Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Threesome Talks

How is everyone today? I'm busy. Thank you for asking, that is so nice of you. I just reviewed my "to-do list" and it has reached two pages, single spaced, 10 point font. Being the model of organized efficiency that I am, my to-do list is prioritized by immediacy. So the top-priority items are things that need to be completed today, and if all else fails, they must be done tomorrow. I have 13 items in the top-priority category. I may be in trouble. I can't be sure, but I may actually have to consider doing some work at this place where they pay me shit-tons of money and give me a desk and at least four different color pens (and both green and yellow highlighters to work with).

Okay, enough of my whining. I do have a short little story. On Saturday I went out drinking with a medium-sized group of friends. That would be 6. As every conversation I have ever been a part of tends to do, the topic eventually turned to The Sex. I don't know when that phenomenon began exactly, but as I sit here now I cannot recall any conversation I have ever had outside the presence of work or family that didn't turn to sex. I thought about this intriguing factoid a few months ago and reached one conclusion on why this occurs. Men turn the conversation to sex because they want tips and pointers from me. Who wouldn't? Women turn the conversation to sex because they want to bed me. Who wouldn't?

So someone mentions threesomes.

Girl 1 says, "no way am I ever having a threesome!"


Girl 2: "I don't know - I don't think I would. Wait, would it be two guys or two girls?"

Girl 1: "Could be either. Which would you prefer?"

Girl 2: "It would definitely have to be two guys. I want all of the attention on me. I would feel pretty stupid laying there with nothing to do while the guy does stuff to the other girl. What would I do? Just watch?"

Girl 1: "I don't know. You wouldn't want to just sit around. You have to DO stuff."

Girl 2: "If it were two guys I might feel weird with the other guy just sitting there during the lulls in action."

Garrett: (Hoping to keep this conversation going for as long as possible) "You wouldn't let them both do stuff at the same time. If you know what I mean."

Girl 2: Like what?

Garrett: Like double penetration. . .

Girl 2: No fucking way!

Garrett: What about one guy downtown and one guy getting oral? (I don't know why we were using these stupid euphemisms - but we just were. I guess I didn't want to be so vulgar as to talk about double penetration using real names for body parts and what not)

Girl 2: I don't think I could concentrate on the oral.

Girl 3: I've had a threesome.

Everyone turns and stares at Kim who has not been participating much in the sex talks. I don't know a whole hell of a lot about Kim. She seem normal enough. She comes out occasionally with her friend, who is a part of the regular group. She is good looking. She drinks moderately. She dances when appropriate, and laughs at my jokes. She is totally normal in every respect. Like I said, I don't know her that well.

Girl 1: Was it two guys or two girls?

Kim: Two guys. One was my boyfriend. The other guy was his best friend. This was about 6 years ago.

Girl 1: How did it happen. Did you seduce the friend?

Kim: We were all drinking one night, and we all got really, really drunk. My boyfriend and I started making out and his friend kissed me too. Things just went from there.

Girl 2: So how did it work. What did the friend do while you were getting nailed by your boyfriend?

Kim: Well I didn't offer to give him oral. They took turns.

Girl 2: Right, but what did the other guy do when he wasn't doing the nailing?

Kim: You know, he used his hands, talked dirty - that sort of thing.

Girl 2: What do you mean "used his hands?"

Kim: Just rubbed on us.

Girl 2: Us?

Kim: (looking a little red) On my breasts - on him - just rubbed I guess.

Girl 2: He rubbed on him? Where?

Kim: On his ass and stuff.

Girl 2: . . .

Girl 1: . . .

Everyone else: . . .

I took a long drink of my beer, cleared my throat, and began: Your boyfriend's best friend rubbed your boyfriend's ass while he was doing you?

Kim: I guess [She began to look a little nervous what with everyone staring at her]

Garrett: Your boyfriend, thrusting in and out [I make a little hip movement in my seat to emphasize my point here] and at the same time, his best friend's hand is caressing his naked ass?

Kim: Okay, I don't want to talk about this if you guys are going to just make fun of me.

Garrett: Was there any man spanking involved?

Kim: Garrett, stop, okay?

Garrett: Maybe your boyfriend had hip problems, and his friend was just spotting him to help with the thrusting.

Kim: GARRETT!

Garrett: He didn't slip in a finger in, well you know where, did he?

Kim: Okay, I'm leaving.

Garrett: Okay, in all seriousness. Kim, I am going to tell you this as seriously as I can. You got seduced by two clearly bisexual men.

Kim: Shut up. They were just in the moment.

Garrett: No, I have to disagree. Never, not even in the moment, do 100% straight men stroke other naked man asses. They have probably been getting naked with each other since high school and try to seduce each others' girlfriends every chance they get. I'd say there is a better than average chance they liquored you up and used you as a gay sex scene prop.

Kim looked at her beer for a few seconds, then shook her head looked up at us and said, "I fucking hate you guys."

What can I say? I am all about ruining the fond threesome memories of others. However, I can say that I have now firmly made up my mind that if I have a threesome possibility I will only accept on the grounds that it is two women and not another guy with a girl. What if I am mid-thrust and I get an ass-rub? I have to think it would throw off my rhythm at the very least.

Then again, who couldn't use a good ass rub and some dirty talk during mid-deed?

25 comments:

TK said...

Ass rub from another girl during a threesome? A-OK. Ass rub by another naked man? Not so much. Did anyone ask her if her ex has come out of the closet yet?

I can see why she got irate with you, but... when you're right, you're right.

Redhead said...

Several thoughts here:
1) She was clearly set up by those 2 guys - no guy would kiss his best friend's girl in front of him unless it had been approved beforehand.
2) Never have a threesome with a boyfriend - it will mess up the relationship whether he ends up being gay or not.
3) If a guy is going to do a threesome with another guy, freaking out over the other guy touching him - accidentally or on purpose - is just weak.
4) That's a hot story - she shouldn't be at all embarrassed.

Garrett Reid said...

TK - See and I thought I was done accusing other's boyfriends of being gay. In my defense, I only said he was bisexual.

Redhead - 1) I totally agree. It seemed very sudden to me. She thought they were all drunk, happy, and hippie free loving it. There was definitely conspiracy at play. 2) She did break up with him not long after that - she said it was because he kept wanting more threesomes and she kept telling him it was a one time thing. So your advice? Threesomes with total strangers. I'm down with that. 3) Inadvertent touching is one thing but overtly sexual ass rubbing - I don't think you sign up for that just because you are in a threesome. 4) The best thing we learned from that story? Kim can be freaky when you get her drunk. That is why I am drinking with Kim much more often now.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for helping me practice laughing my ass off without my boss next door hearing. This story made my day.

mindy said...

Garrett, have you noticed how often your stories also turn in to you telling women their significant other is gay but in the closet? Think about it. Then think about what that might say about you.

I should be a therapist.

MaryAnne said...

I don't know. I agree with redhead's third comment.

I wouldn't be put off by a woman rubbing my ass if she was participating in the threesome with me, and I wouldn't be put off by a man rubbing my boyfriends ass if we all agreed on having a threesome (although, I would also like to be the center of attention...).
But really, wouldn't you kind of expect to be touched by the other two people participating?

But now I have a question: If you had a threesome and one woman was stroking the other woman's ass, would you think they were bisexual?

Redhead said...

OK, a question regarding my/your #3 point: If you were having a threesome with 2 girls, wouldn't you be surprised AND disappointed if they didn't want to touch each other (at least not more than the accidential contact that is bound to take place)? Now what's the difference?

Redhead said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
New Texan said...

A few years ago, I had The Threesome... me, another guy and a girl we didn't know. Classy, I know. Anyway, at no point in time did I think "hey, I should stroke his ass." Further, had he touched me, I am quite sure I would have punched him in the face. In fact, I was happy to do the double penetration as you describe it for the very reason that we'd be about as far away from each other as possible... although having eye contact during those moments is still something that weirds me out when I think about it. I am currently weirded out. Fuck. There goes today's work.

TK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TK said...

Ladies, there are two unwritten rules about threesomes when it comes to men, that you are perhaps not aware of:

1. If it is a guy and two girls, if the girls start to get on each other, that is AWESOME.

2. If it is two guys and a girl, at no point, ever, in the entire process, should the guys touch each other. Even eye contact (as NT can apparently testify) is verboten. Unless they are bisexual. Then go ahead, fuck any hole you can find.

Yes, if the girls start to get it on, they are most likely bisexual. But it's common knowledge that men are far more comfortable with gay women than gay men. It is what it is.

Garrett Reid said...

Mortarboard: Thanks. I laugh all of the time without my boss hearing, but mostly because I am laughing at him.

Mindy: If I were bi/gay would that make you more or less attracted to me? I am trying to decide how to best respond to your comment.

Maryanne: You make so many response-worthy points. First, I totally dig the fact that you would be okay with a girl rubbing on your ass. Nice. Second, I'm okay if you're okay with guy on guy action. As long as I'm not one half of the equation. Third, I would only expect half of the other two people in the threesome to touch me. Never would I just expect to get an ass rub. Never, ever. And last, if I were in a threesome with two women and they were stroking each other's asses I would, of course, think they are bisexual. Ass stroking, be its very nature, defines bisexuality. And I would be totally cool with that because, well, bisexual girls rule. Am I a sexist for saying so. Of course. But it is the truth? Of course.

Redhead: Before I answer this question, I want to make a very clear point: I am down with gay/bisexual people. I think they rock. I think it would be awesome to be gay, well, because the gay guys seem to get a lot of action,and because girls undress in front of you if you are gay, and I like to see girls undressing. However, I am not. Because of my non-gayness, I tend to avoid gay related sexual themes. Such as watching gay porn, or naked ass rubbing. Does this mean that I also avoid rubbing girl-asses? Of course not. Do I dislike girl on girl porn? Are you f-ing crazy? How is this different? Well, it proves my point that I don't have a problem with the h.o.-sexuals. Be gay all day long. Awesome; but I like the girls, and as a result - I enjoy watching naked girls. Even naked girls rubbing on each others' naked asses. God, I am getting hot now.

New Texan: you are now my hero. I would avoid the eye contact too. I forgot to mention that earlier. You have to avoid eye contact. Wow, a threesome with a strange girl. You rock!

TK: As usual, right on. Those are the two rules of threesomes. Well put.

dmbmeg said...

am I the only girl here who knows what finger cuffing is? I mean, come on. I learned that shit in like 2nd grade.

TK said...

Jesus, Dmbmeg got an early start. Finger-cuffing at 8 years old? That's fucked up.

No pun intended, of course.

onthevirg said...

I have done both and I have to tell you, just like there's no crying in baseball, there's no ass cupping in G/B/B threesomes. Unless you've agreed to such ground rules in the first place. Which they'd obviously had a long standing agreement was A-OK. So yeah, they enjoyed male form, if you know what I'm saying.

New Texan said...

Don't be that impressed Garrett... I didn't say it was a hot girl that I didn't know. Just one of those random things you'd never imagine. Decorum prevents me from getting into the details... and my wife reading my blog prevents me from getting into it there...

It actually happened after my friend's bachelor party... word spread quickly, and the next week at the wedding, I was greated like some kind of Roman hero by the guys in the wedding. You have to love being a guy sometimes.... can you imagine a bunch of bridesmaids high fiving one of their friends because she was involved in double teaming some guy?

Kale Rae said...

So if the threesome were two girls and a guy and the two girls did some touching/rubbing - are the girls also bisexual?

Just asking as it seems society sees it okay for girls to do it and not be seen as lesbians/bisexual...thoughts??

blythe said...

i've never heard of "the threesome!" but it sounds exciting and i look forward to trying it soon! thanks for all of the tips and pointers!

Garrett Reid said...

DmbMeg: Those schools up north teach entirely different subjects than down here.

TK: Really, did you have any doubt about how DmbMeg got her start?

onthevirg: Way to go on multiple threesomes. We salute you! Thank you for agreeing with the rules. No ass cupping. You have to draw the line somewhere. And for the others who have talked about "accidental" touching during a threesome. If that occurs, its fine - but you can't "accidentally" rub another guy's ass.

New Texan: You had a threesome with a skanky girl you never talked to again. Still - you rock. What could be more bachelor party-like than that. Way to go! I'll give you a high five from here.

Kale: If two girls rub/touch, it is not only slightly bisexual it is also totally awesome. Rubbing is not 100% bisexual (we are breaking ground here today on new definitions of sexuality) but it is most certainly partially bisexual. I'm cool with 100% bisexual - as long as the girl still prefers men over women.

Blythe - Call me. I'll be happy to show you some pointers.

stephen said...

I've thought about this alot in my life and I've come to the conclusion that the only way I could do a guy, guy,girl threesome is if each one of us were on opposite ends, not necessarily because I am afraid of accidental touching, but so we can high five each other

MaryAnne said...

WHAT is the point in having a guy-guy-girl threesome if you have no intention of touching/looking/ass cupping all those involved???

Is it taboo to even WATCH the other guy in action? Do you go as far as completely pretending that he is not even there?

And if there are these men rules about not touching/looking at each other.... then why not just have a non-threatening, regular, night with one woman? It can't be harder to find one woman to have sex with, than finding a woman who wants to be tag-teamed. Really.

i like cheese said...

I think I could find a lot better things for that guy to do than cup his friend's ass...isn't the point of a guy/girl/guy threesome for all men involved to service the girl? ;)

Mala said...

rolling around.
laughing.
on the floor. under my desk.

in danger of being fired.
damn you...

Scottsdale Girl said...

Hasn't EVERY Girl had a threesome?

Seriously, I don't understand...

the mystical muff said...

i've had a threesome.... two women and one guy. . . all i can say "SCARRED FOR LIFE"- and yes there was everyone touching everyone going on. Everytime I try to remember it (Yes try, I did a grand job of blocking it out) I get blurs of Michael Jackson's greatest hits, a red light, mounds of cocaine, and the other girl in a "God Bless America" tshirt. How appropriate.