Friday, April 13, 2007

Joe Francis = Big F-ing Baby

Apparently, American hero, Joe Francis, is a huge fucking cry baby. For those of you who don’t know - Joe Francis is the man who brought you such classics as Girls Gone Wild, Girls Gone Wild: Island Orgy, Girls Gone Wild: Sweet Young Sex Maniacs and Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style (hosted by Snoop Dogg). Here is the story as I know it: Joe Francis flies around the world on a big-ass jet to exotic locations, where young, tan, nubile girls willingly take their cloths off in front of him and often allow Mr. Francis and his perpetually-erect crew to film them “supposedly” engaged in their "first time” with another woman. Francis is four years older than I, and reportedly makes 29 million a year. It used to be that I would look to Tiger Woods and think, “look what someone my age can do.” Now, I look to Mr. Francis and say, “That fucking prick, I would Heather Mills my right leg for that guy’s job.”

Well, Joe Francis got into some trouble with the law. Actually, Joe Francis has been in a lot of trouble with the law. The complaints against him are too numerous to list here, but lets just summarize them to say they involved some alleged underage activities, alleged rapes, and alleged calling of women “bitches” and “whores.” That’s right. He is a tough, but sensitive guy. A friend to women, if you will. Well apparently seven girls are suing him because he “allegedly” filmed them while they were underage. During settlement talks, Mr. Francis (always the level-headed man that he is) shouted profanities at the women, and threatened to “bury them.” This pissed off a federal judge, who ordered that Francis be arrested for contempt of court. Francis, being the tough guy that he is, refused to be arrested and called the federal judge a “judge gone wild.” Clever, isn’t he?

Finally, Mr. Francis took a break from masturbating while looking at underage areola to be arrested. While in jail, Francis “allegedly” offered a jail guard $100 for a bottled water. When the guard refused, Francis (who may have been parched from the amount of semen he was already forced to swallow by The Sisters) showed the guard $500. When they searched his cell (may be code for “ass”), the po-lice found prescription sleeping pills and anti-anxiety medication. He was then charged with bribery, three counts of possessing a controlled substance and five counts of introducing contraband (cash and drugs) into the jail. He could get up to five years in prison for each count.

Here comes the good part. You all now know that Joe Francis is a tough guy, who loves him the women (even if he “allegedly” loves them while they are sleeping from drugs he gave them). Well tough-guy Francis apparently pulled a Johnny Sack, and as he was being leg from the courtroom in cuffs wept for his parents, as his mommy blew him a kiss. What a fucking baby. I have to go with Phil Leotardo on this one and say, “take it like a fucking man, asshole.” What did you think was going to happen? You smuggle drugs and cash into a federal jail, offer some of the cash to the guard for a bottle of Perrier, call your judge “judge gone wild” and film underage girls showing their breasts on camera, and then you cry for your mommy when you get arrested. What a douchebag.

Joe Francis, millionaire douchebag.


dmbmeg said...

You know in Fletch where Chevy Chase imagines himself to be playing for the Lakers, and the commenter says something to the effect of, "he's 6'2". 6'6" with the afro." That is what this picture reminds me of. When I saw this douche on tv, I thought he wasn't a twat taller than 5'4". Apparently he's been listening to a lot of Bon Jovi lately and began to feather his hair.

stephen said...

How could you take such a great gig as filming countless boobies and turn it into getting anally raped. Shit, I'd cry too.

mindy said...

Didn't he also fail to pay millions of dollars in taxes?

If I were his mother, I can assure you I wouldn't be blowing him a kiss as he was hauled off to jail. I'd be talking to my therapist about how I raised such a goddamn asshole of a son!

Winter said...

It's okay, I'm jealous too.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Is he single? And, you know, looking?