Thursday, April 12, 2007

Somebody Call 911! Lickety Split

There is no secret to the fact that I am a glutton. Ninety-nine percent of the things I do, I do in excess. Drinking, gambling, womanizing and cross-dressing. I also enjoy gorging myself with all kinds of food. Easter candy is no different. I know, I know - it is a little late to be writing about this, but it is topical nonetheless because as I write these words I am dying. Actual, real death. The things I am saying right now may very well be the last things I ever write. Ever. Fuck, I had better say something smart-sounding. Sesquipedalian. How’s that bitches?

Anyway. On the Saturday before Easter I went to my local Walgreens, where I purchased a four egg set of Cadbury Creme Eggs. I decided to wait until Sunday to eat those eggs. Sunday came, and I celebrated Easter by drinking beer and watching golf. (You know, in honor of Jesus being raised from the dead and all. I figure he died for my sins, so I certainly don’t want his death to be in vain. This is why I try and sin as much as possible. Logically, it is the only way to be a good Christian. It’s all logic.)

Creme-filled chocolate eggs don’t go well with Quesadillas and beer, so I decided to wait until Monday. I brought all four eggs with me to work on Monday, and I ate all four of them in a span of 6 minutes for lunch. Then I got to thinking. You can’t buy these eggs at any time other than Easter. That means I am going to have to wait an entire year to eat these again, and I only ate four. Four in one year is not very many. That equates to one egg every three months. That is nothing. So last night I went to my local Walgreens to purchase some more.

Walgreens seemed to want to get rid of their Creme Eggs, because they had them on sale for 50% off. I like Walgreens, and I want to help them out. I would hate for these things to go bad, or for some Walgreens manager to have to take a bunch of them home to her kids. You know, because childhood obesity is a problem and all. So I bought a few.

First, I bought 4 more of these:

Then, I bought 3 of these - just three eggs, not three cases. (because I like Baby Ruth and wanted to give them a shot):

Then, I bought 2 of these (because caramel is good in anything, especially chocolate eggs):

Caramel Egg

Then, I bought 3 of these - just three eggs, not three cases. (because my Grandfather loved Butterfingers, and he died a few years ago - so this was in his honor):
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I went to the counter and purchased 12 chocolate eggs. Nothing else. (Strangely the cashier scanned each one individually, even though they were the same price).

For lunch today I ate 12 chocolate eggs, filled with various things. And now I will die. My hands are a little sticky, but I am scared to get up from my chair for fear of vomit.

In case you were wondering, the classic version is my favorite, followed by the Baby Ruth version.


TK said...

If you can find the peanut butter ones, I highly recommend them. Assuming you can get your chocolate-laden ass back to the store.

Garrett Reid said...

Damn. I have never see the peanut butter ones. I'll have to make some phone calls.

dmbmeg said...

The cashier probably thought you were bulimic.

Those Cadbury Eggs are delicious.

Also, since you claim I never read your site, here I am. Commenting. At 1:15am. Cause I can't sleep. Feel honored.

TK said...

"here I am. Commenting. At 1:15am. Cause I can't sleep. Feel honored."

And 'cuz you got stiffed on your porn purchase. Get it? STIFFED. Ah, shoot me.

Garrett, those peanut butter ones are salty-sweet heaven-in-an-egg. But they are hard to find. You will need to search far and wide, grasshopper.

Garrett Reid said...

DmbMeg: I don't think the cashier had many thoughts in his head - except when he was going to get off of work so he could smoke some more weed. Thanks for taking the time to read the blog, since you were suffering from insomnia, had nothing else better to do, were sexually frustrated, and after I cried that you never check the thing. I assume that you knew what everyone else who reads this thing knows - that reading it will eliminate any sexual desires you may have and put you to sleep. I do feel honored.

TK: Stiffed - good one. Those peanut butter eggs seem like a lot of work. I might have my secretary start looking for them today after lunch. She is going to pick up a birthday card for my grandmother, so she will already be out.

mindy said...

Those caramel eggs are a HUGE disappointment. BabyRuth on the other hand - well, they know what's up.

Garrett Reid said...

Mindy - Did you try the Butterfinger? I thought those were pretty good too, and better than the caramel.

dmbmeg said...

does it bother you that TK addressed my comment before he addressed your blog post?

How does it feel to continually come in second to a chick who has to order porn on the tv in order to feel loved in this world. And by "loved" I mean solely by my right hand. And occasionally my left.

TK-I heart you. (And I guess you too sometimes, Garrett)

Winter said...

I spent 60 dollars on Easter candy this year, I'm a really bad jew.