Monday, July 09, 2007

Ass Smells

I've been doing some car shopping as of late. I want a used car because 1) I hate car payments, and 2) I'm not a big "car guy" so having a really nice new car is kind of wasted on me. Some used cars - very nice. Others - I just don't get. I got in a car on Saturday that smelled like a mixture of day-old ass and feet (you know those kind of feet that really overweight women have that are all crusty on the heels, cracked, with big yellow toenails). Didn't the salespeople notice the smell when they were getting it ready to sell, hanging those red, white and blue balloons on it and writing on it with huge shoe polish letters? They show it to me, I sit in the driver's seat and get right back out. I really don't need anything else in my life smelling like ass. I already have an ass that smells like ass, and that really does it for me in the ass smelling department.

All of this talk of ass smells makes me think - why do asses have to smell? I guess, technically, asses don't smell any different than the rest of the body. Rather, poop smells. So, why does poop have to smell? If God was really the environmentalist/recycler everyone says he is, then why didn't he make poop smell and taste like strawberry jam, and urine like Grape Kool-Aid. Think of the landfill problems we could alleviate without the need for diapers. Have a baby? You got yourself snack food for the first two years at least. Instead of toilets that flush, you'd just have a nice little seat with the toaster next to it. Wake up, make some coffee, head to the restroom for a nice, healthy, environmentally friendly snack on whole wheat toast.

This post is, my friends, the downside to coming in without a plan. It started out a normal, rational post and devolved into something horrible.

I apologize.


mindy said...

Wow, this was really, really disgusting. I'm eating lunch right now. Thanks.

Garrett Reid said...

Sorry about that. You weren't having toast with strawberry jam were you? If so, that is a very unfortunate coincidence.

Anonymous said...

Yikes. I just linked you to my blog, and may have to reconsider.

It is ingenious that poo smells. It is, literally, the embodiment of all the toxins/poisons that our body rejects after we're done taking everything useful out of what we consume. That we're programmed to think it smells - and to stay away from it - well, ingenious I tell you. Bloody ingenious.

I pass no judgment on fecal/urine fetishists, but clearly, they're not part of the grand design.

Crystal said...

apology unaccepted because apology is unnecessary.

i was charmed and frankly?

now i want toast.

dmbmeg said...

jason took my answer. evolution makes it stink so you don't eat it.

dmbmeg said...

and please update your blogroll. that is, if we are still friends.

the mgmt.

blythe said...

fun fact #27: moraji desai (former prime minister of india) drank his own urine in spite of it not being flavored like grape (or cherry, you know whatever) kool-aid.

dmbmeg said...

urine you can drink, but it doesn't smell putrid.

Garrett Reid said...

Jason: So sorry you may be reconsidering. I'll try and do better in the future. However, they say write what you know, and I guess you could say - I know shit. By the way, are you saying my story may not be scientifically acurate?

Crystal: I like a woman who is charmed so easily.

DmbMeg: Jesus you people know a lot about poop. One mistake though, evolution didn't make poop. God did. I think it was like the 14th day or something. Before that Adam had no where to read magazines.

Blythe: I don't even know what to say now. Write one little poop post and everyone is an expert on human waste. I wonder if he even drank that early morning pee that is really yellow.

DmbMeg 2d: I agree, not putrid, but it doesn't really smell drinkable either. It would probably go down better with a chaser.

Winter said...

What's sad is I can't unread that post.

Snow White said...

I don't know why I didn't comment on this when you first posted it. It reminds me of my one of my favorite Seinfield episodes... the one where the car had BO. I still laugh when I see it... and I laughed at your post. Thanks!