Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Toothpaste and Socks

I noticed something last night. I had to go out to my local Wal-Mart to pick up a tube of toothpaste and a pair of black socks. That is, by the way, the beauty of the Wal-Mart. You can get just about any combination of “stuff.” I bet the cash register girls just have tons of fun telling their husbands (after they get home from their job holding those little orange “slow” signs on the side of construction projects) about the interesting combinations. For example,

Register Girl - “Hey Billy! You ain’t never gonna guess what I beeped in this afternoon!”
Orange Sign Guy - “Bitch! Tell me after I’m done with my fuckin’ quarter pounder!”

20 minutes later

Register Girl - “Okay Billy! Listen to this. This girl comes up to my register. She totally looks just like that Jessica Simpson. I just hate that fuckin’ Nick Lachey for what he did to that poor girl. Anyway, this Jessica girl bought herself some Preparation H and a pink lace bra! Can you believe it? I wanted to say to her ‘Girl, you ain’t gonna be needin’ no pink lace bra to show off to no man with those hemorrhoids comin’ outta your ass!’”

Orange Sign Guy - “Was she hot?”

And . . . scene.

So the point - I was there buying stuff. I wish I could write that I had to buy cooler stuff like a new drill bit and a 72 pack of Trojans, but I just needed the toothpaste and socks.

None of this is what I wanted to write about. I noticed there is no one in the store who has any money. Seriously. Where do rich people buy their toothpaste? Do they go at some special time? Is there an upscale version of Wal-Mart? Do they have happy hour for people with gross annual incomes of greater than $150,000? I am not talking about the super rich people that have maids and butlers and what not. I am talking about the average very-well-off-guy. Where are those people? I just don’t get it. I bet there were only 10 people in the whole store with all of their teeth.

Is Target where I should be going? K-Mart? Is there some trendy little place where you buy hair gel and a fishing pole at the same time? What if you need a gallon of milk and a tire iron? I don’t care where I go exactly. As long as I can buy my toothpaste without standing in line behind a 17-year-old girl and her boy-friend/husband/baby’s daddy, with their two screaming kids, while they buy a 30 pack of Miller High Life, a US Weekly magazine, a pack of “smokes,” and some formula. God help me.

1 comment:

Anne said...

Target is totally the place to go. Its a sparklingly clean version of W-mart. I dont know where you are in Dallas..but there is a super sweet new Walmart at the N Tollway and Parker. It is for the richer Plano crowd and it is nice...very Central Market-esq.