Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The Return of Lisa

This morning I had a talk with Lisa. You remember Lisa don't you? She with the bare-balled fireman husband. I heard from a co-worker the other day that he heard that Lisa and her husband had separated. (Separated seems to be married-code for "taking a break") I kind of knew this was coming because, like I said before, Lisa and her husband seemed to fight a lot. I always suspected it was because Lisa was hot and her husband was a douche. Hot girls and douches always fight a lot - it is a law of nature. I never fight with the ladies because 1) I am not a douche, and 2) The hot girls don't really "go out with me" per se.

After my last talk with Lisa, I began to wonder if they didn't fight all of the time because her husband was secretly gay and/or a porn star (what with the pube shaving and all). There has to something more to his story than a regular douchey guy who likes to shave the hair from his balls and ball-area to look like he is a 10 year old boy scout. I still don't have the answer to what his deal was, but I learned in the comments to the previous post that some women would be just fine with a shorn pubic region, and at least one preferred it. Most, however, seemed to think it was odd and would prefer a just a trim. I wonder if there are any women out there who request it? What would that conversation be like? What would I do if a girl I was seeing asked me to shave everything off? Hell, I guess if a girl was willing to have the sex with me, I'd dye the pubes pink and shave them in the shape of a heart.

This morning, curiosity got the best of me and I waited for Lisa to head for the breakroom. I followed her in, and thankfully, we were the only people in there. I immediately turned on the charming Garrett you all know and love dearly. I said, "Sorry to hear about you and your husband - yeah Mike told me."

She clearly did not want to talk about this with me over a donut and coffee. She replied only, "thanks," and gave a little smile to convey "thanks for bringing it up asshole - I don't want to talk about it." However, I pressed on. I asked her if she was doing okay. Yes, she was. I asked if she needed anything - help moving, etc. No, she didn't. I asked if the split was fairly amicable. Not really she said.

Then I asked what happened. She told me that they fought a lot, and over the dumbest things (no surprise there - damn those hot girls and douches). She said that one day they got into a big fight about where to go to dinner, and they were yelling at each other, and he said he was moving out. He hasn't been back. He sent a friend to get some of his things.

Then, with clearly no sense of the appropriate lead in to this question, I asked, "Do you think he left because he is gay?" As soon as I asked it, I realized there was no appropriate way to ever ask that question. I realized that it was a pretty offensive thing to ask. I realized I looked like a deranged person. She stared at me - with long, slow blinks of her giant eyes. She pursed her lips together and squinted her eyes a bit. As dumb as my question was to her, I could not tell what her immediate reaction meant. Was it anger at me for asking such an inappropriate question, or anger because she actually thought he might be gay?

She looked at me for a couple of seconds, and then I had my answer. "Do you, Garrett, think he is gay? You don't know him - so I would like to know why you think he is gay? Is there some reason, Garrett, that you think I married a gay man, and couldn't tell for these last two years? Why would you ask me that question?"

I immediately retreated. No reason, I said. I was just shocked by it all. Dumb question to ask. I am stupid, and so on. Then I left.

So I tried to get an answer. I was really hoping he left because he came out of the closet to her. Maybe, I thought - she had had him followed after their split to a gay bar where his hairless body was witnessed dancing the night away to the sounds of The Village People. Perhaps she discovered him on the cover of some gay porn in the days following his departure. Why would she be watching gay porn? Why don't women watch gay porn the way men watch girl-on-girl porn? Anyway. . .

I really wish I had the answer to the question of this guy's pubic hairs.


Hellafied said...

Hey, found you by way of Dmbmeg or Don Juan, or whatever psyeudonym she's going by these days.

I thought people only sent "a friend" over to pick up their things during a break-up in the movies.

Hell, as soon as my exes are out the door that shit is up for grabs! Let's just say I've sold a lot of pre-worn Fossil watches on craigslist.

Irish and Jew said...


Screw Lisa... that's what u get for marrying a douche. I really hope there is a follow up to this story.


CJ said...

It's never good when a lady uses your name multiple times in conversation like that...

I have yet to meet a lady who was into the whole... "I want you to look like a pre-pubecent boy." thing.
Maybe he shaves his junk because it's smaller than average, so he chops off the bush to make his situation look larger than it actually is.
who knows.

hellafield: what other shit do you have on craigslist? Not into the fossil watches... maybe some leather bomber jackets?

Hellafied said...

cj: Wish I could help you out. Sadly, none of my exes were cool enough for leather bomber jackets. They were more of the peacoat variety.


blythe said...

lisa sounds pretty sweet. you should totally hit that now that's she's single.

mindy said...

You sound like a real comforting fellow, Garrett!

Erica AP said...

I went out with a guy who I thought was gay... But for some reason he's still dating girls. I swear when he is 45 with 2 kids and a cookie cutter house he will come out.

Jocular Schlemiel said...

I think it is hysterical that you asked her that question. He probably is gay though.

dmbmeg said...

You SO made that shit up about asking her that question.

if I remember correctly, you and a few other people made up DonJuan. So don't be going off like I'm making up nicknames for myself like someone I know....

You like how I use your forum as another way to communicate with Hellafied? Apparently email and IM aren't enough. You aren't the first guy we've used as a forum though, if you know what I mean.

MaryAnne said...

You should have shrugged and said 'He must be gay if he left you... you are gorgeous'. And then after she asked you to shave your balls, she would have slept with you.
Okay. She MIGHT have slept with you. Either way, it would have been a good way to get out of the conversation.

Hellafied said...


"It's me! Gatesy!"

dmbmeg said...

awwwwwwwwwwwww snap!

Garrett Reid said...

Hellafied: Holy Crap - my first hellafied comment. I can't believe this day has finally come. I would guess things might be different in the "sending a friend to pick up things" department when everything the guy owns is with her. That is a metric shit load of stuff to put on Craigslist. By the way, the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist is its only legitimate use - not selling Fossil watches.

Irish: Double Holy Crap - My first Irish of Irish and Jew comment. Who knew that when I started this lowly little blog that one day Irish would leave me a comment? My guess is the follow up will be something along the lines of Lisa gets back with the guy - and I will never learn the secrets of his pube shaving. I hope, though, that they don't get back together so I can, one day, ask her what the hell was his deal with going bare.

CJ: I knew it was not good when she said my name. Why do women do that? And why is everyone talking to Hellafied?

Hellafied 2d: You're doing more commenting on here than I am.

Blythe: I would, but I don't want to shave my pubes.

Mindy: I am a nice guy. Hey - I asked some lead in nice guy questions before I went with the gay questions. What more can I do?

Erica AP: That wasn't me was it? We didn't go out did we?

Jocular: I agree. Has to be gay.

DmbMeg: Why are you always doubting me? You don't think I would ask that question. I thought she would find it a little funny - and maybe even make her feel better that he broke up with her because he is a gay, not because of something she did. I am a fucking humanitarian here.

And it's okay - you can use me as a forum all you want. Especially if you want to talk magic wand masturbation and what not.

Maryanne: That would have been good in retrospect, but I was in full on retreat. I had to get out of there - and I should point out that it wasn't just the balls that this guy shaved - buy everything - 100% no hair.

Hellafied (3d comment): If you two are going to talk - you need to spice it up a bit - none of this, "How are you today" crap.

Garrett Reid said...

Jesus: I am going to have to start doing a whole post just on comment responses - either that or shorten them up a bit.

Garrett Reid said...

DmbMeg: What does that even mean? If you two are going to talk in here - at least talk about your girl parts or something - don't just write nonsense stuff.

dmbmeg said...

I've touched Hellafied's titties...and she liked it. And once she had sex with me passed out in the room.


Garrett Reid said...

Holy God - "once she had sex with me passed out"

Hellafied had sex with you while you were passed out? That kind of thing is usually frowned upon in society - but whatever gets you off I guess.

dmbmeg said...

I just spit out my Diet Coke all over my computer.

Not with me (although I have caught her giving me "the eye" from time to time) but with a guy. I was not involved in any kind of sexin'.

I believe later that weekend she locked me out of our dorm room to pass out in the hallway while she got her sexin' on...again.

I'm waiting for her to read this, and kill me.

CJ said...

dmbmeg- I've been locked out of my dorm room many times, but I was in the opposite situation... the sexin' wasn't happening inside the dorm room as much as it was on the outside of it.
Yeah, those were good drunkin' times.

Fun fact about the University of Oregon dorm rooms: the same guy who designed them, also designed the majority of prisons up and down the west coast...

Snow White said...

Hmmm... I think some guys shave "down there" 'cause they think they're more likely to get,um, a little mouth action? Sorry, I guess I don't have your way with tact. *grin*

Winter said...

I like the idea of it being pink and in the shape of a heart.

HAR said...

"I never fight with the ladies because 1) I am not a douche, and 2) The hot girls don't really "go out with me" per se."
High five.

TK said...

You're psychotic. Who on Earth asks that question? Awesome, man. I'd never do it, but I sure as hell am glad that I know someone who would.

onthevirg said...

That has to be a 985 out of 10 on inappropriate break room banter scale. I applaud your fine work sir. On the plus side, though she may never speak to you again, at least she didn't straight kick you in the nuts.

Anonymous said...

I just found this by reading the blogrolls of people on my blogroll while at work.

I can't believe you actually asked that. Was it one of those immediate regrets where you start wincing right as you start the last word of the question?

kelsi said...

i was going to comment on the post, but then i realized that there's a club here that i'm not part of. :(
nonetheless - i'm totally into breaking into conversations and making everyone all awkward, so - she's clearly waaaaaay too uptight to be dealt with like a human being, if she couldn't shrug off the suggestion that she's been married to a gay guy for the last couple of years.
just sayin'.