Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Nipples, Ugly People and Ugly Drunks

A couple of hours ago I took a little walk around the building. I haven’t done that for a few days. One, I have been a little busy with some work stuff. Two, taking a walk around the building isn’t as much fun since the onset of Fall clothing. Can’t someone design a sweater that will provide comfortable warmth and still show copious amounts of cleavage? I’m not into clothing design too much, but I do know one thing about the world: Men like women’s breasts. It took me a long to figure that one out. I mean, I always knew that I liked breasts, but I thought I was alone in my desire to get a quick peaky peak at some nipple. It turns out that many, many men in the United States, as well as, in some cases, around the world like the mammaries of a woman. Go figure. Anyway, men like breasts. Where was I going with this. I started thinking about nipples and lost my train of thought. . .

. . .

Oh yeah. I discovered something. There are not very many attractive people out there. My guess is that less than 5% of the population (maybe less than that) is above a 6 on the 10 point scale. When you count out anyone ten years older or ten years younger than you, that leaves very few people. That leads me to my next point: How are these people that are 3s or 4s getting the sex? I understand that society puts on us certain standards of what beautiful is. So if I am a guy that is a 3 wouldn’t I still be attracted to 8s, 9s and 10s? If that is the case, then I would be greatly settling for the 4'11, 250 pound girl with the stubble on her chin. This led me to my third thought: I know why so many people are alcoholics. They settled for a woman with stubble on her chin. If there was a woman that would have sex with me, I think that I would have no problem imagining that she was Jessica Alba. However, 250 Pound Chin Hair Girl can never be transformed into Jessica Alba, even in the mind of greatest of fantasizers. It just can’t happen.

I would drink too If I had to worry about scruff burn from kissing my girlfriend.

I think I will spend the rest of the afternoon looking online for a sweater design that shows some boobies. Fucking turtlenecks. Listen ladies - it doesn’t matter how tight it is, if it don’t show me some skin, it don’t do me no good.

So to summarize:

1) Men like to see breasts, and in turn, nipples.
2) People are generally ugly.
3) People drink because they are ugly and they hooked up with another ugly person.

Aren't you glad you come here for these important life lessons?

5 comments:

A Lover and a Fighter said...

I have found, when examining the sexual habits of the unattractive, that self-esteem (or lack thereof) can be a powerful aphrodisiac.

I'm willing to bet that the uglies are banged in the dark bathroom of a bar after a lot of cheap whisky in the misguided efforts of semi-attractive people to boost their sense of worth.

Or they date blind folk.

Ace Cowboy said...

Isn't that ugly/alcohol bit lifted straight from Seinfeld?

Garrett Reid said...

Love and Fighter - I wonder if that is why I have been banging so many girls in dark bathrooms lately?

Ace Cowboy - All kidding aside, I didn't mean to "lift" anything, but yeah, looks pretty close. I gave all due credit in the next post. P.S., your profile pic is a very fine example of a bird flip. Excellent form. Very agressive arm thrust, and the hand on the hip says, "I ain't fucking around!"

Anne said...

This post is so wrong. So funny. But so wrong. I look out among the sea of cubicles around me and you are so right.

There are lots of not-do-ables around here.

Garrett Reid said...

Thanks Anne. I just had a realization as I was reading your comment. What if someone from the sea of cubicles around me is reading this and thinking the same thing about me? Yep, that Garrett, totally not-do-able.