Thursday, July 05, 2007

People Ain't No Good

You know what? If there is one simple rule everyone should follow, it is to be more like me. Wrap your mind around that one for just a cotton picking minute. If every person on God's green (but mostly blue) Earth were like me, the world would look a little something like this: There would be no drownings (I know how to swim like a fucking champ), there would be very few wars (how can world leaders disagree on anything when they get together at Camp David over a Rolling Rock and a story about the time I ran across campus with only a sock covering my twigs and berries), people would have blissful sexual fulfillment (I am what you might call "fucktacular" in bed), outrageous haircutting prices would plummet (I get a $15 cut every three weeks and my hair looks like Nick Lachey's wet hair dreams), men would be easier to be around because there would be no penis envy (all men would be delightfully average-sized, but perfectly capable of pleasing a woman as long as the right positions are used), gang violence would become a thing of the past (I don't really like to wear red, hate low sagging pants, and have trouble getting my fingers into gang sign positions), and third world child labor would cease (I haven't purchased clothing at Wal-Mart since that very ill-conceived "Skate or Die" t-shirt in sixth grade). Most importantly, every person on the planet would have a super fantastic sense of humor.

A good example: On Tuesday, a co-worker and I took a walk across the street for a cup of coffee. Well I take that back. I get a cup of coffee, he gets a chai tea latte with soy milk or some some such nonsensical thing. This guy and I used to be good friends, then one day he comes to work in a dark navy pin stripe suit, dark rimmed glasses and blond(er) hair that looks as if he spent the morning hanging from his feet on one of those upside down rack things, while filling his blond tresses with Vavoom. Around this same time, he began ordering Chai Tea Latte's with a copy of the newspaper under his arm. All of this is not the point - just some background before I say: We go get coffee together during the afternoon about three times a week. We used to be okay friends - now we get coffee together three times a week.

Anyway - we usually talk for a few while they make the coffee. This guy tells me all kinds of stories - and I always listen with my eyes squinted intently, my brow furrowed in interest, while I say things like, "wow, they did that?" and "I can't believe your wife would say that to your mother" or "I did not realize you had to shave your balls for a vasectomy."

So Tuesday we are walking out of the coffee shop when a guy walks past me on the sidewalk who looks EXACTLY like Harrison Ford. Well, he was a little taller. Now that I think about it as I sit here, I don't know how tall Harrison Ford is. Okay do this. Imagine Harrison Ford standing on the street in front of you, now imagine a guy 4-6 inches taller than that - that is what this guy looked like. Also, a little thinner than Harrison Ford. But not too much thinner - maybe a little lankier. But nonetheless, exactly like Harrison Ford. It actually could have been him. Or maybe his younger, taller, skinnier brother (this guy looked a few years younger). So the point is - I pass a Harrison Ford look-a-like. As soon as he passes I turn to my friend there, and say "Did you see that guy? He looked EXACTLY like Harrison Ford!?" Notice the exclamation mark. I was very excited about this encounter with a Han Solo clone.

My friend takes a sip of his girl-tea and says, "Hmm. Didn't notice." He didn't even look at him. He didn't try and get a look at the back of his head. He didn't look even look in that direction.

I say, "He really looked a lot like him. I wonder if he hears that a lot. He must because, damn he looked like Harrison Ford."

Mr friend responds with nothing. He just starts walking across the street in his sissy pin stripe suit. The point is: that was supposed to be conversation all the way back to the office. His response was supposed to be something like, "he didn't look THAT much like him" or "well the back of his head looked a little like him" or "I don't know - that guy looks like he would crush a Calista Flockhart vagina. . . What ever happened to that chick. . . Ally McBeal sucked ass hard . . . that hot lesbian was pretty good on the show though." But he did nothing.

Am I crazy here? If someone speaks of a celebrity look-a-like walking down the street you have to look. Everyone looks. Who wouldn't look?

I know this post makes me look boring. That and not funny or well spoken and a not-good writer. What else do people talk about at three in the afternoon on a work day? A guy who looks like the bad ass who played Indiana Jones is much better than talking about how bad your balls hurt after getting a vasectomy.

I need new friends.

7 comments:

dmbmeg said...

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Garrett Reid said...

Dmbmeg: You didn't tell me we were using the new code for comments. According to my translation ". . ." means "You rock, rock." Is that right?

stephen said...

Man people in Starbucks annoy me. How the hell do you ever find out that you like coffe half-caf, double-foam, light sprinkle, mocha, jocha with three splendas, a squirt of raspberry with a cherry on top spin around three times shaken not stirred anyway?

Garrett Reid said...

You know stephen - I had the exact conversation the other day with someone. How do people discover these things? When was the first time they decided it was a good idea to order it? How did they place that order with a straight face. I have a Starbucks (or any coffee place) policy: I only order things on the menu board. Grande Latte, please. What if the same crazy-ordering concept applied to McDonalds. I would like a Big Mac - low fat meat - 1 pickle - light on the sesame seeds - 1 and a half shots of special sauce - in a quarter pounder wrapper.

melissa said...

Seriously, you're so fuckin' hilarious, I'm glad you made a comeback. My work day goes by a little better now....

PS. I would have looked at the Harrison Ford look-a-like.

Garrett Reid said...

Melissa - how nice of you to say. See, I knew there would be others that would look with me. You have given me faith in the people of the most populous province in all of Canada.

Snow White said...

Hmmm... if EVERY person were just like you, wouldn't that make us all males?