Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Virgin Wedding

A couple of Saturdays ago I attended a wedding.

Normally, I have a very strict policy: I do not got to weddings. Exceptions to the strict policy: (1) I will attend a wedding if it is a family member getting married and another family member will make me feel guilty if I don't attend, and (2) I will attend a wedding if I am a guest of someone else, and by attending said wedding there is the slightest possibility that I might get some "action" (if you know what I mean).

Here are three good reasons never to go to weddings: (1) you have to engage in constant small talk with people you don't know ("Yeah, these centerpieces are really nice" or "No, I drove in on 412, saved myself 10 minutes driving time" or "yes, I do think the groom's mother looks like she has been drinking"), (2) you have to attend hundreds of mini-events (beginning with the engagement party and ending with the throwing of bird seed at these people as they cower for cover and dash for a limo. You constantly have some guy telling you what to do and were to be next. "Okay, now it's time to watch the Happy Couple cut the cake!" Then everyone shuffles over to a gigantic cake so they can oooh an aahh while the Happy Couple feed each other tiny little bites of cake). (3) you have to watch someone you know well stand in the front of a large group of people and say mushy things to one another like, "I take you as my friend and love, beside me and apart from me, in laughter and in tears, in conflict and tranquility, asking that you be no other than yourself, loving what I know of you, trusting what I do not know yet, in all the ways that life may find us." (Think about this - if you were at a party and a friend of yours grabbed the hand of his date and said this to her you would punch him right in a gonad without hesitation. (A) no one talks like that, and (B) nobody wants to hear you talk like that if you do) and I don't even want to get into the fact that I never want to stand, smile and clap for a buddy that is tongue kissing his bride in front of her parents.

So, back to the point. A couple of Saturdays ago I attended a wedding. This was the oddest of all that I have been to. It fell within exception number 1 - family wedding. This was my cousin's wedding. She was getting married to a guy that looked remarkably like Bluto from the Popeye cartoons. He had a big thick goatee and was probably 6'5, weighing something just north of a metric fucking-huge. Anyway - something you should know about 98% of my family - they are very, very religious. Like southern baptist kind of religious. Not just southern baptist kind of religious, but "the rapture is coming soon and Jesus will return to carry me to heaven" kind of religious. I hope you can deal with that revelation. I have learned over time to cope, and so can you. I have faith.

I wasn't really sure how religious my cousin was. The wedding was held at a non-denominational church, but I don't know exactly what that signals. Probably either so religious you can't be tied down by denomination, or slightly religious, but you like the rock band that plays Sunday mornings.

So i go to this wedding. I am sitting next to my mother and my aunt. The following is exactly what happened about 12 minutes into the thing:

Preacher/ Officiator: May I have the ring. [Takes the ring from the Maid of Honor - holds it up for the crowd to see]. Joseph, Today Kara is giving you a special ring. This is no ordinary ring. This, Joseph, is Kara's "purity ring." You see, several years ago Kara made a vow to God that she would keep herself sexually pure until her marriage. She made her vow to remain sexually pure because she loves God and wants to be faithful to Him, and because she knew that one day she would love you. Her love for God, and the love she has for you has kept her sexually pure. Today, she gives you this ring. With it she is giving to you the gift of her sexually pure body, and she will be giving you a gift later. [Ill-timed pause. . . bridal party shifts uncomfortably. . . Groom smiles sheepishly, looks at his feet. . . uncomfortable laughter from the audience. . . Bride glances slightly over her shoulder at her family sitting it the front row] Tonight, Joseph, she will be giving you her virginity.
Wow, it was rough. I mean, I sat there with a dumbfounded look on my face, thinking, "is this guy really saying these things at a wedding?" The most amazing part is, we get out of the wedding part to go to the next organized mini-event - "the non-drinking reception" and my mother and my aunt are talking about how beautiful the wedding was, how beautiful everyone looked, etc., and I say, "what was up with the preacher saying 'sexually' like eight times, and talking about them having sex later tonight?" The two older, serious-religion ladies look at me like I had said the bride looked like a big white cow holding a rose bouquet. My aunt responded, "well I thought it was nice." My mother, looking at me disappointingly said, "Garrett, that ring was very important to her. I thought it was a nice sentiment"

So there you have it, something else in the world I just don't get. Why in the world would she have wanted to stand at the front of a church, in front of her mother and little old grandparents, and announce, "I, KARA, HEREBY AFFIRM THAT I HAVE NEVER HAD A PENIS INSIDE OF MY VAGINA, AND I OFFICIALLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT TONIGHT, AT THE HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS OFF OF I-35 IN AUSTIN, TEXAS, I WILL ALLOW THIS MAN TO ENTER ME, THEREBY GIVING HIM THE GIFT THAT IS MY VIRGINITY"

If ever I am getting married, and the guy holding the bible starts talking about the fact that I'll be fucking (making love to?) the woman I am standing next to in a few short hours, there might just be some curse words flying right there at the ceremony.

Also, while we are on the subject, does anyone know anything about these "purity rings"? What are the rules? Is it only intercourse that counts as causing "impurity"? Just the vagina-kind of intercourse or "other" kinds as well? What about handjobs? Is there an addendum for handjobs? Do you have to give back the ring if you have the sex? Does the "five second rule" apply (you know if he only "puts it in" for under 5 seconds)? Is she allowed to think about sex while masturbating? My god, is she allowed to masturbate?!

No word on whether the Groom was also giving the gift that was his virginity. If so, lets hope for both of their sakes, he watched an instructional video or something before stopping at that Holiday Inn Express.


stephen said...

The truly sad part about it is they both undoubtedly had a miserable time that night...

"owowowow...SLOW DOWN!!"

"Dammit, honey stop inching backwards or we'll never be done"


"oops, we're done...they're gonna make us pay for these sheets."

Jason said...

The priest might have well announced that she was known throughout her high school and college as mistress of the blow-job. B/c that is what those purity rings are tied to: blow jobs. Blow jobs and anal sex.

And I'm not making it up. Scientific studies have been done that show girls who wear purity rings have more oral and anal sex than the rest of the population at large. And if you're over 18 and making decisions about your sexual behavior based on your parents' morals and a promise you made to your dad when you were 13, well, then you are a girl. A girl who is losing it at a holiday inn express (no slight at your cousin intended).

A Lover and a Fighter said...

I'm going to write this down and have the priest at my wedding say the exact same thing except i'm also going to make him say "The bride would like everyone to remember that in the butt doesn't count."

dmbmeg said...

What about just the tip?

Garrett Reid said...

Stephen: You are exactly 100% correct. Now that I think about it, no one has ever uttered "owowowow" with me. I like to think it has more to do with my skills than with my fun-sized penis.

Jason: I wonder if 17 year old boys know about this? I really feel it is my duty to do some sort of PSA letting them know to look for that ring if they want blow jobs and anal sex. 17 year old boys love blow jobs and anal sex.

Megsy: That seems so romantic. I would do it just before Ave Maria and just after the "unity candle" (and, just so you know, I am on your side that "in the butt doesn't count" - so call me sometime.)

DmbMeg: Just the tip doesn't count for anything. On the scales of sexual things - it goes: Group orgies (maybe redundant), hard core bondage sex (possibly involving a "swing"), regular sex, feeling up, making out, and then just the tip. Just the tip could be done between friends and casual acquaintances. Maybe even internet friends. I'm just saying.

Ross said...

This is my first time at your blog, and I like it! I'm religious, but not the Southern Baptist, Non-denominational type.

Jason is right, usually people that take these "chastity pledges" will only count vaginal intercourse as sex. Then they get a bunch of STD's from taking it up the ass (and other openings) because it's not (real) sex.

You also noted that the groom didn't have a purity ring. They made a VERY big deal about her saving herself for her husband, yet there was oddly no mention that he was giving the gift of virginity. Read: he's a man-whore and it's OK, as long as he marries a nice Christian girl who hasn't had sex (in her vagina).

OK - I'll stop ranting now.

Winter said...

Ross: "who hasn't had sex (in her vagina)."

I swear to God I just had coffee go up my nose from laughing so hard at reading that.

mindy said...

Garrett: did you just say you have a fun-sized penis?

The girls are gonna be knockin down your door now!!! Me first!

Lover & Fighter: Can I come to your wedding? I REALLY want to see what the congregation does when it is announced that "in the butt doesn't count".

Garrett Reid said...

Ross: I guess I don't get it. While I am all for folks having the anal sex if they are into that, if I were the guy that wanted to marry a virgin, I can't imagine being okay with my soon-to-be wife telling me she has never had vagina-sex, but she has done it in the ass a few times. If my soon-to-be wife has sucked 37 dicks on the way through the parking lot, I think I would take just as much issue with that as 37 vagina-sexings. Maybe that is just me.

Welcome - thanks for reading too.

Dear Winter: Did you just comment on MY blog about how funny someone else is? I'll forgive it this time because I think you are hot, and one day I hope to make it on to that exclusive club that is your link list.

Garrett Reid said...

Mindy: Who doesn't like those fun-sized snickers or baby ruths or butterfingers? Everyone loves them. I figure if I start calling mine fun-sized too, everyone must love it as well. It's a strategy. And who says the girls aren't already knocking down the door? You'll have to get in line.

Yoffi said...


It's been 5 minutes since I read that and I still don't know if I'm finding it hylariously funny or very disturbing.

I guess if you chose to remain a "pure" whatever for whatever reason then go for it, but why would you announce it at a wedding? Or ever? To anyone?

It's right up there with getting up there and saying

"Well we've been screwing for 3 months and unfortunately the condom broke so now we've put together this elaborate wedding (in 1 week) to pretend that the baby that will be born in 8 months is 1 month premature and is our love child from the honeymoon and has nothing to do with a rush job wedding".

blythe said...

i mean, who hasn't given it up at a holiday inn express off 35. and i didn't even get anything out of it. well, i got something. i would not advise picking up dudes at a holiday inn express.

they should take it up a notch and just watch them screw. you know, to make sure they pop out a mini baptist asap.

Snow White said...

ROFLMAO!!! I love your blog!

Anonymous said...

There should NEVER be discussion of the bride and groom's sex life during a wedding--how bizarre. Jason is kinda right about the "pure" girls, however--I was convinced I would be a virgin bride (I lasted into college!), and while nothing was getting put in my ass, it was nothing but GREAT for my blow job skills.