Wednesday, October 04, 2006

My Informative Take on the Rep. Mark Foley Scandal

Let me begin this post by saying that I would never make light of the terrible, scandalous, inappropriate, lewd things Rep. Mark Foley has done. I mean, have you seen the IMs?

What I don’t get is the discrepancy between what the Teen is writing and what they say he did after having the IM conversation. Later he calls Foley “sick, sick, sick?” What is the deal? I probably would not have long conversations about male orgasms with an old guy, and then say, "wow - that guy is sick." I mean, he obviously is sick - but I would try and recognize that up front and say it then. Just a thought.

I have some experience with old men hitting on me. Well, lots of experience (lets be honest). Mostly is has been with Uncle Ralph wanting me to come and “sit on his lap and chug a brewski” or with that old, homeless guy at the park who keeps offering me a half eaten Quarter Pounder if I will “show him my ding-a-ling” behind the bushes. But I also have experiences from when I was a teen too. Like the one time that my best friend’s dad wanted my friend and I to “help rake leaves.” Yeah, I knew what he meant. Sick Bastard. He even offered to pay me $5. Can you believe that? I screamed, “my body is not for sale. Its not for sale!” As tears streamed from my face I ran and ran. I just ran. Whew, this is really an emotional post for me. I can get through this.

There was also the time when I was 10 that my Mother’s friend from across the street offered me some “milk and cookies.” What a sicko! I was 10! Even at that young age I knew what was going on. After I suppressed my growing erection, I told her, “I’m sorry Mrs. Morris I am just not into that kind of scene.” Interestingly, her daughter (who was 3 years younger than I) turned out to be a crack whore. So I guess we know where “milk and cookies” parenting gets you - sucking the dick of methed out drug dealer behind the 7 Eleven. Let that be a warning to you parents out there.

Here is how the situation would have gone with me and Foley:

Maf54: Did you spank it yourself this weekend

GR: Dude, I’m not talking about that with you.

Maf54: What are you wearing right now?

DR: I’m not gay. If I were, I would not be interested in you. You are old.

Maf54: You get me so hot.

DR: Seriously - Not gay! Why am I even IM-ing you? This is not cool.

Maf54: I think about you all the time

DR: You are obviously a child molester. Do you think I would ever hook up with a child molester. Leave me alone you sick old son-of-a-bitch.

Two general rules (with three sub-rules) I follow in my everyday life: 1) Only talk about masturbation habits with hot women, and 2) Only talk about masturbation habits with a hot woman a) that you have had sex with many, many times, b) that is about to demonstrate her masturbation habits for you, or c) is in prison and has fifteen minutes on the phone with you every other week.

Sorry for the lack of timely updates. I have, for some unknown reason, been having to work at work this week. More on this later.

Stay cool.


Anne said...

That was a freaking hilarious post. Im questioning all of the supposedly innocent offers I have received in my past. The world is filled with dirty birds.

Garrett Reid said...

Thanks. The prisoners from Tangipahoa Parish Jail in Amite City, Louisiana seem to think its pretty funny too. At least that is what I think they mean when they send me pictures of their penises adorned with top hats.

Ace Cowboy said...

If you're into it, you can IM me later at cumsox68.

Anne said...

Top hats? The pics they sent me had baseball caps. I guess they think that you are a bit more classy huh?