Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Apparently, I am an asshole.

That's right. I know. I can't believe it either. I am as shocked as you are. But this is what a friend of mine told me on Sunday. In fact, her exact words were: "You know, you're a real asshole, and I'm not the only one who thinks so." So what could I possibly have done to cause such hatred from a good friend of mine? Well, I don't think it deserves conferring asshole status on me so much as it warrants, "thoughtless and insensitive" status.

I'll try and keep this short because - well, I know you don't care very much. That and I am a very busy person doing very important things.

Saturday night I had a party at my house. You know, on a side note - at what age do you stop having regular parties where everyone comes over and drinks and you start having dinner parties, or those kind of house parties where there is a bartender and caterers? All of my parties are the same. 20 friends come over, drink shit tons of alcohol and smoke on my back porch, until someone suggests we play a drinking game. Then 10 of us play stupid games around my kitchen table while the other 6 keep drinking while watching football on TV. Two people will probably have sex in one room of my house. Two people will leave early because they have kids, and having kids turns you into a gigantic pussy who can't stay out past 10:00.

Well this party ended when everyone was too drunk to see the playing cards, and with me checking my home owner's policy to see if it would cover a drunk driving accident. I thought it would, so everyone got to be on their merry little ways. And I got to feel secure in the knowledge that some insurance company would have to pay for the inevitable accident rather than me.

When everyone left, the girlfriend says to me, "hey - someone left a cell phone."

I excitedly checked it out. The cell phone belonged to my friend, Crystal. Plans immediately began being made for how to most appropriately use the lost cell phone to have some fun. On a side note here, having a girlfriend is trouble for me in these situations. Especially given just how awesome I really am. If she had not been there, I would have seen the cell phone, put it on the table and thought about all of the funny stuff to do. Then I would have fallen asleep after furiously masturbating to that picture I downloaded last week of that chick from that high school musical show. Since she is there I have an audience, and I also don't have a reason to masturbate (P.S. I'm sorry girl from high school musical that I have neglected masturbating to you since I downloaded you last week. I promise to get around to it. It's not you, it's me. I've been really busy. I've been getting some non-solo sex. I'm sorry. I'll do better next week I promise).

So we finally voted and decided the best plan was to send random text messages to mutual friends. Here are the text messages in order:

To her roommate (who was out of town): I can't wait for you to get back. I've been thinking a lot about "us" and I think we should take it to the next level.

To Amy (another single girl also at the party): Great time tonight! You looked hot by the way. Maybe just the two of us could go out some time and get to know each other better. I hope you know what I mean by that.

To Chuck (a guy that was not at the party - and who is married) Missed a great party at G.R.'s house. Too bad you and [wife] couldn't make it because I can't stop thinking about that tight dress she wore when I saw her last.

To Denise (her best friend): I think I am having feelings for Garrett! What should I do? I can't stop thinking about him and touching myself!

At this point, I got bored. It takes a long time to text all of that. We decided one final message would be appropriate. But I couldn't decide on what to do. Maybe I was too drunk to think clearly. Maybe I wanted to get the texting over with so some inappropriate and fairly degrading (to me) sexual activity could take place. I don't know, but I decided the final message should be sent to everyone in her contact list. That's right. Everyone.

It read: "To Everyone: I'm drunk and looking for a hook up! Call me!!!!" Then I turned off her phone and left it at that.

Cue the furious phone call the next morning. She was okay with the messages I sent to her roommate (the roommate alerted her to my joke with a phone call at 7:00 am). She was okay with the messages I sent to Amy and Chuck. She thought the one to Denise was hilarious. What she was not okay with was me telling everyone in her contact list that she was drunk and looking for a piece of ass. What I wasn't thinking about was the fact that her mother, her grandmother, her boss, her father (who is in Thailand or something), her childhood friends, and several people from her church were on that list. Oops.

Okay, I admit. This is one of the worst things I have done. I screwed up. I'm probably an asshole. However, in my defense I didn't do it to be an asshole. I just didn't think. I think she is going to forgive me. I told her I was sorry, and that I would bring her the phone. She said she didn't want it back. She told everyone who called her that the phone was stolen. She is getting a new one this week. But really, she shouldn't leave her phone just laying around!

Okay, let me have it. I'm an asshole.

50 comments:

Mr. Shain said...

welcome to the club,

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Buy her a new phone.

Angela said...

I think it's hysterical- we took my friend's phone this weekend and left a message for her coworker that she wanted to lick the tip of his weiner. That kind of stuff is funny.

blythe said...

sweet oden's raven, garrett! that's the balls + infinity. yeah, buy her a new phone. or at least a new extended family. in the meantime, can you make up a list of funny texts, maybe a spreadsheet - you've probably got time at work, pocket sized, so i can have it just in case someone is dumb enough to leave their phone in my presence?

mindy said...

Reason #146 to delete your exes out of your phone.

elyse the portuguese said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
non-Blondie said...

hahaha thats hilarious. the best pranks are the ones where you dont bother to think about the consequences and you make issues for people.
but whatevs, if she can write off all the lesbian texts by telling people you did it, why cant she just use the same excuse to her family? and blame you a lot. geez, it's not that hard to lie to your parents!

Snow White said...

Hmmmm... you're a guy, so I think it goes without saying... I'd hate for this to happen to me, but it IS pretty funny!

That's Biatch to you... said...

I did that once at a party, but instead of texting, I called a random person on their contact list...at like, 1am. It turned out to be the guy's boss. Whoops! What are the odds!?

Eagle_Chick said...

Cell Phone Cleaning for me today. I have numbers of people I haven't talked to in YEARS. You're not an ass, think of all the people you just helped. I'm locking my phone if I ever come to your house.

STP said...

I think that's worth a high-five. Granted, the last one was crossing the line a bit but you were drunk. The rest - genius!

New Texan said...

A couple thoughts...

First, you are not an asshole. For "asshole status" you need intent. You may be ignorant, but you are not an asshole. Plus, funny trumps asshole.

Second, you have a cool girlfriend. She was OK with you doing this? Holy shit! What a keeper!

Third, as for when you start having "dinner parties"... I'd say, right around the time when you could find a friend's phone and not have the urge to send text messages to their contacts.

Garrett Reid said...

M'Shain - Thanks. Are there free cookies at the meetings?

L & F - Okay, I thought about that. If she wants to tell everyone that the phone was stolen - she would just have to get a new number, but could still use the same phone, just with a new card, right? I told her to tell everyone the phone was recovered, and it wasn't really stolen just misappropriated by an asshole.

Angela - Just saying weiner is funny.

Blythe - The funniest ones (in my opinion) are the fake wrong number texts. You send a text message to one friend, but address a third friend in the message, as if she accidentally sent it to the wrong person. In said message you can: 1) talk about their secret affair, 2) talk about the herpes test results 3) talk about the third friend in a derogatory or sexual manner or 4) talk about how much you love the new gigantic 12 inch black dildo you bought this week (that works for men and women both).

Mindy - That is a first night after the breakup thing to do. That way you are never tempted to call them after for break up sex.

Elyse - You would think that would count for something. At least all of the other friends thought it was pretty funny.

Non-Blondie - I guess she doesn't want her parents to know she would even associate with a person as bad as me.

Snow - Thanks. If only I had stopped before the final text it would have been 100% awesome. Since I didn't it is only 90% awesome.

Biatch - Very true. What are the odds? I don't keep my boss in my phone at all for just those reasons. That and I don't want to drunkenly accidentally dial him one night. This is possible because his contact entry would come right after "Slut #4"

Eagle - I've learned my lesson. No longer will I send mass texts. They are a universally bad idea anyway. Much like joining myspace or eating bologna.

STP - Thanks. You don't hear that genius word thrown around every day, do you? I WAS drunk, as legally speaking, cannot be blamed for anything that happened after the first beer was consumed. It's the law.

New Tex - You are so wise. As to your first point - I agree. There was no intent (the mens rea for you non-legal folk). I'm kind of dumb and I was showing off for a hot girl. No jury in the world would convict me of wrong doing. On the second point: She was laughing pretty hard the whole time. Although she did keep telling me I was going to get in some serious trouble with the friend. On the third point - good point. I don't see that day coming any time soon.

TK said...

Holy fucking hell. You are an asshole. A gigantic asshole.

But... you also might be a genius. I mean, if you did it to me, I'd probably beat you to death. But since that's not the case... After careful consideration, I have a final ruling:

Genius.

Bravo.

toadely said...

Ya know, the best things in life really ARE free! Well, unless you pay for her new phone.

Garrett Reid said...

TK: Thanks for the final ruling. I like to think that I can be an asshole and a genius both. Actually, I am working on the asshole part. If I don't I'll have to find new fiends and that requires a lot of work. I'm not good at networking.

toadely: I don't know how much her phone cost - but unless it is free, it is probably too much. I don't think I'm going to buy the phone, but I might buy her a drink.

onthevirg said...

#1 - She was asking for it by leaving her phone in your place. I mean, that's like taunting somebody to do something. Come on.

#2 - That shit was hilarious. So if she thinks your an asshole for that, she needs to get her programming checked at the cyborg factory. That was golden.

Nika said...

Yes, you're an asshole. But not because of the reasons you listed. You have a girlfriend and yet you were out trying to catch some hot girl's eye last Sunday? It's a good thing you're funny.

Also: longtime lurker, first time commenter. Howdy!

Jason said...

She learned a valuable lesson: don't leave your shit lying around. Had you kindly returned the phone w/o incident, she wouldn't have learned that lesson.

You should donate the old phone to a womens shelter (take the card out first). Many shelters are always accepting phones, to donate to women who are getting on their feet after leaving abusive relationships. Good world karma to you, in addition to the major chic points earned.

dmbmeg said...

since when is this the most popular blog on the internets?

Maxine Dangerous said...

Like many said, I don't think you're an asshole and I definitely agree with whomever said 'she blew off the lesbian texts, so why not yours?'

But yeah, a nice sucking-up gift would be a nice gesture. :)

Anonymous said...

I would say this incident doesn't classify you as much of a friend. If I left something at a friend's house I would think it would be safe. I wouldn't think they'd charge sex toys on my visa and have them delivered to my mom's house anymore than I'd think they'd use my phone for a crass, juvenile prank. If I thought of you as a friend in the past I would think of you as an asshole in the future. It would only be forgivable in you were under the age of 15. Send her some flowers, send apologies to everyone on her phone list and NOW is the time to start having dinner parties.

sybil law said...

Wow - what's up with anonymous? Oh wait - that's right - no balls to post your name also means you can't have any fun.
I thought it was hilarious. My parents would, too.

Karen said...

it is one of those things that is funny when it hasn't happened to you. I personally think it is hysterical, but if it was my phone, asshole is the nicest thing I'd say to you.

blythe said...

i was just inspired to remember this one time when my friend margaret and i went around northampton placing notes on people windshields that read "sorry i slashed your tires - honest mistake" during a snow emergency. we were weird. point is, i think i'm going to have to be on the lookout for abandoned cell phones.

Anne said...

That was hilarious.

Anonymous said...

geesh, i guess you are an asshole indeed

Snow White said...

If you don't update here soon, I'm going to start believing... after all, I've been seeing the same headline now for weeks!

onthevirg said...

Perhaps you should change the name to:

This Blog Is Not Updated

Just a thought.

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Michael5000 said...

I realize I'm late, but I LOVE this post:

Well played. You don't see enough high-quality pranks these days, and this was a top-notch prank.

You are not an asshole. The incident clearly falls under the domain of the universally recognized principle of "You Snooze, You Lose."

If you leave your cellphone behind at an alcohol-based venue, you have to kind of roll with whatever happens next.

Mom, Grandma, friends from church -- you should be able to explain this sort of thing to them. The Boss, well, that's kind of a bummer, but whatever. Her "the phone was stolen" was a pretty good strategy, but you shouldn't have to pay for a new one. "Somebody found the phone in an alley a block from my house" would work just fine to make the old one useable again.

Theunis said...

at least you didnt take any photos with it. My girlfriend's flatmate left her camera at myflat years ago. Me and my mates obviously thought that it would be hilarious, after meeting up with uncle Jack of course, to take photos of our butts on her camera, and this is years ago, analog baby, the film doesnt lie... Our butts suddenly became all kinds of other things.. (use your imagination here... no we DIDNT DO THAT!!! FILTHY THING! BAD DOG - NO BISCUIT!!)

we of course forgot all about the film the next day and it was only when she came back a week later with the developed film and in tears that we heard that she handed the film to her mother to develop it for her... ever since then her mother has always given me some lascivious glancs... quite gross really

Anonymous said...

man, i just started reading your blog. and then i read back-entries. and now you never post! come on! i'm sure you're busy being an un-funny business man or whatever you do, but you really are funny. and i need mooore.

blythe said...

brilliant! i didn't know that to drive up comments, all i had to do was never post!

Beth said...

Heh, you're not an asshole. Maybe a bit of a jerk, but she could just text everyone again saying 'Sorry, a friend sent that text as a prank.'

EternalVirgin said...

Did you die? Did your friend kill you?

Deutlich said...

She really shouldn't have left the phone...

And that shit was hilarious. Thanks for the laughs. ;)

Le Meems said...

Hilarious!

I do not think you are an asshole .. more like comedic genius

Princess Bitch said...

you are an asshole and a brilliant one at that.

fucking priceless! love it!

but wtf do i know, im a bitch... ;)