Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Post About My Job

I haven’t written much about my job on here. This is because my job could be written about in two sentences or less. I have one of those jobs most people dream about. Not in the super-star actor or professional golfer kind of dream. Rather, I make a lot of money and do very, very little. I once took a two week vacation, and when I came back I had no voice mails, an inbox with only spam, and no work on my desk. I decided then and there I could never do that again. If people noticed that this place could function the same without me here, then I would be out of a job. I go to meetings every day about important things, and I spend the meeting scribbling three dimensional boxes on my notepad. My standard answer when asked a question about something in the meeting is to say, “I agree. I agree totally. I think we should put together a committee to look at this item in much more detail.” This is what my graduate degree has done for me.

Okay, I realize that was longer than a two sentence description of my job. Give me break people, and quit harassing me. Assholes.

So today, my standard comment backfired on me. My boss put me in charge of the committee. Can you believe it? When we left the meeting I asked if I get extra pay for having to be in charge of something. He laughed like I was joking. The thing about this job is that everyone loves me. I mean really, really loves me. I don’t know why. I have done nothing to deserve it. Mostly, I smile a lot, tell the secretaries they are doing a good job, and tell jokes at appropriate and opportune moments. I counter this good stuff with things like leaving every day for an hour and a half sometime between 2-4. Usually, I take a poop break for about 20 minutes. Then I go downstairs to the newspaper/book store and rummage through magazines like Stuff and Maxim for about 30 minutes. Then I walk around the block slowly as if I am out for a Sunday stroll. It is the highlight of my day. Well, that and when the assistant from the Fourteenth floor brings me something to my office. (One day I’ll think I’ll respond to her statement of, “here is the package from accounting” with a lovely, “close the door behind you, and I’ll show you a package of my own.” - However, getting fired for sexual harassment doesn’t seem like a good “career” move.)

I am now in charge of a committee looking into a $750,000 project. There will be 15 other “team” members, and we were asked to meet weekly for the next 3 months. I need a Xanax (and some liquor to wash it down with). God help me.

No comments: