Friday, October 06, 2006

Go Tell it on the Mountain

I know many of you have been sitting at your office desk saying to yourself, “This Garrett Reid guy is the funniest mother f-er I have ever read in my entire life! How can I tell my family, friends, and neighbors about him?” I understand. We here at This Blog is Not Funny, LLC, a subsidiary of Not Funny Blogs, International, wholly owned and operated by Global Chemical Industries, Inc. Worldwide get hundreds of e-mails a day from readers with questions like:

“Dude, you are funny. Are you gay?”

“My wife had a heart attack from reading your site. My lawyer needs your address.”

“You are deeply disturbed and need professional help.”

“This is the most stupidest site I have ever visited. Kill yourself now, please.”

Okay, some of those weren’t questions, but you get the point - People love the blog and want more of it. I have composed an e-mail which you can forward to your friends, family, neighbors, etc. so that you can tell them all about the newest blog sensation, Garrett Reid. Just circle where appropriate:

Dear *Mom/Dad/Mustache Guy at the Liquor Store/Gynecologist/Hooker from Last Night:*

I know that you *raised me/stare at my ass/stick your finger in my vagina/let me have butt sex with you* but I also know that you are a fan of quality humor at an affordable price. I would like to take this opportunity to share with you what has been a large part of my life the last couple of months: This Blog is Not Funny.

Remember last *Thanksgiving/week when I called the cops because you were staking me/month when you checked me for herpes/night when I spanked your ass and told you to call me “Captain Charlie of the Cock Police”* I knew then that I needed to tell you about this exciting new sensational website: This Blog is Not Funny! I can’t even believe I am about to write this, but when I read this guy’s stuff I *get hot down below (if you know what I mean)/pop a little woody wood*. Its just that funny.

Sure the guy can’t spell. He has terrible grammar. He is offensive to the point of embarrassing himself, and I heard from someone that he pees himself a little when he laughs really hard. But he is still a little funny. I mean, he is slightly funnier than The Three Stooges reruns. He is not nearly as funny as Alf Reruns. If he were a character on a TV show he would be Antonio Scarpacci from the hit show Wings. If he were a fruit he would be a cantaloupe.

Please take the time to go to his website. It will change your life forever. By that I mean it will completely waste your time and probably cause gastrointestinal difficulties.

I love you very, very, very much. I hope to see you *at Grandma’s funeral/at the police lineup/next week (I have a little burning when I pee)/never again (I have a little burning when I pee).

Peace be with you.

So there you have it - your dream come true. An easy way tell everyone you care about what you have been doing for 2 minutes and 32 seconds during your lunch break every third day.

Keep it real - and remember, Power to the People.


Anne said...

I will be sending that to all my peeps tonight. Except for the mustache guy at the liquor store..he is the one who told me how to get here.

Wait a sec...arent you the mustache guy at the liquor store?

Garrett Reid said...

Damn - you caught me staring at your ass?

view from the other side said...

Dude, I would never confess reading this to anyone.

A little advice for you (in spanish)... It'so the French0, stupido...

Anne said... drooled all over your six pack of Lone Star.