Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Three Things Happened Today

The time is now 11:00 and I just got home from work. God I love my job. Don't these people know that it is hard to keep a blog going when I spend 15 hours a day sitting in the exact same spot staring at the exact same computer?

Three things happened today:

1) I ate some amazing chicken fried steak. It was awesome. It moved me. That's all I have to say about that.

2) While on the way back from eating said chicken fried steak, I passed a couple who were wearing matching pink polo shirts. I bet they were both under 21. She was wearing jean shorts and he was wearing jeans. His hair was spiked straight up. Man, what has your life come to when you wake up in the morning, you see two pink polos hanging in the closet, and you roll over to your girlfriend and give her a look as if to say,"let's do this." I really hope these people were on vacation or something because otherwise he might have run in to someone he knows. What the hell would he do then? How can you look any buddy in the face while you are wearing the same pink polo shirt as your girlfriend. At least they didn't both have popped collars.

3) I thought about using the restroom to masturbate at about 9:15. I decided against it when I thought about how much work it would be to have to walk all the way to the bathroom, think about sex-like things, keep erection for minutes a time, etc. Way too much work.

A fourth thing happened just right now - I had a realization that I used to have funny things to write approximately 15% of the time. This number has now dropped to less than 5%. God I suck. No masturbation energy and a crap blog. Life is grand. I need a drink.

32 comments:

Rayne said...

so..morning workplace toilet sex?

a couple of years ago i had a bit of a fling with myself in a (clean public) bathroom. (you know the old saying, 'i molested myself last night. i said no, but i knew i really wanted it') ...but no matter what, no matter how hard i tried to think of the sexy... i just couldn't seal the deal. because i was in a bathroom.

maybe it's a girl thing. and then again, perhaps i've revealed a bit too much....

Rayne said...

woops - did you mean 9:15 a.m., or 9:15 p.m. for the workplace toilet sex?

HAR said...

Maybe a pink polo will get your mojo operating properly?

STP said...

Wow, and I thought my work day was bad...

It's hard to think sexy things in the restroom here when Noisey Pooper is in the stall next to you.

TK said...

I don't believe for one second that you wouldn't be able to finish the job. Sack up, son.

New Texan said...

Where did you get this amazing Chicken Fried Steak? I'm always looking for good lunch time eats in the Dallas area...

blythe said...

chicken fried steak is always moving. in one way or another.

it's also quite possibly the most delicious substance on earth besides alfredo sauce.

not gonna lie. were i to masturbate in the office bathroom right now, white gravy would be on the list.

too much?

mindy said...

Ewwww to your post and Ewwww to the comments!
Jesus, what is going on over here?!?

Anonymous said...

I did a work-jerk once...when I worked at Toys R Us.

TK said...

WINNER: Mortarbored.

Aw, hell. There aren't too many places where I haven't knocked one out.

Garrett Reid said...

Rayne: Super-great comment. I am going to use the phrase "fling with myself" in place of the word 'masturbation' from now on. Trust me when I say that I know how hard it is to "seal the deal" with women. I can't tell you how many times I have had to ask whether I "sealed the deal?" Her: "Not quite." Me: "are you sure because I thought I heard an extra moan in there or something." Her: "Nope, no moaning. No deal sealing. Better luck next time." and P.S. I did mean 9:15 p.m., but who am I kidding, it could just have easily been a.m.

HAR: You mean wearing them? I already wear pink underclothing and that is doing nothing for me.

STP: You can't be so sure the noisy person is actually pooping. Maybe that person is actually thinking sexy thoughts as well. 90% of all poop sounds are made by people faking it to hide the sounds of masturbation. (I may have made that up - but it is likely true)

TK: There is no doubt I could have finished what I started. How pathetic does a guy have to be to give up on masturbation half way into it? I don't even quit for phone calls and responding to comments on the blog.

New Tex: Oh sure. I tell you, you tell all of your PhD buddies and soon I am waiting in line for my CFS.

Blythe: Did you just say that you masturbate at work to the thought of gravy? That is. . . TOTALLY AWESOME.

Mindy: You always feign offense, but I know you have a story to share. It is waiting just under the surface. Share with us Mindy. You know you want to tell us your secrets. Don't be shy. You are among friends.

Mortar: Way to step it up a notch there. I can't compete with that.

TK (again): Isn't that the truth. I knew a guy once who had a job with a long commute. I asked if he was going to look for something closer. "Hell no," was his response. "The drive gives me time to jerk it before I get home"

STP said...

Garrett, you're creepy and demented...I like that in a guy.

TK said...

"I knew a guy once"

And that guy's name wouldn't, perchance be Garrett Reid, would it?

Yeah, I stole your joke. And I'm gonna monopolize your comment board, too. See how you like it. At least I'm not hitting on your readers.

*ahem*

New Texan said...

Stop hogging the good CFS!!! Don't make me cook a turd in your apartment!

Not that I know where you live or am stalking you or anything. Geez.

Yvo said...

Wow. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Did the CFS move you... right to the toilet... where you proceeded to be unable to masturbate? Did I read that right?

PS When I see couples wearing matching outfits, that is the high of douchebaggery. Yea I said it. The only time you will catch me matching someone is accidentally or at weddings when I have no choice (as a bridesmaid, or, sadly, I like to have my date's tie correspond to something I am wearing. PROPERTY OF YVO is what it screams, bishes).

Scottsdale Girl said...

Yeaaaaah the bathroom at work? Icky.

dmbmeg said...

TK and Garrett-
would you guys fuck and get it over with already? Jesus.

Snow White said...

So where did you find this wonderful chicken fried steak? I might need to check it out! I was home earlier than you last night, but I was up until 1:30 working! I've been too tired and stressed for #3 myself... AND your blog IS funny!

TK said...

Jealousy, thy name is dmbmeg.

Erica AP said...

Was he metro? I bet he was metro. Or gay? Oh but he was with his girlfriend... A gay guy would never make such a fashion no-no.

stephen said...

I saw a guy and a girl with matching "Thing 1" and "Thing 2" shirts once.

And the almighty Video iPod is a godsend for working hours masturbation.

Amber said...

You were too tired to masturbate!?

What in the hell is this world coming to...

And guys wonder why we women go buy ourselves six inches of plastic. If they're too tired to get themselves off, they sure as hell aren't going to do it for us! Ha!

I bet the next time... if there is a next time... that you run into that couple, they have matching, "I'm His" and "I'm Hers" shirts on.

Have a good one! :)

dmbmeg said...

amber-
yours is only 6 inches?

Mine is 13. And double sided.

TK said...

dmbmeg - that comes as a shock to... no one.

Anonymous said...

Hey you still managed to get the words "masturbation" and "popped collars" into there so I still think you rock.

Yes I said I still think you rock. Take the God damn compliment and up shut ok!

Good.

Eminem said...

You're funnier than you think. And yes, bathrooms are a bitch of a place to maintain horn.And also, yes, wanking takes way more energy....and for what....six seconds of bliss and half an hour of lassitude later? Really? I'll pass for now............

Kenneth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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