Friday, November 03, 2006

Danger!

I may be in a small amount of trouble. Well, to be honest I don’t know how "small" the trouble is. My life may be in danger. I want to tell you all because, um, I don’t have anyone else to tell. I think the Coors Brewing Company may be out to get me.

On Tuesday I posted a little bit about me drinking a Coors Banquet Beer. (It is, after all, like a banquet in your mouth). Within the hour, there was a hit on my blog. I notice the hit because, well, when they come in ones and twos by the day, you tend to notice them. This one especially caught my eye. The location was Golden, Colorado. If you are not familiar with the glorious city of Golden it lies at the mouth of Clear Creek at the edge of the foothills of the Front Range. It was founded on June 16, 1859 and named for Thomas L. Golden. (I just stole that directly from Wikipedia). Golden is known for being the home of the world’s fifth largest brewing company, Coors Brewing Company.

When I saw the City of Golden on sitemeter, I got excited. "What a coincidence!" my naive, silly self thought to. . . uh. . . myself. Then when I clicked on the statistic, I became concerned. The ISP was from Coors Brewing Company. Obviously, they have some kind of sophisticated software that allows their spies to see when anyone on the entire internets types the word "Coors." I was concerned at the sophistication and technology being employed by Coors, but this concern had not yet reached the level of fear.

I am just a worthless blog guy. I have nothing to offer to the world, and the words I type mean little to anyone, especially since they are read by so few. Why would the world’s fifth largest brewing company care what I have to say about one of their products? Unfortunately, I may never discovery the answer to this dark secret. When I left the office yesterday and entered my car in the parking garage, I noticed the unmistakable scent of hops. Surely you are familiar with what hops are. Hops come from the flowers of Humulus lupulus, and contain several characteristics very favorable to beer: (a) hops contribute a bitterness that balances the sweetness of the malt, (b) hops can contribute aromas that are flowery, citrus, fruity or herbal and, (c) hops have an antibiotic effect that favors the activity of brewer's yeast over less desirable microorganisms. While hop plants are grown by farmers all around the world in many different varieties, there is no major commercial use for hops other than in beer. (I also stole that from Wikipedia).

Did you hear that people? No other use, other than beer. I’m fucked.

So then I get home and I see a white van parked near my house. I swear to god it had a refrigeration unit on top, like someone that is transporting beer might have. Got to keep that stuff cold, you know. The van was parked there for about 20 minutes after I got home, and then drove away and out of the neighborhood. I couldn’t see anyone inside the van from my angle, but I suspect it was a Coors operative. I have now stopped logging on the internet from home and stopped talking on the phone because I suspect that my computer and phone line may be bugged.

There is little say now. I am probably endangering my life by writing this to you, but I love you. I feel I must share this with you, lest anything undesirable occur. May God have mercy on my soul. If I am back with another post later, just ignore this stupid little rant. If not, tell the world my story.

11 comments:

Kristin said...

I have the same fear! I posted about the weather and Environment Canada showed up!

Anonymous said...

Can you write me into your last will and testament immediately? Because I think you're screwed, man...

view from the other side said...

story? you have a story?

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Don't overreact. Maybe they just want to thank you for the coverage and gift you with some delicious beer.

Once I went on the Coors Brewery Tour in Golden. That was some amazing beer. Best brunch ever.

Garrett Reid said...

Kristin: Our fear is legitimate. My new theory is that the CIA gave the information to Coors. Also, I am not sure what "Environment Canada" is since I don't speak Canadian or understand fancy Canadian-like terminology.

Sadie: I can write you in, but all you may get is worn-out boxer shorts, a collection of Star Wars action figures (mostly featuring Jar Jar Binks) and an old bottle of ketchup. I don't own much. I like it when you say "screwed" though.

View: Of course I have a story. It consists of exactly what the world has been reading here for the last couple of months. Pretty interesting, huh?

Lover: A gift of beer. Can you get any better than that? My dad gave me six-pack for Christmas once, but my mom made me give it back since I was only 15. I didn't really want it anyway since it was Natural Light. Can I go with you next time you go to Golden, I would love to see that place. It was the birthplace of the jolly rancher, you know.

Kristin said...

Well in Canada eh?, we have like, the weather eh? and the weather is monitored by these hosers eh? that tell the weather dudes what is gonna happen eh? and those dudes work for Environment Canada eh?

Ya hoser ;-)

Garrett Reid said...

Kristin: Well said, well said. I had to look up "hoser" on Urban Dictionary: Canadian term popularized by the McKenzie brothers referring to someone clumsy or stupid who drinks beer excessively, e.g., "You hoser, eh!"

What a perfectly apt term for me.

Kristin said...

Here ya go...

http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Underground/6756/gwn.htm


Take off eh!

Kristin said...

Now who's the hoser? Lemme see if I can fix this so it appears properly...

http://www.geocities.com/
SunsetStrip/Underground/
6756/gwn.htm

Hopefully that works

Sanjay said...

He is very danger man I think his screwed man.

Sanjay said...

Can you get any better than that My dad gave me six pack for Christmas once.