Wednesday, February 14, 2007

It is Valentine's Day for Fuck's Sake

I don’t know if you have noticed this or not, but today is Valentine’s Day. I know that it is a very cliche thing to say, but this day is pretty f-ing stupid. Valentine’s Day is supposed to be the day that lovers express their love for one another. In theory this is a fine idea. However, we all know that there is only one true way to express your love for another person. That is, having the sexual intercourse with said person (or if you are incapable of intercourse because of a tragic lawn dart accident, a sexual act of some type). So if today were to involve people fucking like mad little rabbits instead of exchanging stupid little cards with one another then I would be perfectly happy with the day.

We (meaning one guy with a blog that very, very few people read and you who has nothing better to do with your life than read a blog that very, very few people read) should do something to better society - by changing up Valentine’s Day. No more cards, gifts, flowers or candy. Only two things are necessary to celebrate Valentine’s Day: 1) a semi-rigid penis 2) a place to put a semi-rigid penis. (If you are a lesbian couple, you are on your own because I am not really certain how lesbians have sex. On a second note, if you are lesbian couple (that may or may not like some man-loving on the side) and want to show me how lesbians have sex, please e-mail me and I will immediately give you my home address and phone number). So everyone spend today skipping out on work and having the sex. I am working to change the world one orgasm at a time.

I also should have mentioned a second way to express your love for another person: very expensive gifts. To truly be a gift demonstrating love, the gift must be over $500. If you can swing that, then you get out of the sex. If you don’t want to spend that, then get to humping.

I asked the ladies around the office and, surprisingly, no one is up for getting a hotel room across the street and spending 12 minutes in sexual bliss. I even offered room service. To console myself, I am taking option two. I am spending over $500 on a gift for myself. Today I will leave work early and go straight to the Best Buy where I will purchase both a Nintendo Wii and a Playstation 3. I couldn’t decide which to buy, so I am just getting both. My evening will be spent trying to reunite Link and Zelda, and then pleasuring myself while listening to Hank Williams’ I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry.

Happy fucking Valentine’s Day.

P.S. If you took my advice and spent the day having the sex, please send me an e-mail or comment letting me know. Also feel free to describe the sex in great detail including, but not limited to, the number of different positions experienced, whether you moaned or screamed, and whether you photographed or video taped the encounter. Peace out.


A Lover and a Fighter said...

Wow. Someone is going to get his period any minute now. Hope you're packin'.

Anonymous said...

As a woman, I totally agree with everything you said! I am sick of this cliche holiday and gifts that come with it that I usually end up throwing away. I would love to spend the day doing nothing but fucking. If you would like my address and phone number I would be happy to meet you at said hotel room.


Jen said...

Are you serious? You'd get a PS3 over a 360?

New Texan said...

Drive down to Las Colinas... I have a hot receptionist who is all alone for V-day.

TK said...

I'll gladly get with the humping as soon as I. get. the. fuck. out. of. this. office.

And no, I will not give you details. I mean, you don't give me details about when you masturbate while crying, do you?

Oh, wait.

Garrett Reid said...

L&F - I have very few rules here at This Blog is Not Funny. Rule #1, we don't talk about menstruation. Well, I have broken that rule several times, so never mind.

Lily - You are a fine example to the rest of the lady-readers who frequent here. They have a lot to learn about how to leave a comment. But you, wow! 1) You totally agree with me. Nice first step to a meaningful, loving relationship. 2) You love to spend the day fucking. I don't really know what you look like, but at this point it doesn't matter. I think I am falling in love with you. 3) You want to meet me and presumably spend several minutes in a frenzy of sweaty fornication. Please e-mail me as soon as possible.

Jen: Why? Do you think the 360 is better? I have never really been an X-box kind of guy. I have always had Nintendos and playsations. Am I making a terrible mistake? I am spending $1000.00 in less than an hour and a half on video games and equipment. Why are you making me doubt myself? Please give me a run down of why the 360 is better.

New Texan: I am totally down with that. 1) How hot is she, and 2) Is she the type to put out on the first date (I am sorry if that offended the honor of your hot receptionist that you are pimping out)

TK: Sometimes I get emotional over the self-love. This doesn't mean that you should refrain from sharing nasty sex details. I only survive by living vicariously through others.

dmbmeg said...

I made Zelda my bitch on a daily basis back in the day. God I miss my NES.

New Texan said...

On the hot scale of 1-10, she is a 12. But she claims to be a "good girl" which is either her way of saying "i am a good girl" or "stop wasting your time by flirting with me you fat, old, decade away from your own prime dickhead."

Garrett Reid said...

Dmbmeg: I still have the original NES, and play it from time to time. There is nothing happier than hearing that stupid theme music again. Go to this site to relive your NES glory days:

New Texan: A hot "good girl" is such a waste. It is sad, really. A hot, rocking body is a terrible thing to waste I always say. I don't think good girls go out with Stars though, do they?

New Texan said...

I think that was the problem... she met him with a friend that dates another Star player (they DO travel in packs!) had some drinks, yadda yadda yadda... and wouldn't go up to his apartment. Now she is upset that he is a "playah."

Let's see... if i were an NHL player, making millions, I probably wouldn't call back anyone who didn't fuck me on command either.

littlewhiteliar said...

I spent Valentine's Day sexless, but with the sexiest man I know. I regressed five years to partner with him on the beer pong table. Then I lost on purpose to get him drunk. I'm basically a Valentine's Day predator at the ripe old age of 25.