on a date. It was actually date 2 and a half with this girl. The first half-date involved me crashing at her apartment at 3:30 in the morning after a night of heavy drinking. She is a friend of a friend and we met when my friend brought her along to a night out. I have been trying to think of the best way to describe her for you. When I described her to some friends this weekend I called her Alterna-Girl. Her hair is an unnatural shade of red. She has many, many piercings in strange and phenomenal places, and she works at a tattoo parlor/piercing place/book store. You know when you are walking down the street and you see a girl whom you immediately know would be into some strange semi-illegal sexual practices. This is her. Basically, she is a hipster.

Like I said we have been on 2 and a half dates. The first half-date involved a drunken, sloppy tryst on her couch in the early morning hours two weeks ago. I called her the following Monday and suggested that we actually go on a date where we could interact and talk and such. We went for Thai food and a movie. Mistake number one was assuming that an Alterna-girl would be interested in such a date. It did not go well. No groping action followed. Profound disappoint abounded. I made a conscious note that if I wished to see more of that little cross tattoo on her hip I would have to change things up a bit. Well, a big change happened.

On Saturday night we were supposed to go out again. This time she asked if I wanted to go see a band in which her friend was playing. We met late and drank heavily again (always a good sign). We moved bars to where her friend was playing. We watched a few songs then went outside for a smoke. She, once again, expressed boredom. I suggested that we go to my house and drink some more. She seemed excited about that idea (and why wouldn’t she?).

We left her car and took mine. On the way there, she said she wanted to stop by her work to see if someone left some thing for her. We went in together, where I started talking to the tattoo guy.
Scenes from the next twenty minutes:

Me: I’ve always thought about getting a tattoo.

Her: (jumping up and down, giddy with excitement) Please get one it will be so cool!

Tattoo guy: Because you came in with her, I’ll do it for half price.

Her: (after I told her there was no way I was getting tattooed - her with pouty bottom lip and everything) I was really hoping you would do it.

Me: (Trying to keep her excited - but without needles entering my body) I don’t even know what I would get - I should think about it and come back next weekend.

Her: (Seeming a little turned on) Lets look through the book and find something really hot.

So people, (as your surmised) I am now the proud owner of a huge fucking tattoo of a weirdly-designed sun on my left shoulder blade. It is big and black and it hurt like a mother fucker.

This officially goes down as the most I have ever done to have sex with a girl. I am modest, so I won’t talk about any details. However, let me just say that it totally worked. She was a ferocious sexual beast that could not get enough of me, and it was one the Top 5s of sexual experiences of my life. We did things in ways that I previously thought not possible. You know that scene in Zoolander where they all have peyote-induced sex. It was like that - only with Southern Comfort instead of peyote. My dog actually barked because she thought someone was being murdered by the amount of screaming. I don’t want to talk about it though. I’m too much of a gentlemen for that.

The worst part is I don’t think I am going to see her anymore. She has a weird sexual thing she did that freaked me out a bit. So yeah, I got a tattoo for a girl I was on a second and a half date with, that I am no longer going to see. I’m a fucking winner. Big time.

For those of you that know me in real life: This story is totally made up. I didn’t have sex with Alterna-girl. There is no need to feel weird around me now. All of this story is fake. Please don’t tell Alterna-girl about this blog. I am a little scared of her, and I don’t want her to know I told everyone in the world what occurred. Not that anything occurred since this is all made up. So there.


New Texan said...

HA! I totally bought it and was composing my "how fucking desperate are you to get a tattoo for a one-nighter" comment in my head...

Nice work... you totally sold it.

Anne said...

Okay. I have to know what weird thing she did that ruined it. (that was real right?)

I have to know. I HAVE TO KNOW. I have to know if this is something that I do..or something that I might want to do..or something that repulses me.

Plus this way I will know what not to do whenever we hook up.

Anne said...

Did I really say that last part? Hmm..I thought that was just in my head. Whoops.

you'dneverguess said...

Not a loser at all. I think it's rad you got tattooed, and what a great story for your first one. I'm sure guys have done a lot worse things for sex. Plus, if it made it to your top 5 then it's gotta be worth it. Except for the weird sex thing - did she pee on you?

dmbmeg said...

admit it. the only girl you spoke to this weekend was Rosie Palm.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

So do you really have a dog, or not?

Winter said...

I have to know.

I'll give you five dollars.

srchngformystry said...

i wouldve had sex with you just for even saying that you MIGHT get one next weekend.

cause i find you sexy.

but my modesty prevents me from talking more about it.

im with anne...i need to know what she did, but unlike winter, i cannot pay you for that priviledged information.

Kristin said...

Ya know.. the fact that you had 2 1/2 dates and didn't tell us about the 1/2 date is what I'm shocked about. Us, your biggest fans, your true friends... you failed us, Garrett..

The rest of it, totally believable. The fact that you won't see her again because she got her freak on, however, is not.

I think you owe us an apology for keeping us in the dark for the past 2 weeks.

littlewhiteliar said...

I almost got a tattoo on vacation to impress my best friends, girls who already love me and who I will never ever sleep with. Also because I have little to no self control. I win. Or I lose, as it were.

stephen said...

That goth girl sounds so hot it makes me jealous, but I know what the problem is and you just won't admit it. You gave it away by the fact that you had a drunken something or other at three in the morning....

She shits and then throws her toilet paper in the garbage can instead of flushing it doesn't she?

Admit it!! You fucked a literal Garbage Pail Kid...

(she still sounds hot with all her piercings and what not, though)

Garrett Reid said...

New Texan: Yeah. Sorry about the confusion, but you may be able to bring that "how fucking desperate" comment back out because, apparently, more of the story seems to be true than I may have previously let on. L & F pointed out to me in a very pleasant message that I made no sense, was confusing everyone by my disclaimer at the end and that, "for the last time [she] will not perform a dramatic reading of Macbeth for me in [her] underpanties." So I am trying to clear things up in the comments here and in the next few posts.

Anne: She actually did something very weird (maybe not so much weird as startling and shocking). I wish it were some kinky fetish type thing - because I would actually be in to that (it doesn't matter what kinky fetish type thing I am into all of them). And don't worry, when we hook it up you can do whatever your little heart desires.

Anne 2d - I've been telling you for a while to let out your secret feelings for me.

Anne said... dont understand! I HAVE TO KNOW. (please?)

Email me if you are too much of a punk to blog it.

Garrett Reid said...

you'dneverguess: I think it is rad that you use the word rad. And she didn't pee on me. I would have been semi-okay with that.

Dmbmeg: If by Rosie Palm you are referring to pleasuring myself, then yes, I talked to her 12 times last weekend.

A Lover and a Fighter: Okay, I covered this one with the next post. We cool?

Winter: Five dollars? Tempting. Very tempting. It is not every day sexy women offer me money. In fact, I am not sure it has ever happened.

srchngformystry: Thanks for saying you find me sexy. It is probably just my raw masculinity and sexuality to which you are attracted. Unfortunately the sexuality part passes after 2-3 minutes. If you can't offer money - I am entertaining other offers.

Kristin: I am sorry to everyone. I do feel bad about that. I didn't want to say anything earlier because I was not sure if the first half date would turn into a date and a half, and then I just didn't get around to it before it turned into two and a half. I feel bad. If I wrote about every date I go on then, well . . . okay, I have done that now - but I am sure there may possible be a lot more in the future.

littlewhiteliar: Tattoos on vacation are never a good idea. That is how people end up with tattoos featuring Wile E. Coyote.

Stephen: She is hot. AlternaGirls are 40% hotter because of the extra alternativeness. If only she had a piercing down below. If that had been the case, I don't think I would writing this right now - because she would be here right now. (weird sex and all).

Anne 3d: Okay my dear Anne. Because you begged I will tell you. But don't tell anyone else. At the point of (what I hope and assume was) orgasm, she froze. Her body went totally rigid with her back arched, her head back, her eyes closed - frozen like she was being electrocuted and none of her muscles would work. However, that is not what freaked me out the most. A few seconds after the freezing she slapped the holy shit out of my back. Then my arm. Then my chest. She basically slapped me as hard as she could. Shortly after the slapping I had a big red hand print on my chest. She offered no explanation for the slapping, and when I asked about it - she said, "did that hurt?" So between the electrocution and slapping I don't think I will be able to concentrate on the task at hand in the future.

Joie de Vivre said...

man, i thought only 18 year olds got tatts to get laid. you're special.

i totally thought the 'thing' was a pooey loo paper thang in the bin, again. i cant believe its only a little slapping you are getting bothered over. (did she hit the tattoo, cos that really would be just too kinky)

Anonymous said...

Чего и следовало предвидеть, написавший удачно накропал! [url=]ремонт квартир видео[/url]