Monday, February 12, 2007

Three Quick Things


I was driving down the street yesterday afternoon to pick up a mid-afternoon sushi snack when I saw a sign staked into the ground at the intersection where I was stopped. It read:


I tried to get out my phone to snap a picture, but before I could the light turned green. I am much too lazy to go back out and take a picture, so no picture for you. I also didn’t write down the number or I would most certainly have called yesterday to find out what the diet entails. I can only assume that the diet is for men, and it involves three basic steps. 1) Take a full dosage of Viagra. 2) Wait 30 minutes until fully engorged. 3) Take out the photographs of a nude Madonna (taken at a time when she was hot) **WARNING: LOOKING AT THIS LINK WHILE AT WORK WILL TOTALLY GET YOU FIRED** 4) Beat the holy fucking shit out your penis until you begin to perspire. 5) Rinse and repeat.

It is estimated that a 45 year old man could lose up to 40 pounds in a month simply by wacking it to Madonna’s Sex book.


I hate February. I don’t hate it because of the cold weather, lack of quality holidays, or because of that stupid fucking leap year thing. I hate February because the cursive ‘F’ sucks. Isn’t the point of cursive to join all of the letters together so that writing is quicker and easier? With the ‘F’ you have pick up your pen three times. What a waste of time and energy! Then you have that stupid cross through the middle of the letter. What the hell is going on with that? The print ‘F’ doesn’t make you cross all the way through the letter. It is only a line drawn on one side the letter. The cursive ‘F’ thinks it is so damn good that it has to have some little flag off the back end AND a line all the way through the letter. Fuck that. Don’t even get me started on writing the cursive lower-case ‘b’ into the ‘r’.

The second reason February sucks. What is going on with that fucked up pronunciation? Is it me, or is that ‘r’ in there just wasted. I found this on Wikipedia:
Many people pronounce "February" with a round 'u' instead of an open 'u' vowel, which forces the first 'r' to be eclipsed, viz. 'FEB-yoo-air-ee' instead of 'FEB-roo-air-ee.' That is, it elides into first half of the trailing diphthong. Otherwise, the flanking mid vowel ('e') and back vowel ('u'), combined with the final -ry syllable (front vowel 'ee') make the 'br' difficult for Anglophones to pronounce in the first place. The problem does not usually arise for Scotiaphones, however. The Scottish names for the month are "Feberwary" and "Februar," the latter usually pronounced with a long "ay" vowel in the first syllable.
If you need this much explanation for why the pronunciation is fucked up, it is time to change the name. I propose we do away with February and call the second month “Reid.” It has a great ring to it: January, Reid, March, April. . . etc. As the namesake for Reid I immediately move that two extra days be added to Reid to give it a more significant status. The added benefit is that you will never have to listen to one of those people born on January 29 say, I was born during leap year. . . This year I turn 8 years old! Get it, I am really 32. Get it? You get it? Leap year? Get it?


I am trying to determine how long I can go today without talking to anyone in my office. Non-verbal communication doesn’t count. I nodded to the receptionist when I walked in and she said “good morning!” Since that time I have had no communication whatsoever with anyone here. I wonder if I can make until six without saying a word in this office. I’ll let you know how this goes. I am sure you really care.


Anonymous said...

You have too much time on your hands. Get a life or become a productive member of society.

Garrett Reid said...

um, did you not see that I proposed changing the name of February? That is for the good of all mankind. You can't be much more productive than helping all of mankind. So Anonymous. . . You have a good Reid and peace out.

Punky said...

I support adding two more days - only because for the most part that could give me the potential to have a third paycheque in that month...yes, I spelled it cheque, I am Canadian, blog about how annoying it is that we spell cheque - cheque when talking of our paycheque to differentiate from the "check the box".....
Seems I have too much time on my hands too....

always kris said...

I would venture to say that anyone with a blog has too much time on their hands, hence the reason we write. DUH!

I am curious to know how your non-verbal communication is going...lunch could prove to be the trickiest part of the day.

Garrett Reid said...

Punky - I tried all damn day to think of something funny to say about cheque v. check, but I couldn't come up with anything good. So instead I went searching for a joke about Canada. This was the first I came across:

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

*** I'm pathetic I know. Do you have any pull up there in Canada to get them to change the month of February to Reid? Wait, do you even have February or must you call it Février?

A Lover and a Fighter said...

Do you know that I pronounce it FebROOary, like a big tool, because I am English's bitch? It's true.

Also, do you say sherBET or sherBERT?

Also. People who pronounce it "noo-cue-ler" make me fly in to a rage.

Also. Not that I think this is necessarily true, but here you go:

What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?
The taste.

Garrett Reid said...

Always Kris: The non-talking day failed at the very end. Sometime late in the day a co-worker came in and started up a conversation. The first half of the day I totally did not talk though. I at lunch at my desk, reading blogs. (It was two slices of combination pizza)

L & F - When you say FebROOary, do people look at you like you are an insane person? Because I would. I say Sherbert. Is that wrong? And L & F, when you are leaving comments on my blog you don't have to put disclaimers on your jokes so as not to offend people. Just go ahead and offend. I don't mind.

Punky said...

That's a funny joke...I enjoy it all too's funny 'cause it's true. Dang straight the gov't needs to pay for it, that's what socailism is all for the month, well...I live in Quebec so we use the frenchie term, but the rest of Canada wants Quebec to burn in hell, so they wouldn't dream of saying février. (frenchies don't use capital letters for months)

Punky said...

As for the urine/beer joke, that joke originated as American beer vs. urine..have you tasted Bud? That's nasty.Plus your beer has less alcohol than ours....
Try something other than Blue or Molson, like Moosehead, Keiths, Rickards...that's some good drinkn'. But let's face it, North American Beer pales in comparison to the great Euro beers.

Garrett Reid said...

Punky - I can't believe I messed up that capital F thing. I had a good joke going there, and totally fucked it up. As someone that enjoys all kinds of beer, from Bud Light to Guinness on tap, I can't comment on the urine to beer comparison. I can, however, say that urine, after several beers, still tastes like urine.