Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Disturbing Things

Yesterday I went down to the break room on my floor. There were a couple of girls (women) down there talking over some juice and a pastry. I grabbed a Krispy Kreme, poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down with them. One of the girls (women), I know fairly well. She has been working here for about 8 months and she has joined our group several times for drinks after work. I talk to her in the break room quite a bit because we seem to refill our coffees at about the same time. I’ll call this girl Lisa.

Lisa has been married for about a year, and I get the impression from speaking with her on several occasions that her and her husband have a tumultuous relationship. Lisa is 25 years old. She has no children, and if there is one important thing that you should know it is that Lisa is kind of hot. There is a 95% chance that I will think of having sex with her within a 24 hour period. This is not to say, of course, that I will actually have sex with her, but I will damn sure think about it. For those ladies reading this blog, this is something you should know: If you are hot, all men you come into contact with on a regular basis will think about having sex with you. Most likely (and I don’t mean to scare you here) they will do so while pleasuring themselves. In addition, if you are hot, and the man knows you, he will probably be fantasizing about you doing all kinds of nasty, fairly degrading things. I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you these things, but this is just the way life works. Men get bored when they pleasure themselves (most likely because they have been doing it every day since they were 12) and they have to think about something new and exiting. I mean, how many times can you go back to the memory of the time your eighth grade civics teacher let you touch her left boob behind the History and Geography section in the library? I mean, it was a great memory and Mrs. Barnes had a nice rack, but you have to move on at some point.

Let us say you just happen to be the hot girl that buys coffee from a guy every morning on your way to work. Unbeknownst to you, you are now a full fledged participant in an elaborate scenario involving you telling that guy you "must have him right here, right now," on the just-delivered copies of the Dallas Morning News. I would venture a guess that if you are smoking-fucking-hot you have been a participant in no less than 120-145 masturbatory fantasies by the time you are 30. If you work in a place with a great deal of co-workers (50 or more), this number jumps to 250 to 425, give or take. Chances are, even if you don’t think you are hot, there is still somebody out there whacking it to the thought of you tying him up with his own necktie and forcing him to lick the bottom of your red pumps. I’m just saying.

Anyway - sorry for that tangent. What was I saying? Oh yeah, Lisa is hot. She is married. Her husband is a very big fireman. He looks like a fireman. Whatever you pictured just now when I said he looks like a fireman, that is exactly what he looks like. Of course, that is the primary reason that I will never have sex with Lisa. The second, obviously, is the fact that she is hot. That, and oh yeah - the fact that she is married.

So Lisa is in the middle of a conversation with our co-worker, complaining about her super-muscular firefighter husband. Today she is bitching that he leaves their bathroom in a state of disrepair every morning. I sit and listen while she complains about the towel that he won’t hang up, the underwear he leaves on the floor, and the puddles of water accumulated while drying off. I secretly curse her because she is probably having sex like a mad cow, morning and night, and she is complaining about underwear on the floor. Anyway, this exchange occurs:

Lisa: . . . and I don’t even want to get into the mess he makes while shaving.

GR: How does he make a mess while shaving?

Lisa: There is shaving cream every where, stubble all in the sink and water all over the counter.

GR: Shaving is not that hard, you wouldn’t think he would make that much of a mess.

Lisa: Well he says that he makes a mess because he is trying to balance with one leg hiked up on
the counter top.

GR: . . . . . . . (blank look on face)(look at co-worker)(look back at Lisa - still blank look)

Lisa: You know. . . when he shaves, balancing on one foot. . .

GR: What the hell are you talking about?

Lisa: When he shaves "down there" (she says while motioning down to her "special place")

GR: Are you saying your husband shaves his pubes with his leg hiked up on the bathroom sink?

Lisa: Well, yeah. (said like this is the most normal thing in the world)

GR: Why doesn’t he do this in the shower or something?

Lisa: Because it takes too long and the hot water runs out.

GR: What exactly does he shave?

Lisa: Everything (again in this same voice).

GR: Are you saying that your husband shaves all of his pubes off?

Lisa: Well, yeah.

GR: Everything?

Lisa: Yep.

GR: All of it?

Lisa: Yeah.

GR: He is totally bare?

Lisa: Yeah.

GR: He’s got no pubes?

Lisa: Yes!

I excused myself, where I went back to my office and spent the rest of the day thinking about this exchange. Hey - I am for partial depilation as much as the next guy. I think it common courtesy to engage in a bit of a trim and what not (of course, only on the off chance that a lady will one day want to go downtown). But I have never met (nor seen) a guy that shaved everything. What does he say to his friends in the locker room? Are other men doing this? Is this a new trend that I don’t know about? My god, if I was lucky enough to hook up with some hapless girl, what would her reaction be when I revealed "the goods," and she is face to face with a completely bald, unhidden, set of genitalia?

I have no way of answering these questions without your help. I need every single person to leave a comment. For men: Do you do this? Is this common? Do women like it?

For women: Have you ever seen this phenomenon? What would you do if you stumbled upon a bald set of twig and berries? Do you find this sexy? Would you laugh if some guy dropped his underpants to show you a freshly-shorn pubic area? Or would you feel like you are raping a 12 yearn old?

This entire post is a little disturbing. Is anyone taking bets on how long it takes me to be fired for sexual harassment in the workplace?


A Lover and a Fighter said...

1) I'm actually just laughing at you for using the word "underpants" like you're somebody's mom.

2) I'd be willing to give a baldy mcgee a shot. It's rare, i'll give you that. But you never know. It's too bad that penises and scrotums and testicles aren't more attractive, though. And sometimes pubic hair is really obnoxious.

New Texan said...

Uh... that is not normal unless you are a porn star.

I am thinking that 6 months is the appropriate over/under for the sexual harrasment claim!

Garrett Reid said...

L&F - I spent no less than 10 minutes trying to decide the appropriate word to use for underpants. You can't say boxers because not everyone wears them. I have never liked underwear because it sounds like too much like Underoos (and most people I know no longer wear their superman underoos). So I went with underpants. Bad decision? Probably.

You don't think penises and testicles are attractive? You have clearly not seen a good set then. Drop by La Bare every other Saturday when I perform and you'll quickly change your tune.

And if you would give a baldy mcgee a shot, what would you think the first time said baldy was encountered? It would have to be a bit shocking, no?

How is pubic hair obnoxious? Elaborate please.

New Texan: I agree - not normal. Maybe the guy is a porn star. I talked it over with some people who think he may be gay on the side. One gay guy I asked said 20% of straight firemen are gay. But I think that may just be wishful thinking on his part. Maybe gay porn? I don't know.

6 months sounds about right, I think. I dread the day when a lawyer asks me in court: "Is it true Mr. Reid that you had a conversation with Lisa in the break room about shaving pubic hair?" Me: "Well yes, but it was a totally innocent exchange - kind of Seinfeld like"

I may need you to one day explore the possibility of jurors' reaction to The Seinfeld Defense.

dmbmeg said...

I'll go with he doesn't like the smell of burnt hair.

He IS a fireman after all.

stephen said...

Trim, yes. Shave,no.

I read once (or maybe they said in Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle - that's a reputable source right?) that it makes you appear "bigger". He's obviously trying to compensate.

Anonymous said...

Let's just say that I would be more apt to put my mouth there if I didn't have to worry about the hair....wink...wink...nudge...nudge

New Texan said...

Yes... the Seinfeld Defense. Saddly, it is probably more effective in the northeast than down here in Dallas.

Winter said...

Please, for everyone's sake, never do that.

I HATE when men shave their chest hair as well.

You're welcome.

TK said...

Yeaaaah.... a trim is one thing - but clear-cutting like that is creepy (not to mention hazardous!).

Also, Garrett, buddy. I like you and all, but you are giving away WAY too many guy secrets. If you don't stop, we are going to have to dispatch a re-education squad to your home. It won't be pleasant. But at least you'll stop talking out of school.

littlewhiteliar said...

I've encountered the elusive bald male erectus in the wild. It was terrifying for three reasons. 1) I immediately pictured the testicle-shaving process. In my head, it was a lot like trying to pull a deflated balloon back into shape while quickly raking a razor over it. Nas-tay. 2) Plus, I've seen some pretty penises, but pretty balls? No. They are the nobby skulls of the sexual world. Keep them hidden under clothes and hair, nobody wants to see that shit. 3) Immediately post-coitus, a bald soft penis looks JUST like a newborn puppy. All bald and helpless and covered in fluid. Nothing says "Flee the area" like "I've just birthed a litter."

Punky said...

Well, I very briefly dated a fireman and he shaved it all. I mean all body hair. Shaved his arms, his legs, "down-there" and all the hair on his head...I don't even think he had eyebrows....

He claimed it was some fireman - thing...

It was totally weird.

you'dneverguess said...

I am not a big fan of manscaping. I mean, it's a nice gesture to clean yourself up if you've got a tremendous amount of hair. But I am for sure not into bald. That's just weird. More than weird, it's narcissistic and feminine. I don't like my man to do feminine things. I want him to be a MAN. When I want feminine, I . . . nevermind.

srchngformystry said...

i like it trimmed, not completely shaved. less hair to pick out from your teeth.

ugh, gross.

but i didnt use the word "underpants."

kelsi said...

i'm kind of in awe. maybe you're my hero? how is it even possible to have this sort of conversation at work?

littlewhiteliar, your comment about puppies made me laugh like a goon.

Kristin said...

I too am astounded by the whole underpants thing... gitch is a generic undergarment word that works for both men and women and regardless of type..
And littlewhiteliar had me giggling too about the whole puppy bit...
I've encountered the shaven thing and granted it was nice not to have a pube stuck to your tongue for ages that you just can't get rid of, I found it a little surprising. A trim is very good, even a close trim, but like someone said, I like my men to be well ..men. (that sounds like I have so many lined up.. I think I've already lapsed into Born Again Virgin status so there is no line...)

And, I'll take 6 weeks as my wager. :-)

Garrett Reid said...

DMBmeg - Do you know how traumatic it would be for a man to burn his balls? I wonder if one had a singed ball sack whether they would put them in a sling?

Stephen - I think that was said in one of those American Pie movies - still a very reputable source. That makes me feel better about a pube shaver being with someone so hot though; he has a small penis.

Anon - I cannot crack your code there. What are you saying? Are you saying that you are giving out blowjobs to shaved guys? If so, please hand me the razor. Wait. . . are you a woman (or at least feminine in appearance?)

New Texan: Yes - but it may work better than the Chewbacca Defense

LisaB said...

I would think it really off-putting to be with someone for the first time and find no hair at all! I would be thinking he is a player...or at least was pretty certain I was a sure thing...I mean...there's a lot of preparation involved. lol
It's gotta be more hygienic though... I've only experienced men who were 'trimmed' not hairless...and I have to say... a trimming gets lots more attention than a jungle.

Freddy said...

Lately I've been contemplating this myself. I have been encouraged by a few folks who I know to have 'been there' and tell me that it heightens the sensations, and it does avoid the pube in throat thing.
There's also the issue of taking bets on whether my wife would ever notice...
So, for the purpose of your survey, would I have a 'back sac and crack' waxing?
Yes - I believe I would

Hippo said...

I shave my area, but not bald. Trimming is a polite thing if you expect some attention in that area. I would expect the same from the ladies. No guy wants to wade face first through your recreation of the amazon.

Bald is a little weird though. A little to prepubescent. Maybe that would be classified as a fetish.

Barbtender said...

I've seen the whole range from 70's sasquatch crotch to fully shaved. My preference is for nicely trimmed with just the lower shaft of the penis shaved (preventing entanglements or hair pulls with deep penetration). The first time I saw a baldy, it freaked me out a little bit...might he be a male stripper? Ewwwww.

After refelection, I realized that I feel better without hair getting in the way down there, so it's logical a guy might feel that way too. Doesn't really make me hot, though.

mindy said...

Men should NEVER shave it all - whether it's pubes or chest hair, whatever. Why? Because they never keep up with it, so at some point there is going to be some VERY ROUGHT stubble rubbing up against my VERY SENSITIVE areas, and that's not good for anyone. Especially me.

Kat said...

I've come across it. I'll admit it. And it freaked the shit out of me - it was too...too fleshy. Pubes, I determined, have a very distinct purpose in life, to make things look better, just like trees look better with leaves. Nicely trimmed trees, of course.

My guess though is that this guy has a small penis and is engaging in this obscure and frightening practice to make his tree, keeping on the same metaphorical line, look taller.

Michelle said...

You should check out www dot shaveeverywhere dot com - it's ALL about the "extra optical inch"

But no... all I've ever heard is that men should keep it trimmed short and women should take it all off.

Michelle at unblunder

Anonymous said...

My man shaves it all off. I love it and would ask that it be no other way. It's not freaky and it's not limited to gays and/or porn stars. I don't think my man's penis is gross with or without hair. To say that it is gross is a weird comment to make about someone you supposedly love. I enjoy the fact that he can feel comfortable enough around me to do this.

Secondly, if these are the worst things in your coworkers marriage that she has to worry about, she should be thankful. These are things that can be dealt with and concluded upon. Pubes in the sink is one thing - cheating with another, if even just for the "happy ending" is another... (Yes, I am married to my man and I do know what I'm talking about. So back off). This "complaint" of hers is a small thing in the big scheme of marriage. She should get over it. Or hire a housekeeper.

Finally, on the chance that I'll freak out everyone here (though I'm pretty sure if you've read this entire post, "this" cannot freak you out any more than you've just experienced), with a shaved penis you have nothing to worry about with reagards to the "oral", if you catch my drift.

Good luck to your co-worker. She's gonna need it. Maybe it's that she's young, but I don't regard these complaints of hers in this here post of yours valid.

kim said...

I completely agree with Anon#2. Lisa shouldn't be complaining at all. She's getting it every single darn night, ain't she? (if not, she very well should!)

To answer your question, GR, I'd prefer a neat trim on a man rather than see, feel, and taste the whole thing shaved off. Wonder how Lisa gets through it, though...

Girlie Monkey said...

I've dated several guys that shaved everything (no, they were not porn stars). Honestly though, it's not that big of a deal to me. As long as the hair is reasonable trimmed, I am ok with it. A lot of times I am so busy looking at the actual penis that i don't have time to analyze the hair length...

CJ said...

I can't say that I would care one way or another. The guy I'm with now claims that he shaves sometimes, though I've never seen it happen, and he is pretty hairless anyway. Body hair is generally gross to me, so I certainly would not be appalled by a lack of it. And I definitely know men who shave down there - both straight and gay. Usually the straight men that shave down there are the ones who want women to do the same. I am okay with that. Personally, I think that women's lib should mean men starting to shave their armpits, not women growing pit hair. I think all people are better with as little body hair as possible.

However, removing the hair from your body & leaving it in my sink is NOT helpful! So, I agree with Lisa's complaints. If he can't clean up after himself, then he shouldn't bother shaving! Also - they run out of how water??? If he shaves regularly it shouldn't take THAT long to maintain. Is he secretly a sasquatch??

Also, I agree that male genitalia is ugly - in all cases. Sorry guys, that's just how it is.

badabing said...

I'm from the Northeast, yea Seinfeld defense works here (as far as I'm concerned). Now, any guy who hogs the bathroom in the morning is a queer, especially one that hogs the sink so that he can eleviate the forest that is growin on his frank and beans. I would never wanna be brushin my teeth and stumble across some ball sack hair folicule. Nor would i like to pull down a guys pants and see the 5 o'clock shadow escaping his pubic area. You could poke a girls eye out if you miss a shave. Guys wwho shave their chest and pubes are just preparing for their sex change that is years to come....

Melanie said...

One time I was going to town with this guy, and he had a very trimmed happy trail. It was the weirdest thing I had ever seen. It kind of turned me off because he clearly spent way too much time grooming himself.

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