Sunday, January 14, 2007

Something Weird Happened to Me at Work on Friday.

Something weird happened to me at work on Friday. (Don’t you just love it when the title of the post is the same as the first sentence? It meas: “This guy is not fucking around - something weird really did happen to him on Friday, and, by God, I had better listen up!” Only you should know that the weird thing was not REALLY that weird, just moderately weird, and this story is not that good.) I had a meeting in the next building over from mine. So at 3 o’clock I take a little stroll on over. The waiting area is fairly large with two couches, a coffee table and two chairs. There are magazines strewn about the end tables and such. There is also a large desk with a receptionist sitting behind it. The receptionist is very hot. This, my little friends, is where things get weird.

I announce myself and the subject of my meeting to the hot receptionist. I am terrible at describing how someone looks, but because I love you and want you to be happy, I will give it a shot. She was about 5'6 or so, with short dark hair. Her hair was not so short as to be the spikey/lesbian kind of hair, nor was it long enough to be called shoulder length or anything similar. When she looked down at her keyboard, it hung about her face, but it seemed to magically stay far away enough from her face that it did not necessitate her brushing it back constantly. That's it - she had magic hair. Short, dark, magic hair. She was wearing a black shirt and black skirt. The shirt, however, was very low cut to reveal a significant amount of cleavage. This little detail made me ever so happy. I would describe her look as a 50s’ retro hipster look. With her skirt, she wore bright red heels. After I announced myself to her, she dialed the appropriate person and asked if I would like to have a seat. I did like to have a seat. So I sat.

Upon sitting, the hot receptionist comes over to where I was sitting, ostensibly for the purpose of straightening the magazines. She says something about the weather, I respond with a joke. She asks if I like working for my company. She tells me she is going to school at night to be a court reporter. I tell her I know a court reporter and she likes her job very much. She asks where I went to school. She sits down on the chair adjacent to my couch. Things are going very well for our hero (me). Then she tells me that she was “hoping to go to a movie tonight.” I take this as my cue, and think of how best to ask her out. Her next statement was: “Hey, you’ve probably seen it already, what did you think of that movie ‘Brokeback Mountain?' It is on cable tonight."

I was already thinking of what breakfast I was going to make her the next morning. I was mentally taking inventory of prophylactics in my home. I was already trying to decide which boxer shorts are my “sexiest.” I had already sized her up to see what sexual positions she might be interested in. (Just and aside - I determined that a 25 year-old hipster would be interested in the majority of sexual positions that I could accomplish - and would likely teach me three more). She then asked me what my thoughts were on the most well-known gay movie of all time. She also added, “hey, you’ve probably seen it already.” I can only assume that she assumed that I am a gay person.

I, of course, realize that not everyone who watched Brokeback Mountain is gay. However, I cannot imagine a circumstance where a single girl would ask a single straight man about Brokeback Mountain. Unless I saw it on HBO when would I have seen Brokeback Mountain? It is not really much of a "date movie." I couldn't go and see it with another guy. (As another aside - I did watch it on HBO and thought it to be an okay movie - except for the part where the one gay cowboy spits into his hand and, presumably, wipes it on his gay cowboy penis before giving it to the other gay cowboy. That part just made me a little queasy.)

So I am not sure what happened there. However, I did spend the rest of the afternoon asking co-workers, “Do I seem gay to you?” or “Do I have a gay-vibe” or “Do you think these shoes are ‘gay shoes?’”

I don’t really have a problem with someone thinking I am gay, with two exceptions:

1) If women I think are hot think I am gay, this is not a good situation for getting me some action.
2) If some women think I am gay, then surely some gay men must also think I am gay, and no gay man has ever asked me out (or even for some gay roadside bathroom sex). Is there some reason I am not attractive to gay men? That kind of pisses me off.

I have no ending for this post. I told her I had not seen the movie. She went back to her desk. I couldn't concentrate the entire meeting because I was thinking about this situation. My co-workers think I am strange (or stranger than they already thought) because I asked them about potential gayness all day.


TK said...

Maybe she was looking to "straighten you out". I think you missed an opportunity.

Also, maybe you were wearing gay shoes.

Joie de Vivre said...

Maybe she was checking whether you were gay? You shoulda told her your delightful take on the cowboy spit and the subsequent nausea and also not worn your gay shoes.

Ace Cowboy said...

I, as well, have never been asked for roadside gay sex by men. That sucks.

dmbmeg said...

everything about this post screams, "I like getting fucked up the ass!". I'm sorry, but it does.

Might as well give up now and start watching the Style Network

Garrett Reid said...

TK - I just knew I should not have bought those purple, suede, sequin running shoes.

Joie - Was that sarcasm? My cowboy spit take was not delightful? Somebody needs to let me know because I was planning on sharing this story at my Tuesday night dinner party.

Ace - What with all of the women who have sought anonymous public sex from me (hundreds) - you would think at least one man would from time to time. I mean, I would most likely decline, but still. . .

Dmbmeg - Way to make a guy feel better here. I have a worry, an insecurity you might say, regarding an encounter with an attractive lady and here you come with your "fucked up the ass" comment. Now I know what is going on - even my writing sounds gay. Great. Just fucking Great. Now I have to figure out how to "hetero-up" my stupid blog.

Anne said...

Maybe she was asking for the group... you know? Maybe you are the topic of discussion of some of her aspiring court-reporter buddies..perhaps they see you walking around and have gossiped among themselves.

(If this is true you either a) look gay or b) seem too good to be true therefore you must be gay)

Seriously..she is probably sitting with her friends right now over wine coolers discussing how "not gay" you are. They are probably doing little gigly high fives and wondering which one of them is going to tap that.

dmbmeg said...

make sure you "hetero up" your comments. they're starting to sound a little light in the loafers as well

Kristin said...

Thats twice in two posts you've been purported to be gay, Garrett.. are you starting to take the hint? ;-)