Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Another Not Funny, Boring Post About Work.

1. “That is the dumbest idea I have ever heard.”

2. “Did you even read the article?”

3. “It sounds like you need to research this a little before you talk to anyone about it.”

4. “Next time, think things through before you come in to my office and talk to me.”

5. “What the fuck are you even talking about? You are not even making sense.”

6. “You are staring at me like you are confused. Do you need to go to your office and think about what I said, and then come back so we can finish talking?”

7. “We don’t pay you to write memos, we pay to you analyze a subject and give us your opinion.”

8. “This memo includes way too much detail. The CEO doesn’t want to read this much. Shorten your memo to be a summary of the subject.”

9. “Did you even read your own memo before you brought it in to me?”

These are all things that were said to me in a five minute meeting I had with my boss this morning. Last Thursday, I was asked to provide a memo to him on a particular topic. I spent exactly 31.7 hours researching the subject matter and then drafting a 12 page memorandum on the subject. The memo was broken down into 4 subparts, and 2 of those subparts had 2 sub-subparts each. At the end of my memo, I provided a page and a half of opinion regarding the course of action the company should follow given what my research revealed.

I dropped the memo in my boss’ office at 10:00 a.m. this morning. At 10:15 he called me in to discuss it. I guess he is fast to be able to read the 12 pages and analyze them so quickly.

Now I am back in my office with the daunting task of interpreting what my boss said to me and converting that into a actual changes to the memo. Given the fact that the memo was exactly what he asked me to do in the first place, and two other people from my office read it last night and characterized it as “excellent.” I am not sure where to go from here.

Since I couldn’t respond to the torrent of profanities coming towards me from my boss, and did not want to risk my job by pointing out what an idiot he is - I will provide my replies for your reading pleasure. (And yes I realize that blogs bitching about work are really dull - and a little stupid. I am probably 10 minutes away from being fired. Fuck it.)

Refer to the numbering system at the top of this post:

1. I am sorry you feel that way. My idea is pretty much the only option the company has, unless it wants to get sued for millions. The research is clear.

2. Yes, asshole. If you would read page three of the memo, I spent three paragraphs discussing the article and providing my thoughts about why it does not apply. I am sorry that your cursory review of both the article and my memo do not reconcile with your non-researched “gut” feeling about the proper course to take.

3. Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? That is what the 12 page memo is. My fucking research. How clearer can it be? The first fucking sentence of the memo says, “my research reveals. . .”

4. Think things through? I spent four days thinking about this. I worked for 8 hours on Sunday thinking about this. Your telling me to think about things makes me want to jab this gold-plated letter opener into your jugular.

5. I am talking about everything that is on page 5. I am talking about what the law is. Have you heard of a statute? It is sometimes referred to as a “law.” These “laws” control what the members of our society can and cannot do. Sometimes, if companies break the law, they can get sued. Lawsuits are things companies don’t like. They cost money. Stop rambling about this nonsense and fucking listen to what I am saying. Read the fucking memo.

6. This is not a confused look. I am wondering how quickly I can get over your desk to stab this gold-plated letter opener into your jugular.

7. Jesus Christ. That is what a memo is. My research and opinions in written form. Would you rather I had a dramatic reading of my research at 3:00 in the West Auditorium. Maybe I could find a drummer and trumpet player, and recite my research in the form of a beat poet like Mike Myers in So I Married an Axe Murderer.

8. Those things on the bookshelf in the library. That is the subject matter. The memo is the summary of what is in those books. Now you want a summary of the summary. How about I draw it in crayon.

9. Well considering the fact that I wrote it - typed it myself even - yes I read the memo that I wrote. Then I had two other people in the office read it and let me know of any mistakes or gaps in my logic. Then I ran Grammatik and Spell Checker. Then last night I proof read it three times. Did you notice something specific or were you being an asshole just for the fucking fun of it?

The sad part about all of this - It is just another day in the office. That is actually part of my job description. Another of my bosses told me once: “We pay you a lot of money to take shit from us.” So there you have it.

Disclaimer: None of this really happened. Any similarities between this story and actual events is purely coincidental. I don’t even have a boss. My name is not Garrett. I have never had a meeting with anyone. I don’t even know how to use the computer. What is this “memo” of which you speak? If anyone in my place of employment finds this, it is obviously a libelous attempt to sabotage my job by one of my co-workers. Probably Jim. That fucker.


Anonymous said...

Garrett, I thought 7 and 8 were my favorite...until I got to the disclaimer. Spoken like a true lawyer. Once again I am laughing my ass off! Thanks :) Lily

Garrett Reid said...

Thanks Lily - I am happy to hear that you like 7 and 8. It shows that - on my blog, as in life, I start slow and climax early. Have a nice day.

the girl also blogs said...

I don't know how you put up with that without talking back.

I would bet that all you have to do is cut it down ridiculously - 3 pages, no discussion, just courses of action - and you'll get ridiculous praise. They just don't want to have to bother reading 12 pages of recommendations they don't want to hear.

Garrett Reid said...

Blogger That is Also a Girl: I have been through that one before too. If you do the short memo, then you get: "Where is your analysis? We don't just want your conclusions, we need to know how you reached those conclusions and cite your supporting research." The lesson: I can never win. Don't you envy me?

A Lover and a Fighter said...

You should keep the first page and the last page and fill the middle pages with xeroxes of your butt, and then resubmit it. When you hand it in, you should lean in conspiratorially and say "I think you'll find it a BIT more intriguing this time around" and give a big old slow sexy wink.

Your career will skyrocket.

Garrett Reid said...

L&F - I might just try that one. I happen to keep extra Xeroxes of my butt in my desk, just in case such a remedy is called for.

Joie de Vivre said...

Jim is a fucker, but not as much as your boss. What a cock!

Loving L&F's recommendation .. almost the only course of action?

Take some holiday and come to nz, i need me some good memo writing, oh yes.

Garrett Reid said...

Joie: Was that a formal invitation? You may not need me to come all the way to NZ to see a Xerox of my ass, because L&F gave me a superb idea for my next Christmas Card to all of my blogging friends.

Kristin said...

Oh wow, you work for the same Fortune 500 that I used to. I got smart though, I quit. But I am looking forward to the aforementioned Christmas card.

Joie de Vivre said...

its easy to make christmas card promises in january G. does this mean i have to read you for the next 11 months. fuck.