Friday, April 20, 2007

Breaking News

I am sure some of you have seen the story about Alec Baldwin and the voice message he allegedly left for his 11 year-old daughter, Ireland. Well, we here at This Blog is Not Funny, LLC, a subsidiary of Not Funny Blogs, International, wholly owned and operated by Global Chemical Industries, Inc. Worldwide, wanted to get to the bottom of this thing. I don’t know what you folks did this morning, but my morning was spent in Alec Baldwin’s luxury penthouse suite, interviewing him regarding these recent developments. The results are not easily summarized. So below, I provide you with the full transcript of the interview.

GR - Before we go on the record I want to just say I think you are great in 30 Rock. You play a cold, insensitive, self-serving prick better than anyone. Turns out, though, it may not be all acting.

AB - Now wait a minute, you listen to me you fucking little asshole, you little asshole bitch. I shit people like you for breakfast. When I wake up in my 25 million dollar -

GR - Whoa, hold on. My bad. Turns out we WERE on the record. Oops. By the way, I am not sure that “shitting for breakfast” thing makes any sense.

AB - Well, I was just playing around with you there. Just a little word banter between friends. [Alec takes a long, slow drink from his scotch - but never takes his eyes from me].

GR - So let’s get right down to this voice mail business. From what the gossip sites are saying, you left a rambling, profanity laden, insult-filled voice message for your young daughter, where you called her, and let me quote this, “a rude, thoughtless little pig.”

AB - Well yes, you’ll get this scoop, because I am going to admit right here, right now that I did leave that message - Wait, who did you say that message was for?

GR - Your daughter, Ireland.

AB - Is that why I have been getting hate mail all day long and my publicist keeps calling this “a nightmare?"

GR - I’m not sure I follow you.

AB - That message wasn’t for my daughter, it was for my pet pig, Daphne. I lost her in the divorce as well. . . God I hate that little thoughtless fucking pig.

GR - Um.

AB - You would think an 11 year-old pig would have learned some respect by now. . . My god, that fucking pig. [Alec takes another pull from his scotch glass (his second) and finishes it off. He walks over to the mini-bar and pours himself another] The times we used to have together, and the trouble we pulled. . . I could tell you some stories, that god-damned little pig.

GR - Uh. . . Why -

AB - I remember this one time in ‘98 Daphne and I went to Monte Carlo for the weekend, and there were these two African prostitutes. Hey asshole don’t write that down, that’s not a racist slur, they were actually from Africa.

GR - Mr. Baldwin, why were you leaving a voice message for a pig?

AB - Listen you fucking prick, you can of prick juice, she has a name. Daphne. It means "laurel" in Greek. In Greek mythology Daphne was a nymph turned into a laurel tree by her father in order that she might escape the pursuit of Apollo. All of that seems so ironic now, doesn't it?

GR - So why were you leaving a voice message for Daphne?

AB - That fucking ungrateful, arrogant little shit of a pig. She won’t return my calls. When I do reach her on her cell, she just sits there not saying anything. Her mother made her like that. That bitch, she has turned my beloved Daphne against me. I can see it in her eyes. Just last weekend I flew her to New York to visit me. While we were watching Failure to Launch I could tell that something was missing. It is as if her mind was somewhere else.

GR - Mr. Baldwin, does Daphne speak to you?

AB - What is your name again? Garrett? Okay listen Garrett, don’t be a cunt, okay? Of course she doesn’t speak. Not like you or I. But she communicates with me. We speak to each other in a language no one could comprehend. Our love transcends human communication. But that fucking, rude, thoughtless pig has turned on me. I tell her what time I am calling, and she doesn’t answer. Last week I called her 25 times between 2:00 am and 2:15 am, and not even the common decency to pick up the phone.

GR - Well I think I have everything I need.

AB - Listen to me Garrett. Listen to me. Are you paying attention. Look me in the eye. Look me in the goddamned eye. If you make me look bad, I will stab you. I will straight up kill you. Do you understand? You will die, and I don’t mean one of those easy “oh hey - I just got shot in the face by Alec Baldwin” kind of deaths. I mean you will suffer. I know people. Tell me you understand.

GR - I understand.

AB - Tell me that I am the greatest living actor to walk the planet Earth.

GR - You are the greatest living actor.

AB - To walk the planet Earth . . .

GR - To walk the planet Earth.

AB - Now get the fuck out of here, I have 2:15 massage with Violet.


dmbmeg said...

Alec Baldwin's performance in Pearl Harbor brought me to tears. Well that, and the whole 'sex in parachutes' thing. History rules!

A Lover and a Fighter said...

I enjoy how much company time you took to do this.

CJ said...

I think the worst part of the message was that he didn't know if his daughter was 11 or 12.

Winter said...

Oh please, I think all parents talk to their kids like that.

I at least plan to when I have some.

Anonymous said...

cripes much time do you have at work?