Friday, February 23, 2007

Reid's Philosophy of Time Travel, vol. 1

I have been thinking a lot lately about time travel. I know what you are thinking as you sit there at work trying desperately to waste your company’s resources. You are thinking, “why I am wasting my company’s resources by reading what this idiot has to say about time travel?” Well my little friends (and a few mortal enemies) I have a point. It will take me no less than 1000 words to get to that point, but it will happen. Oh yes, it will happen.

Before we get in to the down and dirty (as I like to say). I want to point out that it is 10:57, post meridiem, as I begin writing this thing. So I want you to know the level of dedication that I have to you. I love you and want you to be happy. I know that you haven’t been happy with me because I have been getting some death threats accompanied by pleas to post again. I have also received a few requests to discontinue all efforts at writing this blog, but I assume those people are just kidding around.

Okay folks, back to time travel. I have always been a fan of time travel movies and books. Donnie Darko, Twelve Monkeys, the Back to the Futures, Millennium, etc. I tend to think about these movies much more than necessary. Then I begin thinking about things such as The Grandfather Paradox (if you invent a time machine and go back in time and kill your grandfather you would never be born - so you couldn’t build a time machine - so you couldn’t kill your grandfather - so you still should have been born). The movie The Butterfly Effect is one of the best at demonstrating this paradox. At this point in my thoughts, my mind is usually blown. So I smoke some pot and listen to The Beatles White Album.

Okay, I am working towards the point, give me a little bit of a break here. It is only 11:04 and have some time to kill. So the other night I am watching The Butterfly Effect (even though I have a deep hatred of Ashton Kutcher (or A-Kut as we used to call the fucking pretty boy back in Cedar Rapids)), and it got me to thinking about something of particular relevance to our little discussion here tonight. I went looking for other people that might have written about this subject. However, no one seems to have broached this important scientific question, and because I am scientist (even though I just had to try three times to spell scientist - don’t judge me) I will do it here tonight.

Let us say that you are a 40 year-old married man living in Madison, WI. You got married to your college sorority sweetheart when you were just 22 years old, having just graduated from the University of Wisconsin. (None of these details have anything to do with the point here, I am just giving you some background because that is the kind of thing us serious writers do). So anyway, you are married and you’ve got a couple of little kids running around the back yard in the snow. In your garage you just built a time machine. If that were me, one of the first trips I would take would be to go back in time and observe myself at different times in my life (sort of like A Christmas Carol). Lets just say that on one of these trips you run into a 20 year-old version of your lovely little wife. Being the man you are, you think of a way to get the version of your wife that is 20 years younger into bed. You might come up with a story about how she died at the age of 30 and you came back in time just to see her once more, etc. Basically you say whatever it takes because, well, she is kind of hot. Your future (past) wife is so moved by your love for her, she agrees to do this for you and makes love to you all night long.

So the question is: Is that cheating on your wife? If you go back and sleep with a younger, hotter version of herself, does that count as cheating on the older worn down version? That is kind of close to cheating, right? My guess is - she would be pretty fucking pissed off when you go back to present day and she waiting outside of the time machine in your garage. I bet she would be standing there with a "you fucking, asshole, cocksucking little bastard" look upon her face. But I don’t know that much about women so how would I know.

These kinds of things are never addressed in time travel movies. (Although in Terminator, John Connor did send his best friend Reese back in time so that he could have sex with his mother and become his father - so that shit is weird)

The other thing I would do (and we don’t need to talk about it here because I don’t want you to start thinking I am odd or something) would be to go back in time and find myself. Then I would convince my past self that we did not spend near enough time having mad amounts of sex. Then I and myself would try and drunkenly seduce ladies into threesomes. If you think about it this makes perfect sense. Having a threesome with two guys and one girl is always going to be awkward because there is another naked man there. If there is one person I am comfortable being naked with, it is myself. The added benefit, of course, is that there would be no penis envy because you both have the exact same package. Surely the penis doesn't change too much in 20 years time.

Of course this adds a problem. Remember that crappy movie "Threesome" with one of the Baldwin brothers. During that movie the one guy touches the other guy’s ass during the threesome. The problem: the crossing swords issue. If you accidentally touch your past self’s penis during a threesome does this make you gay? Or since it is really just a past version of your own penis is it just masturbation? I would vote for some pseudo-masturbation definition. These things need to be clearly defined the moment time machines are invented because you don't want to have weird feelings about touching your prior self's penis during a threesome. That kind of thing could really traumatize you.

These are the things that keep me up at night. I only tell you these things because we know each other so well, and I know you won’t think ill of me. It is now 11:27 (I had to break to urinate and get more beer). I’ll leave you with my Top Four Places to Visit if I had a Time Machine (in reverse order).

4) New York City circa 1932 (just to see the place - and get a cup of coffee).

3) New York City, Café Bizarre, to see the Velvet Underground play when Andy Warhol first watched them play, circa 1965.

2) The Beatles playing the Casbah Club, circa 1961.

1) To 10:56 p.m. tonight to write a better post.

Good night and good luck.


dmbmeg said...

you do realize there is a book called the Time Traveller's Wife where the guy travels to different points in time to visit his past/present/futire wife (all the same woman), at various points in both their lives?

ex: 40 yr old husband travels back to visit 13 year old wife

25 year old husband travels foward to visit 40 year old wife.

While the premise sounds really dumb as I write this out, it's actually quite a good book. That is, if you have a uterus.

Anyways, 12 Monkeys is a great flick. Awesome surprise ending, and supports my theory that despite being desparately handsome, Brad Pitt is a great actor.

Garrett Reid said...

Are you kidding me with this book? I can't have one idea that is just mine! The only possible explanation is that the author somehow is a time traveler that read this blog post - went back in time and wrote the book. So screw him and his idea-stealing. But what the hell is he doing with his 13 year old wife? Is this one of those sicko books?

Funny that you mention that about Brad Pitt because I am desperately handsome but only a so-so actor.

dmbmeg said...

I kid you not. I may be ruining part of it, but I doub't you're going to be buying it anytime soon.

Get this. The guy travels back in time when he is like 35, and has sex with his virgin wife at the age of 18.

dmbmeg said...

also just a coincidence?

when brad pitt and jennifer aniston were married, and they bought the rights to this movie, guess who was up for the lead male role? BRAD PITT!

A Lover and a Fighter said...

You don't have to keep up this ruse with the threesomes between you, you, and a lady. We all know that you'd be happier with the you+you situation. Ladies can wait outside. Right?

And meggles. Brad Pitt is one of the worst actors of all time. He's horrific.

stephen said...

Man, time travel is effed up like that. If you went back when you were 40 and boned your wife when she was 18, she would have never hooked up with you in the first place because she would have been in love with the sensitive older man who rocked her world. So she wouldn't have been your wife...

I hurt myself thinking about it. I try to just focus the 18 yr. old female part.

Joie de Vivre said...

Theres no way your hot 20 yr old wife is gonna shag your uggo grey ole 40 year old ass when you go back in time. Give her credit.

i want to know if you are ever late if you have a time machine. theres no fucken excuse really, is there.

littlewhiteliar said...

Damn, I just finally came in here to let my uterus rave about The Time Traveller's Wife. dmbmeg, my uterus salutes yours for its timeliness and good taste. Don't try and picture what that would look like.