Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Oh Baby, Baby

For those lucky few citizens who read the last post, thank you for your many thoughts and prayers. After I wrote that post, the Coors sightings stopped. I think they figured out that I was on to them, and ceased their scandalous activity. I am safe for now.

Now our attention turns to the biggest news of yesterday. Britney and K-Fed .

To K-Fed: I’m sorry, yo! I didn’t mean for mine and Britney’s relationship to interfere with your marriage. After all, it is purely sexual. What can I say, she likes to get herself some of this, yo! She just likes to play, “pet the magic monkey” a lot. I’m sorry that she told me you have an unusually small penis, and oblong-shaped testicles. In conclusion, keep it real, yo. Keep rappin’

The best part of Britney/K-Fed news is the story headlines they come up with. My favorite so far: “K-Fed is Now Fed-ex After Britney Files for Divorce.” Simply hilarious.

Also fun to observe is the different treatment the divorce of Brit/K-Fed gets from the Reese/Ryan split. When you tell people about Reese/Ryan, they give a little tilt of the head, a little sigh and say something like, “I always liked those two, I thought they would go the distance.” The reality is that they did go the distance, but only by Hollywood standards. The stayed together long enough to create little blond-headed babies who would grow up to be Oscar winners. Isn’t that what life is all about anyway - creating other beautiful people so that we have someone to leave our money to besides charities, homeless people and starving china-people. So when I broke the news to my secretary about Britney/K-Fed, her exact words were, “It is about damn time, she should have kicked him to the curb a long time ago.” When I told her that I saw this article saying that K-Fed may have found out by text message, she laughed gleefully. Actual glee! That women hates the K-Fed. I just feel sorry for him. It must be tough to go through life with oblong-shaped testicles.

I am not really certain, but I think texting your spouse to tell him he will now be poor and divorced has to be the saddest thing possible. Apparently he had no idea since a few hours before the divorce was announced he was quoted as saying, “I've been away from the kids for like a week right now. It's killing me inside, you know, but, baby, I'll be home soon [yo]” That really has to hurt. I don’t know if you know anything about lawyers, but it usually takes them longer than a couple of hours to draft the necessary paperwork, etc. Britney probably had those lawyers draft a set of divorce papers to keep on file, just in case. She had her lawyer on speed-dial and as soon as K-Fed pissed her off, she had a lawyer on the way to the court house. My guess is that she had the papers drafted when she heard the rap album. I mean, if I had a spouse, and she started rapping, I would hire a lawyer too. Who wouldn't?

Well folks, you have once again wasted some time reading this pointless stuff. I can’t believe I just wrote over 500 words about Britney. Pathetic and sad. Please forgive.


Kristin said...

You realize you've endangered your life again, right? FedEx is going to sic the CIA on you now for comparing their company to some trailer-trash parasite, even if it is quasi funny. They are going to FedEx you to Exile Island and then you'll be voted off the island.

Anne said...

I have done some serious Brit bashing..especially after that interview. But now I just really want her to get her shit straightened out and make a fabulous comeback just because it will make KFed jealous. I dont know why I hate him so bad. Maybe it was that one picture of him where he was wearing tube socks and flip flops..that might have done it.

always kris said...

Did you see the skit on SNL last night? lol You are so funny. I love your blog.

always kris said...

oh and I think she had to text him about the D because she had no idea where in the hell he was!

Garrett Reid said...

Kristin: Thanks for calling my post "quasi funny" Very kind, very kind. I haven't noticed any Fed Ex trucks around my house, and I would notice that because nobody ever sends me anything. It is so sad.

Anne: Hatred of Brit and K-Fed defies explanation. We don't know why it occurs. Government scientists have actually been trying to figure it out for years. Bur really, who wouldn't hate someone in tube socks and flip flops? Hope you are feeling well.

Kris: I DID see SNL that night. One of the best episodes in a long time. Thanks for loving the blog, and more importantly, saying I am funny. I love you now.

Also Kris: I heard the latest is that she wasn't texting him about the divorce, he didn't find out about it until he saw it on TV. Awesome. I don't know which is worse. Jay Leno telling you your wife is divorcing you, or getting a text message that you are going to be poor and wifeless.