Wednesday, August 01, 2007

I'm Exhausted

I'm exhausted. I know when I begin with a sentence as dramatic as that you expect a fantastically great story probably involving hours (minutes?) of sexual adventure. Normally, if there is one thing I am known for it is sexual adventure. Sexual adventure and waterskiing - those are two things I do well. In reality, I am not known for either of those things. I would like to be though. I would also like to be known for having a large wang. (Although I might actually have to have a large wang to be known for such a feature - but I was not so gifted - it can still be a fantasy though). Come to think of it I would also like to be known for vehemently opposing use of the word 'wang' or writing about 'wangs' in blogs posts.

Anyway - I am exhausted. My days this week have been spent in meetings. I am not talking about those pussy meetings where you sit in a conference room for 30 minutes to discuss your projects and action items and planning your agenda for your next 30 minute meeting. I am talking about all day, ass numbing, want to slit your wrists using your ball point pin, meetings. The kind where you listen to one guy drone on for 6 hours while staring at a giant projection screen on the wall and day dreaming about whether his next slide will be purple or pink.

My nights this week have involved nothing but gin, porn and guitar. I had a friend staying with me this week while he was looking at houses around the area. He did his thing during the day - and we met up each night for heavy drinking. This always devolved into watching porn. When we got bored with that we drank some more. To make it interesting, when I got super drunk each night this week I pulled out my guitar and clumsily played 1990s alt rock songs. I rule by the way.

[After re-reading that paragraph it all sounds pretty gay what with the porn and guitar playing. I promise it wasn't. It was cool. I rule. Just trust me. I rule.]

Last night was my friend's last night here. We drank until 3. I went to work at 8. He left sometime while I was at work. When I got home tonight my plan was to watch Entourage and go to bed (probably masturbate first, but I didn't think I needed to share everything - I might have thought about Drew Barrymore in Playboy, circa 1995 while masturbating - there now you know everything).

Instead, I am came home to a bathroom covered in vomit. Apparently my friendly house guest decided to throw up at some point last night or this morning. He apparently decided to miss the toilet and throw up all over the floor, walls, toilet and door to the bathroom. He also apparently decided to drunkenly try and clean the bathroom using hand towels and Formula 409.

So instead of a lovely night with just me and Drew, I spent the evening scooping chunks of vomit from under my baseboards.

Five steps to cleaning your friend's vomit from your bathroom:

1) Curse like a motherfucking sailor. Use the word 'cunt' no less than four times.

2) Call friend, use the word 'cunt' at least 3 times.

3) Don surgical gloves, acquire spray bottle full of bleach. Curse some more.

4) Use no less than two rolls of paper towels and one toothbrush - scooping, cleansing and brushing.

5) Plot revenge.

So that was my night. Now I don't have time for a good post because I have been knuckle deep in matter that was previously in my friends stomach.

I hope you had a good night, though.


TK said...

What the FUCK? Man, your bathroom is like a war zone - shit in the trash can, vomit everywhere... how do you ever go back? And how do you ever have company over again?

Who can you trust, Garrett?

onthevirg said...

Man walking into a room that's been stewing in puke all day. That's the opposite of good times right there. I think your friend deserves a dickpunch with no warning whatsoever the next time you two meet.

At the very least you need to get shit faced on several types of alcohol (thereby insuring vomiting) at his house warming party. Then proceed to puke at random around his house. Or him. Take your pick.

New Texan said...

Well, if your friend did find a house in the area, I would suggest you take your revenge there... nothing says "new home smell" like a turd cooked on a skillet all day while he was at work. The great part of this is that you don't really destroy anything (other than the skillet) and the smell will take hours to go away. Best to do this when it is too cold outside (tough around here) to open a bunch of windows.

Erica AP said...

What about using the word, "Shlong" instead of "Wang"? Just and idea. It's pretty fun to say out loud too.

Anonymous said...

Just think - if the evening had evolved into a gay scene(which is cool, btw), you would've gotten off AND avoided the mass cleaning.

mindy said...

This is the sexiest post I've ever read. Thank you.

A Lover and a Fighter said...

garrett- your friends may suck. i suggest getting new ones.

on another note, i will never piss off new texan. he's a vicious fothermucker.

Scottsdale Girl said...

I should send this post to the boyfriend, he was RILLY angry at me earlier because I left the dogs IN. They apparently shit all over the house.

But, you win.

kelsi said...

this is why blogging is awesome. because now? we know everything.
thank you so much for sharing... everything.

blythe said...

two words: upper deck.

do it. for revenge. not for fun at home alone.

Anonymous said...

One time I had to clean up my girlfriend's puke after she projectile vomited in a stranger's bathroom. I wiped with tissue, and we just walked out and left. Classy shit.

Snow White said...

Okay, I read through the steps twice looking for the prefix "ex" before the word friend. Did this friend at least have an excuse when you called? Oh, and could staying up late and drinking have anything to do with why the meetings have been so hard to sit through?

No matter, I'm glad you're back posting!

carrie said...

You are funny!!! you rule!! :)

HAR said...

I don't know which is funnier, your post or the comments.

"I think your friend deserves a dickpunch with no warning whatsoever the next time you two meet."

The mental image made me lmao.

Anonymous said...

When your friend gets a new place, try prying up random corners of the carpet and placing anchovies or raw shrimp underneath ... ;)

So@24 said...

ahhh, the ol' cleaning up your friends' stomach contents. i love the nights when you dont even know which of your friends to call a "cunt"... it could have been any of them.

blythe said...

hey there,

since saturday night's alright for fighting, i would imagine that friday's fantastic for upper decking. let me know how it goes?


dmbmeg said...

my exact comment til I read yours: two words: top shelf

I can only imagine we meant the same thing.

you and your friends sound like a bunch of alcoholics. I suggest getting help.

Winter said...

I disagree with Dmbmeg, I suggest you drink more and then post pictures.

Irish and Jew said...

Hmmm revenge... I really hope u come up with something good. May I suggest filling all the bottles of booze at yr place with water. Very very cruel.


PS: I used to teach waterskiing :)