Thursday, September 13, 2007

Why Didn't Al Gore Invent This Thing in 1988?

This week some lucky f-ing eleven year olds got to see some porn action.

The story is here: Fifth-Graders Mistakenly Shown Part of Porn Movie

I hate to sound old and bitter here (maybe I am though), but kids today do not realize how lucky they have it. When I was a kid there were only two sources of porn:

1) The rack of dirty magazines behind the counter at your local 7-11, totally inacessible to a 12 year old, porn craving kid who is eager to learn about his changing body.

2) The collection of late 1970's porn videos belonging to your friend's dad that he kept in the top of his closet. At first this would seem like a good option for porn watching, until you consider the prospect of your friend's parents coming home early from work to find you and another 12 year old boy sitting on the couch watching two overly-pubed people sweating and moaning into the camera in an abandoned warehouse (or some such thing - these are just examples people). Also included in this category are the friend's dad's collection of Playboys stashed in a box in the attic. However, looking at Playboy magazines from 1962 with a flashlight in a 135 degree attic is not as fun as it sounds.

A third option that only receives an honorable mention is the glimpse of porn you get when you tune the sattelite receiver in between two dirty stations and you get static-filled, black and white, no sound images of some sort of body movement, possibly involving intercourse.

Kids today have shit tons of porn available at a moment's notice. If you google "pussy" you get 55.7 million hits. 55 million! It's just not fair. Do you know how badly I wished to see vaginas when I was a kid? Hell, I bet half of all high schooler's iPods are filled to the brim with porn videos today. Not Fair. Now, according to Fox News, they are even getting porn on school computers during class. The teacher thought it was a Star Wars video. My Ass. That is because he labeled all of his porn collection with movie names so his wife wouldn't find them.

Damn those lucky little bastard kids and their prolific porn watching.

Of course, for the rest of their lives those kids will have a whole new meaning for "Use the Force, Luke."

Or maybe it is, "Show Me Your Force, Luke!"

(or possibly, "Your Force is So Big, Luke!")


TK said...

You forgot squinting at the lingerie section of the Sears catalog.

Garrett Reid said...

You're so right. That Playtex 18 hour girdle was so hot.

elyse the portuguese said...

Funny you mention kids accessing porn. There is a huge lawsuit going on in my town right now because of that. Some 5th graders typed in "sex machine" at school and were cruising some porn site. Kid goes home and tells his dad (idiot.) The dad goes and complains to the Superintendent. Superintendent releases a letter to the region including the kid's name, like an asshole. End result? 1 million dollar lawsuit.

mindy said...

I'm terrified for what these kids will be like when they grow up. Bigger douchebags than today's 30-something men? It's frightening. It really is.

TK said...

Mindy - HEY! You calling me a douchebag?

Actually... I'm cool with that.

Sorry, Garrett. I know you hate it when commenters address each other instead of you. I hate to see you pout.

mindy said...

TK: Garrett is a big pouter isn't he? POUTER!

Irish and Jew said...

Lucky little bastards.

How come it was always the friend's dads who had porn. Maybe my father is really too catholic for porn. Yikes.


Garrett Reid said...

Elyse: There is always some kid who tells his dad. Why is that?

Mindy: You think so highly of me, don't you? I think you are looking at it all wrong though. Today's fifth grader is your future boy toy (10-12 years from now). Ten years from now, that kid is going to have some serious sex education as his background, and you'll thank the Internet Porn Gods for teaching him.

TK: I don't mind cross commenting, as long as it is not DmbMeg doing it.

Mindy: Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Irish: My father never had the porn either (that I know of), but that is because he is too Southern Baptist for it.

fear.of.landing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fear.of.landing said...

With so much easy access to the porn they will probably be all burned out on it by the time they are grown up. Some one will flash them and they'll be all like, "meh whatever"

stephen said...

That's the sole reason I have a subscription to Playboy. So my son can "find" them later and be the coolest kid on the block.

Well, that and the articles.

kelsi said...

i think i'm with fear of landing on this one. that, or they'll just have to find REALLY twisted ways to express their sexuality.
good thing that in the future, the only sex will be cyber. less damage that way.

MsPuddin said...

And these kids just stumble on it too, don’t they? Why do I have to register or go to some dirty porn shop to purchase porn? Why can't it just fall into MY lap? wtf