Tuesday, July 17, 2007

My Boss Now Thinks I Am Odd

You can tell a lot about a person when you get in their car. Just as the type of car you drive reflects on your personality so does the interior of your car. Things to look for when you get into someone's car: 1) Is it clean? Are there two week old McDonald's sacks strewn about the back seat floorboard? If so, most likely a fat ass or bulimic (Those are the only people who appear to eat McDonald's besides me. I am normal); 2) What are the music options? (Note: not the preferred genre of music, but rather the medium by which the music is played) Are there cassette tapes lying around? CD's? Are the CD's in cases and put away? Are they in one of those sleeve things? Is there an iPod being played through some elaborate system of FM transmitters? And the worst: Is it a generic MP3 player? If cassette tapes, DO NOT GET INTO THE CAR. This person is probably a pedophile. Side note: I had to look up that word to make sure I was spelling it correctly. Talk about things that will get you fired. Google searches of pedophile; 3) Does the person smoke? If they smoke they are doing it in the car. Remember: If She Smokes, She Pokes; 4) Does this person like pornography? 99% of people who view print pornography (i.e. not internet porn like the rest of (normal) America) do so in their car while driving naked around public parks.

I could go on and on with this list, but it is even boring me to type it. I can't imagine what it must be like for you to read it. Then again, I can't really imagine how bad it must be to have to read this blog sporadically every so often, off and on, from time to time. I imagine the few of you that do come back after reading one post are like those cutters we learn about on MTV.

Anyway, my boss now thinks I am odd. This is because he took a ride in my car. In said car he found my print pornography from last night's trip to the park. I'm only kidding folks. (He didn't find it).

First, I would like to note how weird it is to have your boss in your car. I felt like I was his driver. He knew where we were going. He was in charge. I work for him, he gave me commands and talked to me in a demeaning manner. Come to think of it - I didn't just feel like I was his driver - I actually was.

So late last week we have to take a trip across town. I didn't know about this trip when I drove in that day. I didn't get a chance to clean out my car or anything. As we were walking to the parking garage he says we can take my car. We walk over to my car, he opens the backseat to put his briefcase in, and looks over and says, "Reid, what is that?" He points in to my backseat, in which there is a dirty, gigantic machete-type blade wrapped in newspaper. I am sure he immediately suspects I am a serial killer.

"Oh, that's just a lawnmower blade." I unwrap part of it to show him it is harmless. "I had to take in to get a replacement."

So I get in the front seat, put the key in the ignition and forget to turn the radio down. This comes blaring through the radio at ear drum deafening volume:

You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger

That's right, my little friends, The Cranberries at full volume. In my defense, it was on the radio, and when I exited the car, Eddie Vedder was singing this:

Oh please don't go out on me don't go out on me now
Never acted up before don't go on me now
I swear I never took it for granted just thought of it now
Suppose I abused you just passing it on

So my boss looks over at me, with an annoyed look on his face as if to say, "Reid, can't you play your girl music at normal volumes."

Next, we are driving on the interstate when a white plastic sack is blowing across the highway. It blows up from the car in front of us, and goes right against my window, and over the car. Without thinking I immediately quip, "That is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen."

He looks over at me from the passenger seat, but doesn't say anything. I sort of stammer, "you know from that movie - with the guy - that filmed the trash - it was the most beautiful thing he ever saw - Kevin Spacey - the girls - American Beauty - you know - American Beauty?" I don't think he knew. After I finished stammering, he looked at me for 5 full seconds, then turned his eyes back to the road.

Not five minutes later, we see a church van with a flat tire on the side of the road. A whole gaggle of church-going teens is out on the side of the road watching someone put on a spare. Again, without thinking, I say, "I guess they could just pray for a new tire."

This time, he looks over at me like I am the anti-christ, devil child (AC/DC). He frowns, furrows his brow and says, "A real Good Samaritan, huh Reid?" Those were the last words spoken between us for the rest of the 20 minute drive.

I can't wait for pay raise season. If he were witty, my first paycheck after pay raise season, would have written across it, "Maybe you should have prayed for a raise, Reid."


mindy said...

"I guess they could just pray for a new tire."

Hahahaha. You're a real a-hole, aren't you?

Love it.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

This is why I don't have a car.

Garrett Reid said...

Mindy: I can be kind of mean - but only to people that can't hear me, while I am driving past them at 75 mph.

I love you too. Oh, you said "love it." Sorry, my mistake.

L & F: I know, think about how you would fill those long stretches of silence when driving in your car with a boss.

dmbmeg said...

I admit, the plastic bag thing made me laugh out loud.

I may not have a car, but I sure have a lot of junk in the trunk.

Sorry, that was so lame.

kelsi said...

DUDE! I was totally going to blog about this same thing. I've taken to lying about not driving to work ever since the first time my boss called me from some remote location for a ride.
"Oh, sorry, I took the bus today, but I'll find someone who has their car."
Seriously, I never want to see someone look at my pile of old newspapers and random CDs with that look on their face ever. again.

crys said...

i think it's not that he thinks you're odd, but rather, hot. because you know you are. how old is this guy anyway? he's not dead, Reid.

he knows hot when he sees it.

it was sexual tension.

blythe said...

oh yes. just got a dirty look for laughing out loud at the blowing sack bit. good one.

Winter said...

That would be witty.

Erica AP said...

You are too funny... Loving you!! (in gay voice)

HAR said...

This post was hysterical. Love your blog.