Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Beware of Women in Skirts!

Check out this article.

This is scary stuff. “Women dress to impress when they are at their most fertile.” I don’t know about you, but I am now avoiding all women dressed in sexy attire, because, according to cnn.com, they may be unintentionally trying to get themselves impregnated. “They tend to put on skirts. . . and dress more fashionably.” So when you are out walking around today, if you see a “sexy lady” out and about, beware! She is trying, desperately, to get knocked up. Signs that a woman may be on the hunt for your sperm: (according to cnn.com) 1) She is “dressed to impress,” 2) “more fashionable” clothing, 3) flashy jewelry, 4) skirts, and 5) showing some skin. Avoid fashionable women in jewelry at all costs.

Who funds this research? What is going on in the world today? Teams of researchers hired a panel of men and women to look at photographs of young college women in an attempt to ascertain if those college women were ovulating based solely upon their fashion choices? Am I alone in saying, “WHAT THE FUCK?” Is this study going to do anyone any good? I know there is that one couple out there who is struggling to get pregnant, and they just can’t seem to determine when the missus is ovulating. One day she will wake up, slip on a skirt that is above the knee, pick out the cubic zirconium ring, and, in a moment of divine realization say to herself, “Fucking A! I’m ovulating! Lets Fuck!” (Or more likely since it is the woman saying it - “lets make sweet love and conceive a child to bless us. ”)

In other news, I am not going to any Halloween parties this year. I am not dressing up, and I will not be trying to bed a slutty nurse dressed up as a slutty nurse. I don’t celebrate Halloween because it is a pagan holiday honoring Satan. Instead, I will stay at home, watch the Charlie Brown Halloween Special (I wonder if the Great Pumpkin will be seen this year?) and read the Bible.

Actually, I will be handing out candy to those Trick-or-Treaters that come to my door. I will be dressing as Guy Drinking Can of Coors Banquet Beer Handing Out Fun Size Snickers. What is ideal about Coors Banquet Beer and Snickers is that they both really satisfy. However, only one of them satisfies intense feelings of loneliness and self-loathing.

Happy Halloween everyone! Remember to have your parents check your candy for needles.

10 comments:

Anne said...

*whew* Im safe..looking down at my khakis and completely nondescript sweater. Nothing remotely fertile about me today.

Garrett Reid said...

Good for you Anne! Remember: bling, bling = eggs on the move!

view from the other side said...

How to turn your bling into cold hard cash!
http://www.womannotincluded.com/

A Lover and a Fighter said...

I didn't bother to read the article. But is the writer assuming that all women feel their sexiest in short skirts and all their bling?

I feel sexy in my bear tooth necklace and buttless chaps. But that's just me.

Also, what do men don when they feel like daddying it up?

I just have so many questions. And at least three of them are about the comment concerning womennotincluded.

Anonymous said...

I've been dressing sexy a lot lately, but mostly cause I'm horny. I will start tracking my "sexy dress" days to see if they line up with my fertile days. Woo! Something to occupy my time...

view from the other side said...

opinions expressed by the authors and creators of womannotincluded.com are solely those of the authors and do not in any way reflect the views of this poster.

besides, the damn french made me do it.

When I want some, I usually change my tshirt and boxers. Never works, but that is what i do.

Garrett Reid said...

View: I don't get it. Nothing at that site. I know I am easily confused, and a little drunk right now, but I don't get it.

L & F: I think you are correct in what you say the writer is assuming, or at least the writer is assuming that women think MEN find them sexiest in short skirts and bling, thereby attracting the penis. Also, it is so coincidental that you mention your sexy attire, because I too feel sexiest in my buttless chaps. However, sadly for me, I don't own a bear tooth necklace. I would pay great sums of money ($10 - $20) to see such a striking combination.

Sadie: Thanks for leaving a comment. I had no idea that women actually get horny. Has that happened before? Does this occur in other females? If so, I need to meet me one of these "horny" women. That would rock. Maybe then, sex without getting on my knees and begging would be a possibility. (Although I would still get on my knees, IF you know what I mean).

view from the other side said...

ok, here are the dots and the lines...

women in bling = eggs on the move

eggs on the move = cash from selling aformentioned eggs

therefore... (follow closely)

women in bling = cash!

Kristin said...

I'm sober and the dots that View connected are rather crooked. But I wonder if they took into account women who wear their bling every day? And strippers/prostitutes and the generally promiscuous? Gawd if -I- pose these questions, can you imagine how much more funding will be required to continue the research? I best stop asking.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Methinks View just made a blanket threat to the well being and integrity of the eggs of poor defenseless scantily clad ladies everywhere.

And I for one do not appreciate it.

View, sell your OWN eggs. Mine are being auctioned at Sotheby's.