Friday, August 25, 2006

Good Luck and Good Night

I have a theory that good luck and bad luck occur in cycles - much like the phases of the moon or that thing that happens to women's vaginas every month. Basically, the theory goes like this - when you are up you are up, and when you are down. . . well you get the gist of it. I have been on a down cycle for about 2 years (approx.) During these past two years my car broke down on the side of the road three times, I have had the flu four times, I got evicted from my apartment, I "accidently" caused a hooker to OD, and my dog died of a rare genetic disorder that generally only affects cats (damn the irony).

Anyway - back to my theory. This week - good luck started rolling in. I got a raise! I am now the proud owner of an extra 50 dollars a month. Hello strippers and triple X pay-per-view. (If only it were $75 I could afford both at the same time - although I don't know if my heart could take the bliss). Second, it turns out the DA's office is not going to file charges. I have been advised by my lawyer not to talk about it, but let me just say that the bastard got what was coming to him and I'll be damned if I am going to let "society" tell me what I can and can't do in the privacy of my own bedroom. Third, and I know you are going to think these things are made up when you hear this one - my credit card is sending me a refund check - saying I overpaid my balance. I am certain this has never happened in the history of the modern free market economic system. Needless to say I will find something entirely self-destructive to do with that money. Perhaps I should use the money to hire a mercenary that can track down the bastards from the credit card company that have been on a steady campaign to ruin my credit and my life for the last five years. I don't have proof of this yet, but I believe they are even calling ex-girlfriends of mine to gossip with them about what a low-life I am. Fuckers. I will get even. Even if it ruins both my credit and my life. I will get even.

Back to the theory. When something goes up - it usually goes back down. With me it usually goes back down within 1-2 minutes and way, way before anyone is "satisfied". So, I have had three good things happen to me. That is usually the limit. The last good luck streak was in July 22-28, 2004 when I won $20 from the lottery and got a blow job in the same week. That never happened before, and will probably never happen again. (I mean the blow job part, not the lottery part - winning lotteries is easy - getting blow jobs, well, the odds are against you by far) Now we can expect a fall so great that I will be lucky to survive with all four limbs. I predict impotence, death or mental retardation (of course I am about half way there on each already).

If I am alive - expect another post soon. All my love. . .

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