Thursday, August 09, 2007

Comment Responding 2d

If the last post was the worst post ever (according to some), this will be the second worst ever. So just prepare yourself now. What will follow are very poor attempts at witty banter. If you are easily shocked - please do not read on. (I can't lie - there is nothing shocking in this post - I just wanted to get you to read the whole thing)

From I'm Exhausted:
At August 02, 2007 6:55 AM, TK said...

What the FUCK? Man, your bathroom is like a war zone - shit in the trash can, vomit everywhere... how do you ever go back? And how do you ever have company over again?

Who can you trust, Garrett?

GR Response: I know. As I was cleaning up vomit, I was thinking to myself, "I am 31 years old and I am cleaning a friend's vomit after a night of drinking - what has become of my life." My bathroom has seen some hard times. It seems obvious that I am going to have to install security cameras in the bathrooms of my house. Come on over ladies!
At August 02, 2007 8:39 AM, onthevirg said...

Man walking into a room that's been stewing in puke all day. That's the opposite of good times right there. I think your friend deserves a dickpunch with no warning whatsoever the next time you two meet.

At the very least you need to get shit faced on several types of alcohol (thereby insuring vomiting) at his house warming party. Then proceed to puke at random around his house. Or him. Take your pick.

GR Response: It was very much the opposite of good times. He made a half-assed attempt at cleaning it up - but you could tell it was just kind of smeared around. Fucking ass. I am still pissed about it. Most of the "chunks" were gone, but not all. There were still some in the not-in-plain-site places like behind the toilet and on the wall behind the trashcan. Fucker. I am plotting revenge. A dickpunch - although satisfying - is not nearly harsh enough revenge. Puke would be fitting, but I am not a good vommiter. I tend to, you know, burst blood vessels in my eyes and shit when I hurl - so that is out. I'll think of something good.
At August 02, 2007 8:50 AM, New Texan said...

Well, if your friend did find a house in the area, I would suggest you take your revenge there... nothing says "new home smell" like a turd cooked on a skillet all day while he was at work. The great part of this is that you don't really destroy anything (other than the skillet) and the smell will take hours to go away. Best to do this when it is too cold outside (tough around here) to open a bunch of windows.

GR Response: That actually made me a little sick to my stomach to think of a turd cooking in a skillet. I don't know if I have the stomach to sauté a piece of shit. Maybe a crock pot full of shit? A crap piece baking in the oven? I feel ill now.
At August 02, 2007 11:15 AM, Erica AP said...

What about using the word, "Shlong" instead of "Wang"? Just and idea. It's pretty fun to
say out loud too.

GR Response: Shlong just might work. I just googled shlong to see if that was the correct spelling (apparently both shlong and schlong are accepted). Welcome to me getting fired any day now.
At August 02, 2007 11:29 AM, Jason said...

Just think - if the evening had evolved into a gay scene(which is cool, btw), you would've gotten off AND avoided the mass cleaning.

GR Response: Jason, I am not sure how it could evolve into a gay scene. How do those things work? Who decides each party's respective roles? I mean, in Brokeback - one cowboy turned the other over, spit, and went to town. In real life, wouldn't there have to be more conversation than that? What if cowboy number 2 had said, "Whoa there [cowboy reference], I don't want to be on bottom. You be on bottom." Then they would have had to stop and discuss the whole thing - and it would have just ended very, very awkwardly. Obviously, I don't understand these things very well.
At August 02, 2007 1:46 PM, mindy said...

This is the sexiest post I've ever read. Thank you.

GR Response: All of my posts are sexy. I exude sexiness, and it just comes out in the writing. I can't help it. It just does. It is my gift to you, Mindy. I give you the gift of sexiness. Take it and enjoy it.
At August 02, 2007 2:17 PM, A Lover and a Fighter said...

garrett- your friends may suck. i suggest getting new ones.

on another note, i will never piss off new texan. he's a vicious fothermucker.

GR Response: I am thinking about getting new friends. Where did these friends come from? Maybe I should just stop inviting people over to my house because everyone that comes over seems to have weird bathroom habits that I don't want to deal with. (and I am now scared of New Texan a bit)
At August 02, 2007 2:55 PM, Scottsdale Girl said...

I should send this post to the boyfriend, he was RILLY angry at me earlier because I left the dogs IN. They apparently shit all over the house.

But, you win.

GR Response: I have a very big dog, and she has, in the past, shit in the house. I will gladly scrub dog shit out of individual rug fibers any day over cleaning vomit.
At August 02, 2007 3:01 PM, kelsi said...

this is why blogging is awesome. because now? we know everything.
thank you so much for sharing... everything.

GR Response: I'm glad you like to hear it all, but to be honest it is not just people that read the blog that get to hear about my love for Drew Barrymore in Playboy, circa 1995 - or my love of masturbation - or my love of Barrymore-related masturbation. I tell everyone. I'm a sharer.
At August 02, 2007 3:43 PM, blythe said...

two words: upper deck.

do it. for revenge. not for fun at home alone.

GR Response: How you know the term "upper deck" has me very worried. Have you done this before? How does it work? Do you hover above the tank? What if you miss? Do you sit on the tank? What if the tank breaks from sitting on it and you get a porcelain shard to the rectum? Please report back on these things.
At August 02, 2007 4:02 PM, Mortarbored said...

One time I had to clean up my girlfriend's puke after she projectile vomited in a stranger's bathroom. I wiped with tissue, and we just walked out and left. Classy shit.

GR Response: If it was a stranger's bathroom - that is the only possible course of action. Cover and run. Get the hell out of there. What a trooper for cleaning up a girlfriend's puke though. She must have done something good for you to wipe the contents of her stomach with a tissue. I think I would have just grabbed the girl, locked the door behind me, told the host, "hey your bathroom is locked and there is no one in there" and then fled the scene.
At August 02, 2007 4:21 PM, Snow White said...

Okay, I read through the steps twice looking for the prefix "ex" before the word friend. Did this friend at least have an excuse when you called? Oh, and could staying up late and drinking have anything to do with why the meetings have been so hard to sit through?

No matter, I'm glad you're back posting!

GR Response: His excuse was, "Dude, I cleaned it up! What's your problem?" I'll still be his friend because I am certain that I will, one day, do something to him that is just as bad. You know - fuck is girlfriend - get him fired - accidentally stab him - something along those lines.
At August 02, 2007 10:24 PM, carrie said...

You are funny!!! you rule!! :)

GR Response: Thank you Carrie. You receive the Number One Commenter of the Day Award. You other people could learn from Carrie. (I promise I am not "carrie" leaving comments for myself).
At August 03, 2007 4:53 AM, HAR said...

I don't know which is funnier, your post or the comments.

"I think your friend deserves a dickpunch with no warning whatsoever the next time you two meet."

The mental image made me lmao.

GR Response: HAR - The post is most definitely funnier. Although I guess the comments do have some humor to them. A dickpunch is only funny if you are the dickpuncher and not the dickpunchee.
At August 03, 2007 11:18 AM, DanjerusKurves said...

When your friend gets a new place, try prying up random corners of the carpet and placing anchovies or raw shrimp underneath ... ;)

GR Response: That is a suggestion I just actually might be able to pull off. Except for - how do I smuggle raw shrimp into his house? Friend - "Dude, you smell a little like fish." GR - "What? Fish? I don't smell fish." Friend - "I definitely smell a fish-like odor" GR - "Tell you girlfriend to clean that shit out every once in a while then!" (Okay - maybe that was over the line)
At August 03, 2007 11:46 AM, So@24 said...

ahhh, the ol' cleaning up your friends' stomach contents. i love the nights when you dont even know which of your friends to call a "cunt"... it could have been any of them.

GR Response: Friends suck - but I will happily call all of them a cunt - I don't mind - I don't have to pick just one.
At August 03, 2007 6:31 PM, blythe said...

hey there,

since saturday night's alright for fighting, i would imagine that friday's fantastic for upper decking. let me know how it goes?


GR Response: Blythe: Did you just quote an Elton John song on my blog? I love the xoxo at the bottom of your comment about upper decking. And the sign off of -b. I feel like we are BFF now. Except for your obsession with upper decking. I am going to need some time to get past that.
At August 04, 2007 10:32 PM, dmbmeg said...

my exact comment til I read yours: two words: top shelf

I can only imagine we meant the same thing.

you and your friends sound like a bunch of alcoholics. I suggest getting help.

GR Response: DmbMeg: How could I possibly have guessed that you would most relate to Blythe's comment. You two are like degenerate kindred spirits. My friends ARE alcoholics. Not me though. I can quit any time I want. I just don't want to. Instead, I think I'll just get rid of my friends. Getting drunk alone in my darkened house while playing "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" on my 6-string sounds better anyway.
At August 05, 2007 2:05 PM, Winter said...

I disagree with Dmbmeg, I suggest you drink more and then post pictures.

GR Response: Pictures of what? Not the vomit I hope. If I posted pictures while drunk, they would just all end up being pictures of my penis. No one wants that. Trust me.
At August 05, 2007 7:02 PM, Irish and Jew said...

Hmmm revenge... I really hope u come up with something good. May I suggest filling all the bottles of booze at yr place with water. Very very cruel.


PS: I used to teach waterskiing :)

GR Response: You used to teach waterskiing? I am now officially fascinated by you. Next summer is the summer of learning to barefoot. I will either die from it - or become irresistible to women. I can't wait.


New Texan said...

Oh, there's no need to be scared of me... just don't puke in my bathroom, and I have no reason to make a turd omelette.

A few years ago, a friend and I were up in Boston for a Sox game. After the game, we did the normal "drink way too much and act way younger than we are" thing... the next morning I woke up to the smell of puke in our hotel room... and it got worse... there was a puke trail from his bed to the bathroom... and a big load of it in the closet. I didn't live there, and would never be back, and I wanted to kill him.

Anonymous said...

OK, part two of the plan ... you tell the buddy that as a housewarming gift you are bringing over some fresh shrimp to be BBQ'd (it is NOT gay for two men to cook together if fire and beer are involved) ... while he is checking the grill, you execute the carpet maneuver!

Or just tell him you smell fishy because you went down on his sister. *cheese*

dmbmeg said...

this post sucks too.

Garrett Reid said...

New Texan - Waking up to the smell of puke is pretty bad. That is when you wake up - pack you stuff and never look back.

Danjer - That was well thought out - and may just work - but I like the idea of telling him I went down on his sister - she is pretty hot.

DmbMeg - Does it suck balls?

dmbmeg said...

yes, but I have a question.

Are you going to be posting the comments from the comment(s) post and responding to them too?

I mean, when is this all going to end?

(hint: sooner rather than later)

Garrett Reid said...

Dear DmbMeg - you know that with me it ALWAYS ends sooner rather than later.

mindy said...

OK, your response to onthevirg was a little TMI. And by "a little" I mean "a lot".

Hellafied said...

Per Blythe's comment: We have a version of the "Upper Deck" called the "Top Shelf" here in Chicago. Same premise, I think.

I actually offered this as silent revenge when Midwesterner got sucker punched by his co-worker:

Enter the Top Shelf.

The next time you are in said co-worker's bathroom, take off the top of the tank and shit in the open tank. Make sure it's a big one. Maybe eat a lot of vindaloo the day before. Gently place the top of the tank back on and go along your merry way.

I guarantee you in a few weeks when his entire apt. smells like baby diarrhea, you'll be vindicated.

I can't tell you how many times my friends have Top Shelf'ed at a party just for kicks.

Winter said...

Well now I want to write something that has nothing to do with any of your post with the hopes that you will respond.

I've been sitting here for the past 3 min, I've got nothing.

blythe said...

so... did you do it (top shelf/upper deck)? come on. you can tell us. we're all "friends" here.

Irish and Jew said...

Ew gag gross. As a girl who for years only socialized with members of the opposite sex I am not only shocked but disappointed that I never heard of let alone fathomed the idea of the "top shelf" "upper deck".... and we used to have full fledged friend wars. If I could only go back knowing what I know now :(


PS: I tried barefooting once.... and it was basically a joke. but i do have a ski boom and that's the best way to learn how to bare foot or so I hear. I'll stick to slaloming its what I know.

Adrian said...

Just remember that revenge is a dish best served cold. He knows that you will be doing something and the anticipation alone is wonderful. Just act suspicious everytime you are together and he will spend hours trying to figure out what you have done.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

This might be a stroke of genius, now that I've further considered it. I mean, you've taken the circle jerk appeal of blogging and blog linking and blog commenting and actually put your blog commenters in the starring role, thereby ensuring they continue to leave comments so as to be subsequently personally addressed in the blog post. Your traffic will soar and your comments will spiral out of control.

Well done, you entrepeneurial little blogger, you.

Scottsdale Girl said...

Shit. I am going to have to be waaaaay more creative in my commenting now.

Unlike this one.

the mystical muff said...

how is it possible that such an internet stud such as yourself not get action?

stephen said...

I'll be honest. I did not read a single sentence of that.